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My family

Embrace Today By: K. Wilhelmina Floria

Tears of happiness shall fall,
listen close for your destination call.

A river of tranquility flows through life.

Ride out the eye of the storm, pass the strife.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

More of the past to tell.

Another day in hell.  I am a 50 year old sick unhappy individual.  I'm not complaining just stating. I need a good night sleep.  I need to let calgon take me away but I can't fit in the tub.  I need to get out this house and breath some freedom, but I don't have the energy or money to do so.  I have no where to go.  I'm not going to do anything as I repeatedly stated, I want to see how the story ends.  But why?  I know there's something better out there for me, but right now I can't see it.  I can't understand why I want to live when living is so hard.  It would be so easy to just end it all.

I live with someone who reminds you daily, all day that you are a guest that this is not your home, chair, TV.  I should count my blessings she tells me all the time. Why? Because she lets me live here, gives me a roof over my head and food in my belly.  I'm thankful I got so sick that I can't work anymore and have someplace to live.  Jail! I am always on edge because I don't know what to say, if what I say will cause a negative reaction.  I don't know if I should sit or stand, scratch my ass of just hide under the covers. This is from someone who claims to love me.  But she doesn't know what love is, she doesn't give into anyone. It's here way or no way.  It's her world and be thankful she let you in it. She is so negative that she causes pain to those she claims she care about. You see for her it's hurt before she hurts.  So some little mousy bitch like me just hurts and hurts because I can't fight back.

Tequila will help.  When I go to the doctor on Friday I'm going to get me a bottle and get drunk. 

Okay let me try and get out of the mood before I go upstairs to face my keeper and expose my weakness.  Yesterday I told how I met Mr. 23 years.  About a week later after talking one the phone night and day. He took me to where he lived, in a hotel.  We layed on the bed kissing and feeling on each other when he jumped up and said get undressed.  He was skinny, like JJ on Good Times.  He had long arms, long legs and under those black silk draws a long dick. I stood in my matching bra and panties, we stood looking at each other for a moment when he said to me, "I'm going to have fun, to turn off the lights."  We did everything and more to each other.  This was the beginning of a lustful relationship.  The next night we spent together was when my daughters' father  came and took my daughter for the weekend.  My son was so hurt that he didn't take him too.  But that's the man he was and is. Mr. 23 years took me and my son out for the day.  My baby boy had so much fun running around the city. Hiding between the buildings and seeing all the sights of Manhattan.  That night we spent the night in his hotel and slept for the first time together.

I wanted to be with him so bad I moved myself and children into the hotels with him.  I was stupid, why would I do something like that.  Just to be with a man.

Check out time was at 11 am. We would get dressed the kids and I would go to Bryant park and they would play.  He would come get us around 3pm and check us back in the hotel.  We would go to the movies, then eat turkey sandwiches.  After a while the clerk would let us stay in the room until Mr. 23 made the money for another night stay. 

He started teaching me the lessons and I was impressed.  I study hard wanting to please him.  His friends would come around, they were thugs, but pussy cats to me. His brother had an earth and wife.  Both women knew each other and the children knew each other.  Mr. 23 always talked about this. But for a least 10 years of our relationship I was all the woman he needed and he was all the man I needed. Now during the day since we didn't have to check out the kids and I would walk to Central Park.  We would go to the zoo, it was free back then. We walked around, the kids played in the playgrounds, I sat watching them smoking my reefer and studying my lessons. We would have lunch on the hill above the zoo, it was quiet and not too many people knew about the spot.  When we finished we would feed the pigeons.  The would gather all around us, hundreds of them, I mean they would eat right out of our hands.  Once the monkeys' go loose in the zoo, that was a day we didn't go. Central Park was my park. I loved it and wish I could go walk around it today. But my lungs, ain't happening.

Later we would go back to the hotel.  Where pimps, prostitutes, drug dealers, hustlers and transvestites lived.  They were characters. Koch was mayor, he hadn't yet started putting families in hotels yet, so we were a rare sight.  The pimps use to tell my man he had a goldmine and should put me on the stroll.  One night he came home and told me to get dressed that I was going to work.  I started getting dress, tears rolling down my face.  I couldn't believe he would do this to me.  All I could think about was how was I going to get my children and get away from him.  After a while he said he was just playing. That he didn't want no one else to have me.
There was this young working girl, her pimp use to rent the room next door to us. He use to beat this girl, he use to slam her against the walls, broke the mirrors and sometimes the windows.  We were on the 10th floor and I knew that one night she was going to go out the window. She would have black eyes, broken arms. I couldn't understand why she stayed.  My man said she had no where else to go. She ended up getting a new pimp.

There was the transvestite that lived at the other end of the hall.  She was short and dark skin. She use to walk up and down the hall cussing in Spanish.  Back then they use to give out samples on the street, cigarettes, candy, L. Ron Hubbard's books.  Well one day this transvestite knocked on my door and asked me if I wanted some sanitary napkins she got on the street. She said she was finished with her period.

Another character was Sue and her man Slick.  She was stereotypical trailer trash.  Blond, blue eyes drug addict and Slicks bottom bitch, if he had any other woman.  Slick was stereotypical pimp.  The wide hat colorful clothes, platform shoes and a black country boy.  He didn't talk to me, but talk to Mr. 23 about his "bitches" all the time.  Sue had a daughter that was being taken care of by her sister.  She wanted to be my girlfriend.  She use to come and sit with me and the kids during the day watching the soap operas.  I would cook on hot plates and we talked about food.  I would put her hair in rollers and help her get ready to go out and work.

There was a pimp that had a real stable of about 6 girls, one had a son.  Named Pimp, Pimp was about 4.  When his mother got busted Sue was to taking care of him.  At night they use to ask me to take care of Pimp.  I stopped when he was playing with my kids and told my son, that his sister was the hoe and told her to go and make his money.

Then there was Sandy, she was a man, a big man. Puerto Rican, pretty.  She use to show me her new clothes, shoes and look out for me.  She wouldn't let anyone in the building fuck with me.  My kids knew who the men were, that dressed like women. We told them they were homo's.  Sandy use to prostitute, sometimes her johns use to try to rob her. Boy did they get a surprise when she would kick their ass all up and down the hall then take their money.  We had a potty in the room so we wouldn't go when working hours began until the morning when all the johns were leaving. 

One night there was a fire.  Sandy knocked on the door and told me to get the kids out of there.  I put my sons' coat on and had him wait, I was putting my daughter coat on when Sandy came in and said hurry up and snatch my son up. My son yelled, "The homos' got me!!" Sandy paid no attention, just took him and put him in the elevator and wouldn't let them move the elevator until me and my daughter got there.  By the time the fire department came Sandy and my man put the fire out.  Sandy and I stayed cool.  She introduced me to her daughter.  I was confused, my man explained that his daughter was a guy, that she turned out in jail.  Now talking about cute, he/she was gorgeous, you would never know she had a penis.

That was the beginning of our life together.  We stayed in hotels in NYC for a year and a half then we moved to a motel in Asbury Park, NJ.  His bother and earth lived there also.  There was a pool and a private bath.  In the city the bathrooms were outside the room.  Mr. 23s' brothers' earth taught me how to buy pork free food and products like soap, toothpaste and such.  I was cool, she was cool, the kids and our men were cool.  Only thing is Mr. 23 and his brother could only get along for a short time before they were ready to kill each other. From there we moved in to one of his friends' apartment in the projects.  To be continued.

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Embrace today.