My family
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Me Verse Lupus: The doctor thinks he's God
Me Verse Lupus: The doctor thinks he's God: "It's is my kind of weather out there. I layed in bed under the covers this morning just enjoying the cool air. It rained all day yesterday..."
The doctor thinks he's God
It's is my kind of weather out there. I layed in bed under the covers this morning just enjoying the cool air. It rained all day yesterday another of my favorite forecast, only I was out in that wet stuff. I had that doctors appointment with a new doctor.
I took Access-A-Ride to the office, I was early so I went to the grocery store and picked up some celery, some bread, a pound of turkey breast and a pound of American cheese. I walk what was about a block to the doctors' office. There were steps, two flights. I considered changing my mind about this doctor. I sucked it up, lifted my oxygen and made it up the stairs. My chest was tight, I got dizzy and I started sweating.
I went to this doctor 3 years ago to get clearance for my hysterectomy, he's a cardiologist. I told him I wanted him to be my primary doctor and he asked about my previous doctor. I told him I had a lot of health issues now and I didn't think the previous doctor could handle me. I didn't say is so bluntly but he got the gist. I think that turned him off. You see the previous doctor ignored my symptoms. In fact that doctor told me I was narcissistic. I did consider going back to him when I got this insurance, but thought about my health. I liked that doctor, he was easy to talk to. But I don't think he would be best for me now. Besides he only has evening office hours and he's very crowed.
So I gave this cardiologist an update on my health. I told him about the Pulmonary Hypertension and he says he's sure I have it and told me it's a progressive disease. He listened to my lungs, heart and said he will have me come back and do an echo. He said I should do a full heart cauterization. Then he said he'll find a pulmonary doctor, I told him I have an appoint with one on Monday. He looked annoyed.
I wanted to talk to him about my headaches, the numbness in my mouth and the dizziness. And that I don't sleep. He kind of dismissed me, I did not feel comfortable with him. When I told him I needed medication he seemed shocked, again annoyed, so I told him I only needed my blood pressure medication. I've been taking meds for over 2 years, I can't go with out them. It wasn't like I was asking for Oxycontin or some narcotic. He didn't schedule me for another appointment until the middle of November, was I suppose to go with out meds until then? I'm going to reduced my steroids myself to 10mg, that should hold me until I see the Rhuematalogist. I'll take one potassium a day and one acylovire hopefully I'll be fine.
I see a new pulmonary doctor on Monday, I'll get him to refer me to a primary doctor that's a cardiologist. This way the two of them can work together. I know this may sound racist but I'm just going to state a fact. Very few black folks know how to handle business. They start a company, open an office but fail to develop the skills to be customer friendly. It is the customer that makes the business. You can spend billions on marketing, yet, the best advertising is when a customer recommends your business and the most negative is when a customer is not satisfied. I am very much unsatisfied with that doctor I meet yesterday. He didn't smile, reassure me or try to make me comfortable with him. It appeared that he has a God complex. Like I should be thankful he's giving me the crumbs of his time.
I'm not a fighter, remember. I don't want to go back to him but I don't know what to do. Should I asked the pulmonary doctor Monday for a recommendation? Should I just go back to him and see how it works out?
It's times like this that I wish I had someone to advocate for me. This is one of those instances that I feel alone. But I vowed no more crying, whining or self pitting. It'll work out God is with me and will carry me through.
I took Access-A-Ride to the office, I was early so I went to the grocery store and picked up some celery, some bread, a pound of turkey breast and a pound of American cheese. I walk what was about a block to the doctors' office. There were steps, two flights. I considered changing my mind about this doctor. I sucked it up, lifted my oxygen and made it up the stairs. My chest was tight, I got dizzy and I started sweating.
I went to this doctor 3 years ago to get clearance for my hysterectomy, he's a cardiologist. I told him I wanted him to be my primary doctor and he asked about my previous doctor. I told him I had a lot of health issues now and I didn't think the previous doctor could handle me. I didn't say is so bluntly but he got the gist. I think that turned him off. You see the previous doctor ignored my symptoms. In fact that doctor told me I was narcissistic. I did consider going back to him when I got this insurance, but thought about my health. I liked that doctor, he was easy to talk to. But I don't think he would be best for me now. Besides he only has evening office hours and he's very crowed.
So I gave this cardiologist an update on my health. I told him about the Pulmonary Hypertension and he says he's sure I have it and told me it's a progressive disease. He listened to my lungs, heart and said he will have me come back and do an echo. He said I should do a full heart cauterization. Then he said he'll find a pulmonary doctor, I told him I have an appoint with one on Monday. He looked annoyed.
I wanted to talk to him about my headaches, the numbness in my mouth and the dizziness. And that I don't sleep. He kind of dismissed me, I did not feel comfortable with him. When I told him I needed medication he seemed shocked, again annoyed, so I told him I only needed my blood pressure medication. I've been taking meds for over 2 years, I can't go with out them. It wasn't like I was asking for Oxycontin or some narcotic. He didn't schedule me for another appointment until the middle of November, was I suppose to go with out meds until then? I'm going to reduced my steroids myself to 10mg, that should hold me until I see the Rhuematalogist. I'll take one potassium a day and one acylovire hopefully I'll be fine.
I see a new pulmonary doctor on Monday, I'll get him to refer me to a primary doctor that's a cardiologist. This way the two of them can work together. I know this may sound racist but I'm just going to state a fact. Very few black folks know how to handle business. They start a company, open an office but fail to develop the skills to be customer friendly. It is the customer that makes the business. You can spend billions on marketing, yet, the best advertising is when a customer recommends your business and the most negative is when a customer is not satisfied. I am very much unsatisfied with that doctor I meet yesterday. He didn't smile, reassure me or try to make me comfortable with him. It appeared that he has a God complex. Like I should be thankful he's giving me the crumbs of his time.
I'm not a fighter, remember. I don't want to go back to him but I don't know what to do. Should I asked the pulmonary doctor Monday for a recommendation? Should I just go back to him and see how it works out?
It's times like this that I wish I had someone to advocate for me. This is one of those instances that I feel alone. But I vowed no more crying, whining or self pitting. It'll work out God is with me and will carry me through.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Me Verse Lupus: No more whinning, no more crying, the next round i...
Me Verse Lupus: No more whinning, no more crying, the nest round i...: "I knew this was going to happen. It's 1:30am and I am wide awake even though I took 1mg of Lorazapam. Going to the doctors always does this ..."
No more whinning, no more crying, the next round is mine.
I knew this was going to happen. It's 1:30am and I am wide awake even though I took 1mg of Lorazapam. Going to the doctors always does this to me, especially when I'm seeing a new doctor. He's a cardiologist, he's going to take one look at my fat ass and think I have no will power. He will be right. I went out today, guess where, to Walgreen's and got a big bag of Kit Kat's, peanut butter cups, snickers, spice drops, my favorite Hersey white chocolate melt away bliss and a bag of chips. What the Fuck?! It's the steroids, it's the loneliness, it's not smoking and needing something to do. The list can go on. But the bottom line is I need to develop will power. I need to buy fruit, not really a fruit eater, but I can do frozen grapes, blueberries, pineapples and I do like pears. I planed to get cottage cheese and eat that with the fruit. I tried carrots and celery once. Path mark even sells them ready to eat. But I don't have that many teeth left and it's too much work chewing.
I don't have anything else but the sweets, I don't go anywhere, my phone doesn't ring. No sex. Hell the highlight of my week was watching Greys' Anatomy.
I told myself today that I wasn't going to cry no more. I was going to get over the bullshit and start living. After all this blog is Me Verse Lupus, thus far I would say lupus is wining. But I'm heading into the ninth round with renewed strengthen and coming out of my corner with hay makers, I'm going to kick some lupus ass. I'm going to work on my novel and write a poem. I've been scribbling, I'm going to scribble a finished product. It's a new day and I'm going to find the me, Lupus kidnapped and hid in plain sight. The crying and pitty party aint getting me no where.
First I'm going to go back to bed and lay down. I need to get up and take care of my face. Lupus means wolf, because of the malar rash some people get around their nose and cheeks. For me it's the hair that grows on my face from the steroids. I like to Nair it away before I see doctors. I may be 2 tons of fun, but at least I'm groomed.
Until later, smile.
I don't have anything else but the sweets, I don't go anywhere, my phone doesn't ring. No sex. Hell the highlight of my week was watching Greys' Anatomy.
I told myself today that I wasn't going to cry no more. I was going to get over the bullshit and start living. After all this blog is Me Verse Lupus, thus far I would say lupus is wining. But I'm heading into the ninth round with renewed strengthen and coming out of my corner with hay makers, I'm going to kick some lupus ass. I'm going to work on my novel and write a poem. I've been scribbling, I'm going to scribble a finished product. It's a new day and I'm going to find the me, Lupus kidnapped and hid in plain sight. The crying and pitty party aint getting me no where.
First I'm going to go back to bed and lay down. I need to get up and take care of my face. Lupus means wolf, because of the malar rash some people get around their nose and cheeks. For me it's the hair that grows on my face from the steroids. I like to Nair it away before I see doctors. I may be 2 tons of fun, but at least I'm groomed.
Until later, smile.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Me Verse Lupus: A new day to speak of.
Me Verse Lupus: A new day to speak of.: "Woke up feeling pretty good today. It's raining, my kind of day. I'm developing a heavy cough with phlegm, throat is itchy. I don't know ..."
A new day to speak of.
Woke up feeling pretty good today. It's raining, my kind of day. I'm developing a heavy cough with phlegm, throat is itchy. I don't know if I'm getting sick or if something is irritating me. It is allergy season, and I stopped taking the Claritin and Nasonex. I really don't want to take any more drugs unless I absolutely need to. I'm sure some of the other luppies reading this, if there are still any, can understand this.
I take four pills before breakfast, seven pills with breakfast including three vitamins. It would be more except because of my potassium level I can't take the water pills and the doctor took me off the plaquline for safty measures. In the afternoon I take two more high blood pressure pills and before bed I take five more pills that's a total of 21 pills to keep me alive. Not feeling well, alive. Oh did I forget to mention I suck in breathing medications twice a day, spriva once in the morning and advair once in the morning and once at night. I wouldn't mind a pill to help me sleep at night though and maybe one that will make me feel like me again.
Tomorrow I go to my new doctor. I still didn't get the bill for to purchase my medical records. They would of been a big help. At least I have the CD of my lungs and the letter from the doctor at Columbia describing his findings. The one positive is that I saw this doctor before and he did a echo of my heart and he has the machines in his office. I'm a bit anxious and I'm sure the anxiety will keep me up tonight.
I've been telling the story of my life with Mr. 23 years. I was trying to remember the physical pains. When I was a teenager, I remember going to the beach and I layed out in the sun getting tanned. That evening my skin was swollen and I had these little pimples all over. I figured it was from the sand slapping my skin and a sever case of prickly heat. When I got diagnoised with lupus I was looking at the rashes and I found that rash. Rashes were never a big thing for me. I had them my whole life. I did notice over the years that they usually appeared after sun exposure. One of the reasons I alway suspected Lupus, I knew about the sun sensitivity because my mother always wore sunscreen and hats and wouldn't go outside during the day. My hands would swell up and hurt but I played handball for years and just assumed the swelling was arthritis. I always told the doctors that I had arthritis and they took me at my word. I was never tested, didn't know they did a test for arthritis. I learned now the biggest mistake is to tell a doctor what you have before they tell you. I was doing his job for him.
We moved in with a friend of Mr. 23. He was in an accident some years before I met him and he got the money from the law suite. He go about ten thousand dollars. He had plans to open a store. Always quick money was on his mind. He cashed the check and they gave him thousand dollar bills and five hundred dollar bills. They are out of circulation now. He showed off the money. He brought himself a new wardrobe and gave me two hundred dollars to buy material for me to make me and the kids clothes with the sewing machine he brought me. I didn't know how to sew. He brought drugs and kept everyone that came around high. His friend was disgusted and told us to leave. His money was short and we found the piece of shit apartment in Jersey City. It was there that I got pregnate with my youngest child. It was our first real home. He started staying out at night and for days. I use to get a welfare check on the first of the month everyone in the town did and there was only one check cashing place. He would take the rent money. No I would give it to him, after he beged for it. He use to say he was going to take the money and flip it, double it. It never happened but I trusted him month after month. When I gave birth he had a party and didn't come to visit me in the hospital. It was then that my feelings started changing for him. My health started changing too. I would get headaches, swelling hands and tired. I guess that was the stress but it still wasn't enough to alarm me. It wasn't until I moved back home with three kids that my symptoms started to really surface.
I take four pills before breakfast, seven pills with breakfast including three vitamins. It would be more except because of my potassium level I can't take the water pills and the doctor took me off the plaquline for safty measures. In the afternoon I take two more high blood pressure pills and before bed I take five more pills that's a total of 21 pills to keep me alive. Not feeling well, alive. Oh did I forget to mention I suck in breathing medications twice a day, spriva once in the morning and advair once in the morning and once at night. I wouldn't mind a pill to help me sleep at night though and maybe one that will make me feel like me again.
Tomorrow I go to my new doctor. I still didn't get the bill for to purchase my medical records. They would of been a big help. At least I have the CD of my lungs and the letter from the doctor at Columbia describing his findings. The one positive is that I saw this doctor before and he did a echo of my heart and he has the machines in his office. I'm a bit anxious and I'm sure the anxiety will keep me up tonight.
I've been telling the story of my life with Mr. 23 years. I was trying to remember the physical pains. When I was a teenager, I remember going to the beach and I layed out in the sun getting tanned. That evening my skin was swollen and I had these little pimples all over. I figured it was from the sand slapping my skin and a sever case of prickly heat. When I got diagnoised with lupus I was looking at the rashes and I found that rash. Rashes were never a big thing for me. I had them my whole life. I did notice over the years that they usually appeared after sun exposure. One of the reasons I alway suspected Lupus, I knew about the sun sensitivity because my mother always wore sunscreen and hats and wouldn't go outside during the day. My hands would swell up and hurt but I played handball for years and just assumed the swelling was arthritis. I always told the doctors that I had arthritis and they took me at my word. I was never tested, didn't know they did a test for arthritis. I learned now the biggest mistake is to tell a doctor what you have before they tell you. I was doing his job for him.
We moved in with a friend of Mr. 23. He was in an accident some years before I met him and he got the money from the law suite. He go about ten thousand dollars. He had plans to open a store. Always quick money was on his mind. He cashed the check and they gave him thousand dollar bills and five hundred dollar bills. They are out of circulation now. He showed off the money. He brought himself a new wardrobe and gave me two hundred dollars to buy material for me to make me and the kids clothes with the sewing machine he brought me. I didn't know how to sew. He brought drugs and kept everyone that came around high. His friend was disgusted and told us to leave. His money was short and we found the piece of shit apartment in Jersey City. It was there that I got pregnate with my youngest child. It was our first real home. He started staying out at night and for days. I use to get a welfare check on the first of the month everyone in the town did and there was only one check cashing place. He would take the rent money. No I would give it to him, after he beged for it. He use to say he was going to take the money and flip it, double it. It never happened but I trusted him month after month. When I gave birth he had a party and didn't come to visit me in the hospital. It was then that my feelings started changing for him. My health started changing too. I would get headaches, swelling hands and tired. I guess that was the stress but it still wasn't enough to alarm me. It wasn't until I moved back home with three kids that my symptoms started to really surface.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Me Verse Lupus: More of the past to tell.
Me Verse Lupus: More of the past to tell.: "Another day in hell. I am a 50 year old sick unhappy individual. I'm not complaining just stating. I need a good night sleep. I need to l..."
More of the past to tell.
Another day in hell. I am a 50 year old sick unhappy individual. I'm not complaining just stating. I need a good night sleep. I need to let calgon take me away but I can't fit in the tub. I need to get out this house and breath some freedom, but I don't have the energy or money to do so. I have no where to go. I'm not going to do anything as I repeatedly stated, I want to see how the story ends. But why? I know there's something better out there for me, but right now I can't see it. I can't understand why I want to live when living is so hard. It would be so easy to just end it all.
I live with someone who reminds you daily, all day that you are a guest that this is not your home, chair, TV. I should count my blessings she tells me all the time. Why? Because she lets me live here, gives me a roof over my head and food in my belly. I'm thankful I got so sick that I can't work anymore and have someplace to live. Jail! I am always on edge because I don't know what to say, if what I say will cause a negative reaction. I don't know if I should sit or stand, scratch my ass of just hide under the covers. This is from someone who claims to love me. But she doesn't know what love is, she doesn't give into anyone. It's here way or no way. It's her world and be thankful she let you in it. She is so negative that she causes pain to those she claims she care about. You see for her it's hurt before she hurts. So some little mousy bitch like me just hurts and hurts because I can't fight back.
Tequila will help. When I go to the doctor on Friday I'm going to get me a bottle and get drunk.
Okay let me try and get out of the mood before I go upstairs to face my keeper and expose my weakness. Yesterday I told how I met Mr. 23 years. About a week later after talking one the phone night and day. He took me to where he lived, in a hotel. We layed on the bed kissing and feeling on each other when he jumped up and said get undressed. He was skinny, like JJ on Good Times. He had long arms, long legs and under those black silk draws a long dick. I stood in my matching bra and panties, we stood looking at each other for a moment when he said to me, "I'm going to have fun, to turn off the lights." We did everything and more to each other. This was the beginning of a lustful relationship. The next night we spent together was when my daughters' father came and took my daughter for the weekend. My son was so hurt that he didn't take him too. But that's the man he was and is. Mr. 23 years took me and my son out for the day. My baby boy had so much fun running around the city. Hiding between the buildings and seeing all the sights of Manhattan. That night we spent the night in his hotel and slept for the first time together.
I wanted to be with him so bad I moved myself and children into the hotels with him. I was stupid, why would I do something like that. Just to be with a man.
Check out time was at 11 am. We would get dressed the kids and I would go to Bryant park and they would play. He would come get us around 3pm and check us back in the hotel. We would go to the movies, then eat turkey sandwiches. After a while the clerk would let us stay in the room until Mr. 23 made the money for another night stay.
He started teaching me the lessons and I was impressed. I study hard wanting to please him. His friends would come around, they were thugs, but pussy cats to me. His brother had an earth and wife. Both women knew each other and the children knew each other. Mr. 23 always talked about this. But for a least 10 years of our relationship I was all the woman he needed and he was all the man I needed. Now during the day since we didn't have to check out the kids and I would walk to Central Park. We would go to the zoo, it was free back then. We walked around, the kids played in the playgrounds, I sat watching them smoking my reefer and studying my lessons. We would have lunch on the hill above the zoo, it was quiet and not too many people knew about the spot. When we finished we would feed the pigeons. The would gather all around us, hundreds of them, I mean they would eat right out of our hands. Once the monkeys' go loose in the zoo, that was a day we didn't go. Central Park was my park. I loved it and wish I could go walk around it today. But my lungs, ain't happening.
Later we would go back to the hotel. Where pimps, prostitutes, drug dealers, hustlers and transvestites lived. They were characters. Koch was mayor, he hadn't yet started putting families in hotels yet, so we were a rare sight. The pimps use to tell my man he had a goldmine and should put me on the stroll. One night he came home and told me to get dressed that I was going to work. I started getting dress, tears rolling down my face. I couldn't believe he would do this to me. All I could think about was how was I going to get my children and get away from him. After a while he said he was just playing. That he didn't want no one else to have me.
There was this young working girl, her pimp use to rent the room next door to us. He use to beat this girl, he use to slam her against the walls, broke the mirrors and sometimes the windows. We were on the 10th floor and I knew that one night she was going to go out the window. She would have black eyes, broken arms. I couldn't understand why she stayed. My man said she had no where else to go. She ended up getting a new pimp.
There was the transvestite that lived at the other end of the hall. She was short and dark skin. She use to walk up and down the hall cussing in Spanish. Back then they use to give out samples on the street, cigarettes, candy, L. Ron Hubbard's books. Well one day this transvestite knocked on my door and asked me if I wanted some sanitary napkins she got on the street. She said she was finished with her period.
Another character was Sue and her man Slick. She was stereotypical trailer trash. Blond, blue eyes drug addict and Slicks bottom bitch, if he had any other woman. Slick was stereotypical pimp. The wide hat colorful clothes, platform shoes and a black country boy. He didn't talk to me, but talk to Mr. 23 about his "bitches" all the time. Sue had a daughter that was being taken care of by her sister. She wanted to be my girlfriend. She use to come and sit with me and the kids during the day watching the soap operas. I would cook on hot plates and we talked about food. I would put her hair in rollers and help her get ready to go out and work.
There was a pimp that had a real stable of about 6 girls, one had a son. Named Pimp, Pimp was about 4. When his mother got busted Sue was to taking care of him. At night they use to ask me to take care of Pimp. I stopped when he was playing with my kids and told my son, that his sister was the hoe and told her to go and make his money.
Then there was Sandy, she was a man, a big man. Puerto Rican, pretty. She use to show me her new clothes, shoes and look out for me. She wouldn't let anyone in the building fuck with me. My kids knew who the men were, that dressed like women. We told them they were homo's. Sandy use to prostitute, sometimes her johns use to try to rob her. Boy did they get a surprise when she would kick their ass all up and down the hall then take their money. We had a potty in the room so we wouldn't go when working hours began until the morning when all the johns were leaving.
One night there was a fire. Sandy knocked on the door and told me to get the kids out of there. I put my sons' coat on and had him wait, I was putting my daughter coat on when Sandy came in and said hurry up and snatch my son up. My son yelled, "The homos' got me!!" Sandy paid no attention, just took him and put him in the elevator and wouldn't let them move the elevator until me and my daughter got there. By the time the fire department came Sandy and my man put the fire out. Sandy and I stayed cool. She introduced me to her daughter. I was confused, my man explained that his daughter was a guy, that she turned out in jail. Now talking about cute, he/she was gorgeous, you would never know she had a penis.
That was the beginning of our life together. We stayed in hotels in NYC for a year and a half then we moved to a motel in Asbury Park, NJ. His bother and earth lived there also. There was a pool and a private bath. In the city the bathrooms were outside the room. Mr. 23s' brothers' earth taught me how to buy pork free food and products like soap, toothpaste and such. I was cool, she was cool, the kids and our men were cool. Only thing is Mr. 23 and his brother could only get along for a short time before they were ready to kill each other. From there we moved in to one of his friends' apartment in the projects. To be continued.
I live with someone who reminds you daily, all day that you are a guest that this is not your home, chair, TV. I should count my blessings she tells me all the time. Why? Because she lets me live here, gives me a roof over my head and food in my belly. I'm thankful I got so sick that I can't work anymore and have someplace to live. Jail! I am always on edge because I don't know what to say, if what I say will cause a negative reaction. I don't know if I should sit or stand, scratch my ass of just hide under the covers. This is from someone who claims to love me. But she doesn't know what love is, she doesn't give into anyone. It's here way or no way. It's her world and be thankful she let you in it. She is so negative that she causes pain to those she claims she care about. You see for her it's hurt before she hurts. So some little mousy bitch like me just hurts and hurts because I can't fight back.
Tequila will help. When I go to the doctor on Friday I'm going to get me a bottle and get drunk.
Okay let me try and get out of the mood before I go upstairs to face my keeper and expose my weakness. Yesterday I told how I met Mr. 23 years. About a week later after talking one the phone night and day. He took me to where he lived, in a hotel. We layed on the bed kissing and feeling on each other when he jumped up and said get undressed. He was skinny, like JJ on Good Times. He had long arms, long legs and under those black silk draws a long dick. I stood in my matching bra and panties, we stood looking at each other for a moment when he said to me, "I'm going to have fun, to turn off the lights." We did everything and more to each other. This was the beginning of a lustful relationship. The next night we spent together was when my daughters' father came and took my daughter for the weekend. My son was so hurt that he didn't take him too. But that's the man he was and is. Mr. 23 years took me and my son out for the day. My baby boy had so much fun running around the city. Hiding between the buildings and seeing all the sights of Manhattan. That night we spent the night in his hotel and slept for the first time together.
I wanted to be with him so bad I moved myself and children into the hotels with him. I was stupid, why would I do something like that. Just to be with a man.
Check out time was at 11 am. We would get dressed the kids and I would go to Bryant park and they would play. He would come get us around 3pm and check us back in the hotel. We would go to the movies, then eat turkey sandwiches. After a while the clerk would let us stay in the room until Mr. 23 made the money for another night stay.
He started teaching me the lessons and I was impressed. I study hard wanting to please him. His friends would come around, they were thugs, but pussy cats to me. His brother had an earth and wife. Both women knew each other and the children knew each other. Mr. 23 always talked about this. But for a least 10 years of our relationship I was all the woman he needed and he was all the man I needed. Now during the day since we didn't have to check out the kids and I would walk to Central Park. We would go to the zoo, it was free back then. We walked around, the kids played in the playgrounds, I sat watching them smoking my reefer and studying my lessons. We would have lunch on the hill above the zoo, it was quiet and not too many people knew about the spot. When we finished we would feed the pigeons. The would gather all around us, hundreds of them, I mean they would eat right out of our hands. Once the monkeys' go loose in the zoo, that was a day we didn't go. Central Park was my park. I loved it and wish I could go walk around it today. But my lungs, ain't happening.
Later we would go back to the hotel. Where pimps, prostitutes, drug dealers, hustlers and transvestites lived. They were characters. Koch was mayor, he hadn't yet started putting families in hotels yet, so we were a rare sight. The pimps use to tell my man he had a goldmine and should put me on the stroll. One night he came home and told me to get dressed that I was going to work. I started getting dress, tears rolling down my face. I couldn't believe he would do this to me. All I could think about was how was I going to get my children and get away from him. After a while he said he was just playing. That he didn't want no one else to have me.
There was this young working girl, her pimp use to rent the room next door to us. He use to beat this girl, he use to slam her against the walls, broke the mirrors and sometimes the windows. We were on the 10th floor and I knew that one night she was going to go out the window. She would have black eyes, broken arms. I couldn't understand why she stayed. My man said she had no where else to go. She ended up getting a new pimp.
There was the transvestite that lived at the other end of the hall. She was short and dark skin. She use to walk up and down the hall cussing in Spanish. Back then they use to give out samples on the street, cigarettes, candy, L. Ron Hubbard's books. Well one day this transvestite knocked on my door and asked me if I wanted some sanitary napkins she got on the street. She said she was finished with her period.
Another character was Sue and her man Slick. She was stereotypical trailer trash. Blond, blue eyes drug addict and Slicks bottom bitch, if he had any other woman. Slick was stereotypical pimp. The wide hat colorful clothes, platform shoes and a black country boy. He didn't talk to me, but talk to Mr. 23 about his "bitches" all the time. Sue had a daughter that was being taken care of by her sister. She wanted to be my girlfriend. She use to come and sit with me and the kids during the day watching the soap operas. I would cook on hot plates and we talked about food. I would put her hair in rollers and help her get ready to go out and work.
There was a pimp that had a real stable of about 6 girls, one had a son. Named Pimp, Pimp was about 4. When his mother got busted Sue was to taking care of him. At night they use to ask me to take care of Pimp. I stopped when he was playing with my kids and told my son, that his sister was the hoe and told her to go and make his money.
Then there was Sandy, she was a man, a big man. Puerto Rican, pretty. She use to show me her new clothes, shoes and look out for me. She wouldn't let anyone in the building fuck with me. My kids knew who the men were, that dressed like women. We told them they were homo's. Sandy use to prostitute, sometimes her johns use to try to rob her. Boy did they get a surprise when she would kick their ass all up and down the hall then take their money. We had a potty in the room so we wouldn't go when working hours began until the morning when all the johns were leaving.
One night there was a fire. Sandy knocked on the door and told me to get the kids out of there. I put my sons' coat on and had him wait, I was putting my daughter coat on when Sandy came in and said hurry up and snatch my son up. My son yelled, "The homos' got me!!" Sandy paid no attention, just took him and put him in the elevator and wouldn't let them move the elevator until me and my daughter got there. By the time the fire department came Sandy and my man put the fire out. Sandy and I stayed cool. She introduced me to her daughter. I was confused, my man explained that his daughter was a guy, that she turned out in jail. Now talking about cute, he/she was gorgeous, you would never know she had a penis.
That was the beginning of our life together. We stayed in hotels in NYC for a year and a half then we moved to a motel in Asbury Park, NJ. His bother and earth lived there also. There was a pool and a private bath. In the city the bathrooms were outside the room. Mr. 23s' brothers' earth taught me how to buy pork free food and products like soap, toothpaste and such. I was cool, she was cool, the kids and our men were cool. Only thing is Mr. 23 and his brother could only get along for a short time before they were ready to kill each other. From there we moved in to one of his friends' apartment in the projects. To be continued.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Me Verse Lupus: My life the vacum
Me Verse Lupus: My life the vacum: "I use to have a life. I had friends that use to call. We would make plans to hang out. One friend was always going back and forth to the do..."
My life the vacum
I use to have a life. I had friends that use to call. We would make plans to hang out. One friend was always going back and forth to the doctors. She would call and tell me all the things that were wrong with her. She would tell me about her job, her boyfriends, kids and she never heard anything I said. But I knew she was a friend now, that I'm sick she doesn't call and her number has changed. I told her daughter to tell her to call. That was in the beginning of the summer and I still haven't heard from her. I have an old friend, we call each other at least once a month. I have another friend who calls and keeps in touch with me on FB. She supports me, she's there for me when I need someone, and she's making plans to spend time with me in December. She lives in another state. I'm looking forward to it and hope I don't be disappointed. I'm home all the time. I don't go anywhere, except to the doctor and maybe shopping. I was looking so forward to going out to lunch with my mate and her friend last week. But that didn't happen and it won't happen. I feel like a prisoner. I spoke to one of my daughters the other night and she said she had nothing to talk about. No one has time for me. Being sick steals your life and gives you nothing. I try to stay busy, writing this blog, where I seem to do nothing but cry all the time. I crochet, work on my family newsletter, create cards. I want to work on my novel but my concentration is for naught, I want to write a poems, but I don't have the skills anymore. There's hardly ever anything good on TV. I can't sleep. Here I go again, my life's a vacum, it sucks. I need some positive energy to zap my ass with a current of enthusiasm. Maybe I should take the cymbalta.I smile when I write about the memories of the past. I cried then during the hard times, but today they were the good old days. Will I get past this sad lonely time. Does anyone care? Should I give a damn if they do or don't?
Me Verse Lupus: The begining of Mr. 23 years
Me Verse Lupus: The begining of Mr. 23 years: "I was sitting on the front steps on a May evening, smoking and taking my my braids out in 1981. He was walking by. He passed a few days ag..."
The begining of Mr. 23 years
I was sitting on the front steps on a June evening, smoking and taking my my braids out in 1981. He was walking by. He passed a few days ago and told me he hadn't seen me in a long time. He told me I put on weight but carried it well. This time he told me I was too pretty to be outside with my hair undone. I asked him where did I know him from and he said from right there. He took my questioning him as an invitation to join me. He said he's watched me for years, bidding his time. I was impressed that he claimed to be attracted to me for years. I was going to a party that night and asked if he wanted to come.
I went to get dressed and put the my babies to bed. I went to sit outside to enjoy the cool June evening. He came by again and sat with me. Smoking my Virgina Slims and selling me his dreams. He said he sold Chopper, Sergio Valenti, and other designer jeans. He was cool, caring a flat zipper bag, and wearing a Kangoo hat cocked to the side and bright white Adidas. He took me out on Brooklyn/Queens day, originally he said he would be taking me to Flushing Meadow Park. Instead he took me to see a Cheech and Chong movie on 42nd St. He had a new item he was selling, it was called a Sony Walkman. Once you put the headphones on you couldn't hear anything but the music in your head. The music was clear and surround sound. In order for him to talk to me he pressed a button for the mic and I heard his voice in my head. We walked to Brick Town where he showed me off to all the old gangsters, then caught a cab into the city. I was impressed. Once we got into Manhattan he brought 2 tall cans of Budweiser's, that he put in his pants and a bag of reefer. We went into the theater, drank beer and smoked a joint. Back then you could smoke in the movies and we smoked everything, cigarettes and refeer. When the movie was over he pressed the mic on the headphones and told me he lived up the block, but he took me to the train station and then home where he kissed me quickly and left. The next day he called and asked me if I had a PHD. I didn't have a clue as to what he meant. He called me all day and filled my head with so much pretty words that I couldn't think straight. I was open big time and it took 23 years to wake up from the trans he put on me.
I went to get dressed and put the my babies to bed. I went to sit outside to enjoy the cool June evening. He came by again and sat with me. Smoking my Virgina Slims and selling me his dreams. He said he sold Chopper, Sergio Valenti, and other designer jeans. He was cool, caring a flat zipper bag, and wearing a Kangoo hat cocked to the side and bright white Adidas. He took me out on Brooklyn/Queens day, originally he said he would be taking me to Flushing Meadow Park. Instead he took me to see a Cheech and Chong movie on 42nd St. He had a new item he was selling, it was called a Sony Walkman. Once you put the headphones on you couldn't hear anything but the music in your head. The music was clear and surround sound. In order for him to talk to me he pressed a button for the mic and I heard his voice in my head. We walked to Brick Town where he showed me off to all the old gangsters, then caught a cab into the city. I was impressed. Once we got into Manhattan he brought 2 tall cans of Budweiser's, that he put in his pants and a bag of reefer. We went into the theater, drank beer and smoked a joint. Back then you could smoke in the movies and we smoked everything, cigarettes and refeer. When the movie was over he pressed the mic on the headphones and told me he lived up the block, but he took me to the train station and then home where he kissed me quickly and left. The next day he called and asked me if I had a PHD. I didn't have a clue as to what he meant. He called me all day and filled my head with so much pretty words that I couldn't think straight. I was open big time and it took 23 years to wake up from the trans he put on me.
Me Verse Lupus: Quantum Just sharing a poem today
Me Verse Lupus: Quantum Just sharing a poem today: "QUANTUM Sunrise buried in dusk, Prior to the waking night. Presently standing,on the threshold of the past,Facing the future. No going back,..."
Quantum Just sharing a poem today
QUANTUM
Sunrise buried in dusk,
Prior to the waking night.
Presently standing,
on the threshold of the past,
Facing the future.
No going back,
No staying here,
Forward one way.
A guest of virtual reality,
suspended in animation.
Feelings of numbness,
emotions suppressed.
Wondering which is me,
the lost or the free?
Spinning, spiraling, swirling,
nausea, vertigo, detached,
Stained in mystery,
is my aura.
Birth emerging,
life exploring.
……Death…..
No ignoring.
Psychotherapy babble,
metaphysical quandary,
are the reality of my insanity.
No escape from the prison of self-consciousness,
a life sentence of accepted regret.
From the darkness comes the light,
where the once blind learns to see.
(c) 12/05/08
Monday, September 27, 2010
Me Verse Lupus: Another choice I made I made.
Me Verse Lupus: Another choice I made I made.: "I had a pretty good night sleep last night got up at 6am, I went to bed about 8:30 pm. I got a few times for the bathroom but went right ba..."
Another choice I made I made.
I had a pretty good night sleep last night got up at 6am, I went to bed about 8:30 pm. I got a few times for the bathroom but went right back to sleep. I cheated I took 1.5mg of lorazapam. Doctors don't want me to take it because of something it does to my lungs, but I need sleep. This lack of sleep is messing with my usual cheerful self. Making me negative, it's raining out side but there's sunshine in my soul. God has blessed me with another day and allowed me to rise out the bed. He gave me the talent to write and the time to do so. I want to get back into going with the flow. I've never been spoiled so why do I think I should be now. I'm thankful for what life has for me today, has giving me in the past and for all the days I pray will follow.
I lived my life, made my choices and this is the day I have. I had fun even though I write mostly about the sadness. I guess that's because that's what I remember.
I met my oldest daughter father when I was living upstate. We met on the street I think, up in Oneonta there weren't that many black people on the streets back in the late 70s', so we tended to greet each other even if we didn't know each other. We went to the bar which was like a disco, they had a smoke and bubble machine. We danced to the music of Prince, Sylvester, Chic and the Gap band. We smoked refeer and drank all the liquor we could before 11 pm when the open bar closed, after the drinks cost a $1 I think. It was a college town everyone was parting. When the place was closing I asked him if he had Donna Sumers' new song, Last Dance and he said he did. I got to his apartment where he had creates full of albums, but no Donna Summers, he came and kissed me and asked me if that's what I wanted, Uh yea, but I did want to hear Donna sing the last dance. He didn't have the album, we did ended up having some good sex. I had him open, he would lie and say I didn't. He was always afraid to express his feelings. He was another selfish person in my life. All about him, more so today then ever.
Yes I had my son and he treated him like his own. We played house. I would cook, clean and have dinner waiting when he came in. I mean I baked cookies, cakes and even bread. We entertained the college students. We always had gallons of liquor and reefer. We would have peole over and play cards all night parting.
We read Penthouse and would act out the fantasies we read. He had an interview in Albany. We went to the top of the states building steps and had sex behind one of those huge pillars. The building was closed, but you never knew who may have been looking. I remember us trying to hurry up because people were coming up the steps.
I took the bike to go on a beer run. These kids outside the store asked me to buy beer for them. I did and the shop keeper came out and held me until the police came. I got arrested and when he came he told me good for me. The judge gave me a $200 fine or 2 weeks in jail. 200 DOLLARS! my rent was $150 a month and we were barely making that. I had good friends back then, we all pulled that money together.
We moved into this apartment that was half a house. There was this lady that rode around the neighborhood on a bike, we called her the doll lady. She dressed like Raggedy Ann and wore her make up with round red checks and lipstick that made a smile. She wore her hair in two pony tails and a bonnet on top. She was our neighbor. She was nice, so were her parents. $200 a month for 2 bedrooms, living room, kitchen, breakfast nook, open front porch and a enclosed back porch and the basement. Nice apartment. The bathtub faced a window that opened to the sky, I use to love to lay in the tub and watch the sky, it was the east window so I didn't get to see the sunrise which would of made it perfect. I didn't have time for morning baths. We use to go for walks in the woods searching for deers. A skunk once let his smell off on the side of the house. Bats use to fly over head, raccoons use to come to the back porch to look for food. There was a Dodge dealer across the street from us. Sometimes we would get in the cars and look at them. The keys were under the mats. If were were thieves we would of made plenty of money. Living up there was nice, peaceful. But of course for me it wasn't enough.
When I went into labor with our daughter he got me to the hospital but didn't seem too interested. It was too early, you see we were packing to move and I lifted a box, which probably induced the labor. The doctor wanted to slow the labor and he gave me an intervenous of pure Vodka. I was drunk in seconds. The nurses smiled and said the doctor sometimes turns his patients upside down to slow the labor. Some years later I read that, that doctor was sued for malpractice. No one ever believes me when I tell this story. The father he sat at the foot of the bed and just looked between my legs, where I was propped up on a bed pan cause my daughter was laying on my bladder and pushing all the water out of me. When it was time to deliver he just sat there, he didn't hold my hand, comfort me or nothing. My feelings changing for him.
I don't remember what happen but we moved back to New York in my mothers house. We were arguing all the time. He didn't want to hear anything I had to say so we broke up. He came and got his dauhgter a few time but after a while that was it. He din't see her again until 8 years ago when she was 22. He's now living with ere and helping her with the kids. he's still the same person he was when I first met him.
Next will be Mr. 23 years.
I lived my life, made my choices and this is the day I have. I had fun even though I write mostly about the sadness. I guess that's because that's what I remember.
I met my oldest daughter father when I was living upstate. We met on the street I think, up in Oneonta there weren't that many black people on the streets back in the late 70s', so we tended to greet each other even if we didn't know each other. We went to the bar which was like a disco, they had a smoke and bubble machine. We danced to the music of Prince, Sylvester, Chic and the Gap band. We smoked refeer and drank all the liquor we could before 11 pm when the open bar closed, after the drinks cost a $1 I think. It was a college town everyone was parting. When the place was closing I asked him if he had Donna Sumers' new song, Last Dance and he said he did. I got to his apartment where he had creates full of albums, but no Donna Summers, he came and kissed me and asked me if that's what I wanted, Uh yea, but I did want to hear Donna sing the last dance. He didn't have the album, we did ended up having some good sex. I had him open, he would lie and say I didn't. He was always afraid to express his feelings. He was another selfish person in my life. All about him, more so today then ever.
Yes I had my son and he treated him like his own. We played house. I would cook, clean and have dinner waiting when he came in. I mean I baked cookies, cakes and even bread. We entertained the college students. We always had gallons of liquor and reefer. We would have peole over and play cards all night parting.
We read Penthouse and would act out the fantasies we read. He had an interview in Albany. We went to the top of the states building steps and had sex behind one of those huge pillars. The building was closed, but you never knew who may have been looking. I remember us trying to hurry up because people were coming up the steps.
I took the bike to go on a beer run. These kids outside the store asked me to buy beer for them. I did and the shop keeper came out and held me until the police came. I got arrested and when he came he told me good for me. The judge gave me a $200 fine or 2 weeks in jail. 200 DOLLARS! my rent was $150 a month and we were barely making that. I had good friends back then, we all pulled that money together.
We moved into this apartment that was half a house. There was this lady that rode around the neighborhood on a bike, we called her the doll lady. She dressed like Raggedy Ann and wore her make up with round red checks and lipstick that made a smile. She wore her hair in two pony tails and a bonnet on top. She was our neighbor. She was nice, so were her parents. $200 a month for 2 bedrooms, living room, kitchen, breakfast nook, open front porch and a enclosed back porch and the basement. Nice apartment. The bathtub faced a window that opened to the sky, I use to love to lay in the tub and watch the sky, it was the east window so I didn't get to see the sunrise which would of made it perfect. I didn't have time for morning baths. We use to go for walks in the woods searching for deers. A skunk once let his smell off on the side of the house. Bats use to fly over head, raccoons use to come to the back porch to look for food. There was a Dodge dealer across the street from us. Sometimes we would get in the cars and look at them. The keys were under the mats. If were were thieves we would of made plenty of money. Living up there was nice, peaceful. But of course for me it wasn't enough.
When I went into labor with our daughter he got me to the hospital but didn't seem too interested. It was too early, you see we were packing to move and I lifted a box, which probably induced the labor. The doctor wanted to slow the labor and he gave me an intervenous of pure Vodka. I was drunk in seconds. The nurses smiled and said the doctor sometimes turns his patients upside down to slow the labor. Some years later I read that, that doctor was sued for malpractice. No one ever believes me when I tell this story. The father he sat at the foot of the bed and just looked between my legs, where I was propped up on a bed pan cause my daughter was laying on my bladder and pushing all the water out of me. When it was time to deliver he just sat there, he didn't hold my hand, comfort me or nothing. My feelings changing for him.
I don't remember what happen but we moved back to New York in my mothers house. We were arguing all the time. He didn't want to hear anything I had to say so we broke up. He came and got his dauhgter a few time but after a while that was it. He din't see her again until 8 years ago when she was 22. He's now living with ere and helping her with the kids. he's still the same person he was when I first met him.
Next will be Mr. 23 years.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Me Verse Lupus: Bless with Gods' comfort.
Me Verse Lupus: Bless with Gods' comfort.: "Good morning, Good morning!! Nothing changed just my attitude and outlook on life today. I still didn't get a good night sleep. In fact I ..."
Blessed with Gods' comfort.
Good morning, Good morning!! Nothing changed just my attitude and outlook on life today. I still didn't get a good night sleep. In fact I was up until 3 am working on my family newsletter. It's 9:30 am now. I love my scattered family so much and wish we could come together for a week or a least a weekend. I pray for this. A small part of our family did get together. My sister has a son in Alaska and they had a baby in June. The most beautiful baby ever. They have been posting photos all the time and my sister was always wishing she could hold him so bad. Video calling wasn't satisfying the desire. My sister had a son that died of cancer 15 years ago. The family planned a graveside memorial yesterday. My nephew and his new baby arrived from Alaska! I couldn't be there they live 3 hours away and I can't sit on Greyhound that long. But looking at the pictures seeing the joy in my sisters' face overwhelmed me. Face book is avenue to keep family and friends in touch.It's wonderful for someone who can't get around like they use to. Even though I'm still smarting from the era I made, I won't close my account. I am happy to have announce in our family news letter, a new birth and a reunion of grandma and grandson.
You see it doesn't take much to pull me out of a funk. I finally got my check, but not the bill for my medical records. I see the cardiologist this Friday, first doctor with the insurance. I want him to be my primary doctor. He's about 3 to 4 miles close. I hope to have my medical records before then.
My son called me yesterday to find out if I spoke to my daughter about making time for him to come and pick up his coat. My daughter doesn't answer her phone or returns my calls. I didn't hear from either of my girls this weekend. It's not unusual. I should have a nice quiet day, my mates' mother is cooking mac and cheese, an oven stuffer and string beans. I just hope there will be good movies on.
Thanks to those who sent words of support yesterday when I was in the dumps. I don't have an headache, the pain in my chest is dull. My shoulder is okay, so are my knees but the feet. Well I guess they should hurt caring all this weight on them. My temperature was 98, that's high. It's usually between 96 & 97. I don't know if it's the thermometer or what. I like the old fashion kind with mercury. My pressure was 147/80, I'm going to take it all week so I give the information to my new doctor.
My state of being today is all thanks to God he picked me up and cradled me in his arms and comforted me and filled my mind with peace and my heart with love. All praises are do and I thank God for blessing me, today and always even when I feel alone. I know His Grace covers me. Amen.
First John
1:8 I we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth in not in us.
1:9 I we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness
You see it doesn't take much to pull me out of a funk. I finally got my check, but not the bill for my medical records. I see the cardiologist this Friday, first doctor with the insurance. I want him to be my primary doctor. He's about 3 to 4 miles close. I hope to have my medical records before then.
My son called me yesterday to find out if I spoke to my daughter about making time for him to come and pick up his coat. My daughter doesn't answer her phone or returns my calls. I didn't hear from either of my girls this weekend. It's not unusual. I should have a nice quiet day, my mates' mother is cooking mac and cheese, an oven stuffer and string beans. I just hope there will be good movies on.
Thanks to those who sent words of support yesterday when I was in the dumps. I don't have an headache, the pain in my chest is dull. My shoulder is okay, so are my knees but the feet. Well I guess they should hurt caring all this weight on them. My temperature was 98, that's high. It's usually between 96 & 97. I don't know if it's the thermometer or what. I like the old fashion kind with mercury. My pressure was 147/80, I'm going to take it all week so I give the information to my new doctor.
My state of being today is all thanks to God he picked me up and cradled me in his arms and comforted me and filled my mind with peace and my heart with love. All praises are do and I thank God for blessing me, today and always even when I feel alone. I know His Grace covers me. Amen.
First John
1:8 I we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth in not in us.
1:9 I we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness
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