A new day to speak of.

Woke up feeling pretty good today.  It's raining, my kind of day.  I'm developing a heavy cough with phlegm, throat is itchy.  I don't know if I'm getting sick or if something is irritating me. It is allergy season, and I stopped taking the Claritin and Nasonex.  I really don't want to take any more drugs unless I absolutely need to. I'm sure some of the other luppies reading this, if there are still any, can understand this.

I take four pills before breakfast, seven pills with breakfast including three vitamins. It would be more except because of my potassium level I can't take the water pills and the doctor took me off the plaquline for safty measures.  In the afternoon I take two more high blood pressure pills and before bed I take five more pills that's a total of 21 pills to keep me alive. Not feeling well, alive.  Oh did I forget to mention I suck in breathing medications twice a day, spriva once in the morning and advair once in the morning and once at night. I wouldn't mind a pill to help me sleep at night though and maybe one that will make me feel like me again.

Tomorrow I go to my new doctor. I still didn't get the bill for to purchase my medical records. They would of been a big help.  At least I have the CD of my lungs and the letter from the doctor at Columbia describing his findings.  The one positive is that I saw this doctor before and he did a echo of my heart and he has the machines in his office.   I'm a bit anxious and I'm sure the anxiety will keep me up tonight.

I've been telling the story of my life with Mr. 23 years. I was trying to remember the physical pains.  When I was a teenager, I remember going to the beach and I layed out in the sun getting tanned.  That evening my skin was swollen and I had these little pimples all over.  I figured it was from the sand slapping my skin and a sever case of prickly heat.  When I got diagnoised with lupus I was looking at the rashes and I found that rash.  Rashes were never a big thing for me.  I had them my whole life. I did notice over the years that they usually appeared after sun exposure. One of the reasons I alway suspected Lupus, I knew about the sun sensitivity because my mother always wore sunscreen and hats and wouldn't go outside during the day.  My hands would swell up and hurt but I played handball for years and just assumed the swelling was arthritis.  I always told the doctors that I had arthritis and they took me at my word.  I was never tested, didn't know they did a test for arthritis.  I learned now the biggest mistake is to tell a doctor what you have before they tell you. I was doing his job for him.

We moved in with a friend of Mr. 23. He was in an accident some years before I met him and he got the money from the law suite.  He go about ten thousand dollars.  He had plans to open a store.  Always quick money was on his mind.  He cashed the check and they gave him thousand dollar bills and five hundred dollar bills.  They are out of circulation now. He showed off the money.  He brought himself a new wardrobe and gave me two hundred dollars to buy material for me to make me and the kids clothes with the sewing machine he brought me.  I didn't know how to sew.  He brought drugs and kept everyone that came around high.  His friend was disgusted and told us to leave.  His money was short and we found the piece of shit apartment in Jersey City. It was there that I got pregnate with my youngest child.  It was our first real home.  He started staying out at night and for days.  I use to get a welfare check on the first of the month everyone in the town did and there was only one check cashing place.  He would take the rent money. No I would give it to him, after he beged for it. He use to say he was going to take the money and flip it, double it. It never happened but I trusted him month after month.  When I gave birth he had a party and didn't come to visit me in the hospital.  It was then that my feelings started changing for him. My health started changing too.  I would get headaches, swelling hands and tired.  I guess that was the stress but it still wasn't enough to alarm me.  It wasn't until I moved back home with three kids that my symptoms started to really surface.