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My family

Embrace Today By: K. Wilhelmina Floria

Tears of happiness shall fall,
listen close for your destination call.

A river of tranquility flows through life.

Ride out the eye of the storm, pass the strife.


Friday, January 21, 2011

Me Verse Lupus: My life turns around once again

Me Verse Lupus: My life turns around once again: "I'm getting in this funk. I'm wondering what is my purpose, is it to be on this computer all day going back and forth from FB, writerscafe, ..."

My life turns around once again

I'm getting in this funk. I'm wondering what is my purpose, is it to be on this computer all day going back and forth from FB, writerscafe, the support group that I don't want to participate in any more because of the ugly vibe there.  I go on twitter but I can't keep up and no one really talks to me.  My children don't call and I try not to bother them. My mate has no time for me and basically doesn't want to be bothered. I know I went through this before and it's getting old. I wish I could write, but I can't stay focused.  My mind is worrying about this medicare I wish there was someone that could help me.  Someone gave me a program that helps with prescription drugs but the address was wrong so if that person is still reading will you please send it again.

Yesterday I needed one of my medications for the afternoon. I got dressed and called the guy that drives me around, he said he would be here to pick me up in less then a half hour. 45 minutes later he still wasn't here.  I called and he said he forgot and was on his way. He was like ten minutes away from where he said he was.  I waited another 15 minutes so I went to get change and told him if he didn't arrive in the next 2 minutes I was taking the bus.  I waited 5 minuted he didn't show, I took the bus, got my meds walked a block to the supermarket, called another guy that drives cabs, got what I needed and when I got out side the store in less then five minutes the guy shows up.  I'm less then a minute from home when the guy who stood me up calls and asks where I am. I told him I was on my way home and he insisted to know where I was.  The guy who did picked me up I stopped using him because he charges too much yesterday he only took $5 were he would of originally took $7. Greediness, I have a trick for them, I can get around by myself.  I could of walked back to the bus stop and got home for a dollar and ten cents and if need be I will do it next time. I just have to do it. Yay for me!

My children were grown. My son in jail, step son on his own, my girls with their men and babies. Just me and Mr. 23 years.  Me working and trying to keep the house going but I just couldn't afford it.  The bathroom was falling apart because the upgrade work was poorly done, the bathroom leaked down into the kitchen.  I was cooking on hot plates and using a George Foremans' oven to bake with.  I was fixing some good meals with my makeshift kitchen.

We were struggling, the boiler was makeshift it was dangerous, Mr. 23 kept it working but it could have exploded.  We would run out of oil often and spend the night sleeping in our clothes, with our coats and several blankets on top of us and a heaters on.  Mr. 23 would make a few dollars and put diesel gas in the boiler tank.  Rats were all through the house. We had poison down and traps but they wouldn't go away.  The guy we had rented the attic to had brought in a billion roaches, after he left we tried to bomb them and get rid of them but they just multiplied. It was sad living like this and I couldn't do anything because I had no finicial help. My youngest daughter, her man and baby were living in the house.  Mr. 23s' artist friends sister was staying with us. If everyone just helped a little life would of been better.

I was going to work everyday.  I worked in different offices everyday, I was a supervisor of three branches so some days I would go to the Queens branch, I would take the train but after while going up and down the subway stairs was a bit much so I started taking the bus.  I worked in the Brooklyn branch I had no choice but to take the subway, there were a lot of stairs to go up to get above ground, there were elevators in that station only sometimes they didn't work.  I also worked in the Bronx, that was almost a two hour ride from Queens by bus.  It was traveling on the bus to the Bronx and Queens office that I met her.  She started talking to me about the Knicks and what was going on in the news.  She invited me to the bar she hung out at, I finally went. Mr.23 was always out, my friend was doing her thing like she always does. So I was lonely like I am now because I'm not a real social person.  So I went to the bar.

I was sitting at the bar when she walked in. She made a grand entrance when someone asked her where she was coming from she said, "some people got to work for a living." Then she noticed me and a big smile came across her face.  She sat with me brought me a drink and we talked. She brought me some coke, flowers and I think she brought some food.  The bar got crowded and everyone was trying to talk to me and I got a lot of attention.  I liked it and I would met her again and again. When we decided to sleep together I called in sick from work and went to her house.  She was so attentive and made promises just like men do.  Just the same as men once they get you they forget the promises they made to you.  As normal I got caught up in the excitement of the new relationship, the attention.  I would take days off of work and we would go to a hotel.  We went to Atlantic City and stayed in a motel. I took us to a play and on a boat ride. She promised to take me on a cruise and it never happened and probably won't. We use to go out to eat, she took me shopping for clothes. She did all the things to make me feel special. and then...to be continued.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Me Verse Lupus: Trying to gather enough spoons for the day

Me Verse Lupus: Trying to gather enough spoons for the day: "I was laying in the bed this morning trying to accumulate enough spoons to help me get through this day. The phone rang early, while I..."

Trying to gather enough spoons for the day

I was laying in the bed this morning trying to accumulate enough spoons to help me get through this day.  The phone rang early, while I was in a good sleep.  My mates' family gets up early and thinks the whole world is up too. I remember when I was a teenager my family and friends knew not to wake me in the morning because I was evil.  I always hated to be waken up when I didn't have to go out or do anything that day.  When I was raising my children I got better because I had to get up and take care of my kids, but now I'm back to feeling evil as hell when I'm awaken when I don't need to get up.  My mate gets up puts on the TV, turns on lights, talks to me as I'm laying in that twilight zone, she'll start cleaning, washing clothes.  I have no choice but to get up and just deal with it.  Now when she's sleep and I get up and turn the TV on she has a fit turn off the TV or if I'm on the computer she tells me to turn it off and get in the bed.  I can't just lay down and go to sleep like her, some nights I will toss and turn for hours and when I finally do get to sleep I'm awakened.  Hence my evilness but I keep it to my self, until now when I can let it out in this blog.

Yesterday I went to see my son at the 21 day rehab.  It took all the energy I had to get there but I did. They had a meeting with the family for a half hour.  All these family members were asking, will they get high when they get out, what can they do to keep them from getting high, can they take some drug, can't remember the name, that will take away their urge to drink, or what about methadone.  It got on my nerve that I said, 2 and a half years ago I was drinking, sniffing coke and smoking cigarettes and had I not gotten sick I would still be getting high.  I told them that I still have urges. I told them that I had stopped using because I want to live.  I had to be ready to stop mentally and that their love ones won't stop no matter how many rehabs, counselors, programs that they go to, they are not going to stop until they are mentally ready.  After I finished my piece, the counselor asked if anyone had any more questions. No one did and the useless meeting was over.  Well it was useless to me.

I love my son and I know I'm the only one he has and I want to support him. But he's draining me.  He left his clothes and stuff at my daughters' house. Between today and next Friday he wants me to get to my daughters and get some of his clothes, shoes and his papers and bring to him for the next visit.  I am so tired, I don't want to do nothing. But like I said I'm the only one he has, so some how or another I will do this for him.

I'm down to 301 pounds!! That's 16 pounds lost.  I found this machine called the Health Master.  I want this machine so bad.  It's a blender that liquidfies vegetables and fruit, pulp and all.  My juicer extracts the juice and wastes the pulp and to clean after you have to take the machine apart.  With this it just a pitcher to clean.  The machine costs $200 I asked my girls if they would buy it. They both should be getting income tax returns. I they don't hopefully I'll get a refund check and get it myself.  I like juices and if it's easy to prepare I will juice often.  I will lose this weight quickly and hopefully have more energy. Best of all it my push my body into remission.  I use to juice years ago and I felt good.  I'm excited and anxious.

I only have a little more of my life to tell and I will but I need to get rest and build the energy to stay focused. My head is in a fog, I'm stressed about the medicare, I called the SLE Lupus foundation to see if I can get help.  I had a problem with my bank account and that had me stressed for the past five days. Not to mention all the above on my mind.  I just need to do some meditation, praying and resting and hopefully in a few days I can write the finally pages of my story.