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My family

Embrace Today By: K. Wilhelmina Floria

Tears of happiness shall fall,
listen close for your destination call.

A river of tranquility flows through life.

Ride out the eye of the storm, pass the strife.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Me Verse Lupus: Considering Suicide or not

Me Verse Lupus: Considering Suicide or not: "It was a little rough this weekend. I was feeling down again. I'm not complaining because this is the fate that God saw fit to give me so I ..."

Considering Suicide or not

It was a little rough this weekend. I was feeling down again. I'm not complaining because this is the fate that God saw fit to give me so I accept it, but can't stop being human about it and occasionally cry about. I had a wonderful time with my daughters and their children, good food and a delicious cake to slip on my diet for.  My son called from the rehab.  Of course he has a list of things he wants. He complained that the food is jail food.  I want to help him but I'm stressed because I don't have any extra money this month.   I went with out medication for a few days because I couldn't afford the co pay. I have my steroids and Cellcept which are the important meds, oh and I have the Revatio. I'm a proud woman and don't like to ask for help. I'm trying to figure out which doctors I should see because I can't see all that I need to see. I have two appointments this month, or should I say before my next SSD check. I need to see the eye doctor and the Hematologist, I don't know which is more important.

My daughter told me about her selfish father not Mr. 23 years this time, the other one.  He was getting paid to babysit the grand kids.  My daughter changed their school because he couldn't do it anymore.  They are in an after school program and my daughter picks them up.  He is still getting a check for babysitting. He stays on the computer all day long and doesn't assist my daughter with the cable or electric bill.  He brought a new Mac computer with a I think, a 32 inch screen.  I want to say something so bad.  I raised his daughter and didn't get any financial assistance from him the least he could do is help his daughter, she gave him a place to stay for 2 years now. Should I mind my business or open my mouth? I know nobody is going to make any suggestions, but I sure could use some.

I was in the bed all day Sunday. I was so tired, I slept most of the day and I was able to sleep all night.  While laying in bed I was thinking about my brother and mother. My brother had MS, he was a Vietnam vet that was shot and disabled from service.  He went to St. Johns' University and got a degree in sports management, but was never able to utilize it because he became totally disabled. Just before thanksgiving in 1987 he got sick, diarrhea, he wasn't eating and stayed in bed.  I don't know why we didn't call the ambulance for him. I guess because my brother was good at putting on a front.  I remember he had a bad tooth once and he took the pliers and pulled it out.  He was blind in one eye and the MS would make him lose balance and fall often.  He tried not to show any weakness to us, so we never knew how sick he was. We didn't know he had MS until he went to the ER after this ailment. My mother came home from a dinner and found him in bed bleeding from his eyes, nose, mouth and ears. His blood pressure was so high they couldn't read it on the pressure machine they had.  He went into a coma and died a week later. When we cleaned his room he had tons of blood pressure medication.  I believed he committed suicide.

My mother had lupus for about 12 years. Shortly after she was diagnosed she took pain killers and washed them down with vodka. My sister witnessed it and was able to call 911 and save her. Years later she had a heart attack, recovered went back to work. When she had a second heart attack she was forced to retire.  She did somethings that were strange now that I look back on it.  She was getting her full pay check for almost 2 years. She worked for the city of NY, she had sick time banked and annual time banked so she had to exhaust all of that. Then her Social Security and pension kicked in.  She moved my grandmother out of her apartment and sold the piano my mother had since she was a kid.  It was Mr. 23 years birthday, I was in the habit of talking to my mother the every night. She told me she went to the doctor that day and she wasn't feeling too well that she thought it was her gallstones.  Being that it was Mr. 23s' birthday and my car only went 30 mph I decided to stop by on my way to work in the morning.  In the morning I was running late. I went straight to work. I had to start on something as soon as I walked in, the receptionist called and told me my mothers' neighbor was on the phone.  I went to my mothers' the ambulance was still there.  They told me that my mother died.  My grand mother said my mother was worried about her friend that had throat cancer and didn't mention how she was feeling at all. My mother took the garbage out that morning and told the neighbor she had no time to talk and to leave her alone she didn't feel good.  That isn't my mother, she was always thoughtful of other peoples' feelings, she passed that trait on to me.  My grand mother said she came back in and went to bed.   My grandmother checked on my mother, her teeth were on the floor across the room and she didn't look right. Gran couldn't dial the phone so she went to the front door to see if she could find someone to help.  Mom knew she was sick from the night before.  She had nitroglycerin pills, she had baby aspirin, she had 2 heart attacks before this one.  To further prove my point that she committed suicide she wrote a note to me, my brother and sister. Telling us everything would be alright and God bless us. When we cleaned her room there were so many bottles of empty vodka all over the place.

I tell these stories because I worry about myself. Will my illness depress me to the point where I want to give up.  Will I too ignore the signs of something being seriously wrong and not seek help.  I have drugs that I can take that could kill me. Will I one day decide to take all  the lorazapam I have left. I have potassium chloride that I take daily, what would an over dose of that do? What about the revatio? Or maybe I can just stop taking my pressure medication. Yes I've thought about it.  I wonder if anyone would really care, will it be a blessing that I'm gone. Will I be missed by anyone besides my son? Do I really want to die now? No I don't I want to see my grand kids grow up and be there to help them through life.  However I want to know what my purpose is, do I have one? I want to write, I've always loved to write but I can't stay focused, I can't think of words I once used everyday.  I'm worried about my getting the medication that keeps me going.  I feel isolated sometimes like I'm totally alone in this world.  I get on the computer and go to the social networks my support group and still I feel alone.  I have no where to go except to the doctors. My girls don't have much to say to me, so I don't bother them. I call my family, a few call me but all in all I feel alone and I know it's all in my head. My mate is always going to the bar and doing her thing.  She says she'll take me here or we'll do this but never do, just empty promises.  I can't go anywhere because I can't afford to buy my meds, so how can I afford anything else. I know I must be rambling on and on. This blog is the only place I have to speak my my mind or thoughts. When I talk to friends and family they tell me about their lives, I know they don't want to hear the way I feel so I just say, I'm okay.  I don't want to die today, but what about tomorrow? Will I become so sad that I just give up? I believe that life is like book, you don't know what adventures will happen on the next page.  I'm one of those readers that will keep reading a bad book just to find out what happens.  I think of my life like that, no matter how bad it is I'll keep going to see what happens the next day.