Another choice I made I made.

I had a pretty good night sleep last night got up at 6am, I went to bed about 8:30 pm.  I got a few times for the bathroom but went right back to sleep. I cheated I took 1.5mg of lorazapam.  Doctors don't want me to take it because of something it does to my lungs, but I need sleep. This lack of sleep is messing with my usual cheerful self.  Making me negative, it's raining out side but there's sunshine in my soul.  God has blessed me with another day and allowed me to rise out the bed.  He gave me the talent to write and the time to do so.  I want to get back into going with the flow.  I've never been spoiled so why do I think I should be now.  I'm thankful for what life has for me today, has giving me in the past and for all the days I pray will follow.

I lived my life, made my choices and this is the day I have. I had fun even though I write mostly about the sadness. I guess that's because that's what I remember.

I met my oldest daughter father when I was living upstate.  We met on the street I think, up in Oneonta there weren't that many black people on the streets back in the late 70s', so we tended to greet each other even if we didn't know each other.  We went to the bar which was like a disco, they had a smoke and bubble machine.  We danced to the music of Prince, Sylvester, Chic and the Gap band.  We smoked refeer and drank all the liquor we could before 11 pm when the open bar closed, after the drinks cost a $1 I think.  It was a college town everyone was parting.  When the place was closing I asked him if he had Donna Sumers' new song, Last Dance and he said he did.  I got to his apartment where he had creates full of albums, but no Donna Summers, he came  and kissed me and asked me if that's what I wanted, Uh yea, but I did want to hear Donna sing the last dance.  He didn't have the album,  we did ended up having some good sex. I had him open, he would lie and say I didn't.  He was always afraid to express his feelings.  He was another selfish person in my life. All about him, more so today then ever.

Yes I had my son and he treated him like his own.  We played house.  I would cook, clean and have dinner waiting when he came in.  I mean I baked cookies, cakes and even bread.  We entertained the college students.  We always had gallons of liquor and reefer.  We would have peole over and play cards all night parting.

We read Penthouse and would act out the fantasies we read.  He had an interview in Albany.  We went to the top of the states building steps and had sex behind one of those huge pillars. The building was closed, but you never knew who may have been looking. I remember us trying to hurry up because people were coming up the steps.

I took the bike to go on a beer run.  These kids outside the store asked me to buy beer for them.  I did and the shop keeper came out and held me until the police came. I got arrested and when he came he told me good for me.  The judge gave me a $200 fine or 2 weeks in jail. 200 DOLLARS! my rent was $150 a month and we were barely making that.  I had good friends back then, we all pulled that money together.

We moved into this apartment that was half a house.  There was this lady that rode around the neighborhood on a bike, we called her the doll lady.  She dressed like Raggedy Ann and wore her make up with round red checks and lipstick that made a smile. She wore her hair in two pony tails and a bonnet on top.  She was our neighbor.  She was nice, so were her parents.  $200 a month for 2 bedrooms, living room, kitchen, breakfast nook, open front porch and a enclosed back porch and the basement.  Nice apartment.  The bathtub faced a window that opened to the sky, I use to love to lay in the tub and watch the sky, it was the east window so I didn't get to see the sunrise which would of made it perfect. I didn't have time for morning baths. We use to go for walks in the woods searching for deers.  A skunk once let his smell off on the side of the house.  Bats use to fly over head, raccoons use to come to the back porch to look for food. There was a Dodge dealer across the street from us.  Sometimes we would get in the cars and look at them.  The keys were under the mats.  If were were thieves we would of made plenty of money. Living up there was nice, peaceful.  But of course for me it wasn't enough.

When I went into labor with our daughter he got me to the hospital but didn't seem too interested.  It was too early, you see we were packing to move and I lifted a box, which probably induced the labor.  The doctor wanted to slow the labor and he gave me an intervenous of pure Vodka. I was drunk in seconds.  The nurses smiled and said the doctor sometimes turns his patients upside down to slow the labor.  Some years later I read that, that doctor was sued for malpractice.  No one ever believes me when I tell this story.  The father he sat at the foot of the bed and just looked between my legs, where I was propped up on a bed pan cause my daughter was laying on my bladder and pushing all the water out of me.  When it was time to deliver he just sat there, he didn't hold my hand, comfort me or nothing. My feelings changing for him.

I don't remember what happen but we moved back to New York in my mothers house.  We were arguing all the time. He didn't want to hear anything I had to say so we broke up.  He came and got his dauhgter a few time but after a while that was it.  He din't see her again until 8 years ago when she was 22.  He's now living with ere and helping her with the kids.  he's still the same person he was when I first met him.

Next will be Mr. 23 years.