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My family

Embrace Today By: K. Wilhelmina Floria

Tears of happiness shall fall,
listen close for your destination call.

A river of tranquility flows through life.

Ride out the eye of the storm, pass the strife.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Me Verse Lupus: Telling more of my story

Me Verse Lupus: Telling more of my story: "Today I'm not broken. Well at this moment I'm not, my moods are subject to change. One of the things I hate about this damn lupus is I don't..."

Me Verse Lupus: Telling more of my story

Me Verse Lupus: Telling more of my story: "Today I'm not broken. Well at this moment I'm not, my moods are subject to change. One of the things I hate about this damn lupus is I don't..."

Telling more of my story

Today I'm not broken. Well at this moment I'm not, my moods are subject to change. One of the things I hate about this damn lupus is I don't know who I'll be from day to day.  I read somewhere that the steroids can make you phsycotic, maybe I'm becoming bipolar.  I'm not hearing voices but the mood swings are crazy, no pun indented.  I won't take any mood altering drugs though, unless they give me cocaine in a pill.  The last time I took Cymbalta I was happy, so happy I didn't know how to handle it, it felt uncomfortable because I really don't know what true happiness feels like.  But today I'm good.

The last thing I spoke about was the raid on the house.  My stepson got seven years.  His girlfriend got probation. He brought her a engagement ring, and he had $900 on a gold chain, the receipt was lost.  How fucked up is that, they could spend money on jewelry but not pay rent to me.  I tell you I won't help anyone any more, I was taken advantage of.

His girlfriend moved out. I still had a house full of people. My oldest daughter was working for me in my home care agency.  She had a live-in case and was home only on the weekends. She had a boyfriend that was a drug dealer, gang banger.  That thing about telling your children you disapprove of their relationships, could and will result in pushing them together. It's true.  Neither me or Mr. 23 years like this man.  He was grimy, he had no respect for anyone. I could say he was/ is a pshycopath. I was at work and something happen I don't know what, but the fool had a tech 9 I think, or some big ugly gun. Someone said something to him or disrespected my daughter and he came out and shot at a car.  My neighbor was a Port Authority cop.  He had his back and didn't say anything.  My daughter cleaned the fingerprints off the gun.  He had a bullet proof vest in the closet and the gun. Both illegal. They picked up the the shell castings, the police. They raided the house again. Everyone was let go, I didn't get locked up this time, but both my daughters, Mr. 23 and my daughters stinking man did.  I just knew he was going away for a long time. He was released on a technicality.

While her boyfriend was locked up my daughter beat up this girl because she was suppose to have slept with her man.  From what I understand three guys had to pull my daughter off the girl because she almost killed the girl.  My daughter ran away and hid.  When the police came to look for her, I told them where she was.  It was a fight, she could press charges just like the girl.  My daughter was so mad at me. She was locked up for three weeks and when she stood in front of the judge the first time, she was so disrespectfully and when she looked at me, man, if she could kill with eyes, I wouldn't be sitting here typing this now.  They kept adjourning her hearing. Finally Mr. 23 spoke to a lawyer in the court room who was getting his clients released.  He told Mr. 23 she'll be out in a couple of hours and he was true to his word. My daughter was never charged. But none the less she was acting real thug.

My daughter didn't understand that I was looking out for her interest. My step son was hiding from the police for 4 years and when they finally arrested him in the raid, the crime he was hiding from, they gave him hardly any time.  He screwed up his life for something that could of gone away easily.  I didn't want my daughter to do this. Today she has no record, almost has her BS and is working for the NYC Housing Authority.  She has two kids by the ass hole but today she knows he's an ass hole.

My youngest daughter had a boyfriend that use to come and sit in the house just to watch her. My daughter wasn't interested in him, but he finally wore her down.  He was possessive and use to beat her.  One of the guys that lived in the house almost choked him after I told him how he was abusing my daughter.

This guy I'll call him K. He was a true gangster.  He paid his rent to me, regularly.  He was over protective of me and thought I was a good person.  I use to sit up at night drinking and doing my coke, I would sit out on the front steps and just hang out.  Mr. 23 was with the woman who became his wife or one of the many women he was seeing. I got K and another of Mr. 23 friends drunk. I went up to bed and left them out side.  One of the guys kicked my dog.  I loved my Sammy, he was the best pet I ever had.  Well K almost killed the guy over my dog.  Mr. 23 was out or passed out in bed, K and I would sit up at night sniffing and talking. He was a good man, but short tempered.

The artist, who was Mr. 23 friend like his brother, I mentioned him several time earlier.  He's a gangster too, he was creating album covers for some of the known rappers. Again I didn't get any rent money.  The artist liked to smoke PCP, now I've had angel dust, that's mint leaves soaked with PCP, dried then smoked.  The way the Artist smoked it was to dip a cigarette in the liquid and then smoke it.  Mr. 23 and I did this together and it was nice.  It was like we were in a dream and we talked about a future that was going to be wonderful.  We made love and it was nice.  I liked that PCP but knew I was tripping and didn't want to get hooked on that. Mr. 23 got hooked and started smoking it everyday and it bugged him out. He was running around the street talking about buying foreclosed houses and reselling them. He was out in the street doing karate. 

One day he came home and beat me with a paddle until I was black and blue on my ass.  The artist came upstairs and got him to stop.  After he packed up and move out to his now wife.  Before that he was threatening and acting crazy.  I called the police and he was taken to the hospital.  The hospital called and said they were releasing him. I told them he just threatened to kill me and the doctor said he sounds normal now, call him and see.  I called Mr. 23 and when he heard my voice he said, "you called the police on me, when I get out here I'm going to kill you!"  I called the doctor back and the doc said they were going to keep him.  This is when things started to change.

My mate just woke up and just commented about me being on the computer.  She killed my good mood as usual.  I will be telling my story about her soon.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Me Verse Lupus: Broken inside

Me Verse Lupus: Broken inside: "I've been feeling a bit depressed since the year has come in. I'm trying to get out the funk but it's just lingering on. My feelings on that..."

Broken inside

I've been feeling a bit depressed since the year has come in. I'm trying to get out the funk but it's just lingering on. My feelings on that is fuck it. I've always had me and I shouldn't care how lonely I feel because I have God and me always and that's all that matters. With that said, I lost a total of 15 pounds!  I hope that by the time I go to the doctor next month I will be under 300 pounds, that's just 5 pounds away. 

Yesterday I received a call from the SLE Lupus Foundation asking about the health insurance I have with the Health Care Reform Act.  They gave my number to an international news station, online newspaper.  They are coming to interview me today to find out how the health insurance impacted my life.  The House is trying to repeal the Health Care Act. They meet on January 12th I believe.  Anyway the site is Aljazeera English. I'll post the article or video if they use me.

I started working on my novel yesterday.  It's hard for me to stay focused.  I remember I use to have no problem writing.  I use to write poems and short stories in like one, two, three.  It sadness me because writing is my love and it is difficult today.

I feel so isolated and alone and the funny thing I have always felt this way. Even when I was in a room full of people.  Just before I became sick I wrote the following poem. I was having difficulty breathing. I was tired all the time and I was just sad.


Broken Inside

 I’m so sad,
I don’t know why,
the blues make me cry.
I am a nut without a squirrel,
alone in this world.

I need comfort and peace.
Where are the joy police?

My heart should be cold,
now that I’m old.
I know.
Love and devotion,
are  false emotions.
With every breath,
there’s a longing for death.
Once I could spread my legs,
and make strong men beg.
Lust was a game,
my juice made some insane.
Now I need a pill,
not for a common thrill,
but to capture, my lost sanity
and gain some mentality.
Confused and self abused.
I’m broken inside,
At this moment, I want to die.


I want to tell the rest of my life story, especially since I'm almost up to date but give me a few more day.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Me Verse Lupus: My New year

Me Verse Lupus: My New year: "I'm back!! I'm feeling okay today. The rash is gone, the blister on my hand popped and it's healing, it no longer hurts. I'm bre..."

My New year

I'm back!! I'm feeling okay today.  The rash is gone, the blister on my hand popped and it's healing, it no longer hurts.  I'm breathing easier.  I needed to use the oxygen a few times when I was sitting. I had a hard time breathing out there in the snow when I went out to get on the Access-A-Ride and got off. But I did okay yesterday when I got home. I came in ate, unpacked took a shower and got in the bed around 5 pm.  I got up a few times to use the bathroom, take my evening meds but all and all I slept and slept and slept until this morning. I got out the bed at 7:50am, I got up because I needed to take my medication.

I had an interesting time with my online support group, there was an argument. Can you imagine?  I'm not going to get into it, only to say I am disappointed in myself for feeding into the bull shit. I don't know how active I will be on the site after this.  I joined the lupus, COPD and PH groups. The lupus group was the most welcoming. Now I have to just watch and see how it is from now on.

I went to my daughters', I was there from Wednesday until Saturday afternoon. It was peaceful but I was sad.  Sad that my daughters don't share my family values, traditions or togetherness what ever it is, I don't know.  My daughter didn't get a Christmas tree, she told me this but still the kids didn't show any evidence of Christmas at all.  No candy canes, Christmas drawings.  They got video games so there weren't any new toys around the place.  They thanked me for the gifts I gave them, with money I spent that today leaves my bank account with a negative balance.  I did what I could yet they tell me they wanted something else.  I know they don't know better but it still hurt a bit.

My youngest daughters' son was with his father.  I asked why she didn't tell me to bring him when I came on Wednesday.  She says he would mess up her weekend, then tried to clean it up by saying he needed to spend time with his daddy.

On New Years Eve, my daughter brought us McDonald's for dinner.  She got out the bed around 12pm.  I asked if we were going to have rice and peas and vegetables and some meat.  She said it's a waste of money.  I got even sadder. When we were kids and when my kids were kids we always blew up balloons, we had hats, noise makers and there was a dinner cooking.  When I was a kid my grandmother would have stinking chitterlings cooking, pig feet, spareribs, greens, potato salad and rice and peas. There were drinks and champagne for the new year.  We would pop the balloons, toast the year and give everyone a hug and kiss.  When my kids were little we did the same thing only we didn't have pork, we had beef ribs or steak, no pork.

My daughter brought little horns, and sparkling apple cider.  It was just me and my two grandchildren, my daughters left and my other grandson wasn't there.  I tried to make it feel like a big thing for my babies but it was sad to me.

I don't make resolutions, I'm still not putting demands on myself but I plan to work on my novels and finish them. I'm going to try and work at them like a job. I don't have any appointment until the end of the month so I will have time to write a lot. I'm praying that I can be discipline.