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My family

Embrace Today By: K. Wilhelmina Floria

Tears of happiness shall fall,
listen close for your destination call.

A river of tranquility flows through life.

Ride out the eye of the storm, pass the strife.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

When love was innocent, sorta.

It is 2:30 am and I am up and out of bed. Yes I'm tired, but can't sleep.  That damn anxiety, I have to go get my medication today, Access-A-Ride will be picking me up at 6:11 am.  I don't want to over sleep.  My mind is busy. I'm going to run out of my blood pressure medication before my doctors' appointment with the new doctors. I have 3 options,  one see if the doctor I choose would reschedule for an earlier date, 2 get new prescriptions from my current doctor and fill them at Walmart, final option find another doctor that will be able to give me an earlier appointment.  Or just do with out the medication until I get to the appointment.  5days. That would be suicide huh? Whatever I do I can't do it at 2:42 am.

My head hurts around my eyes. Not really anything to cry about it has hurt worst.

Another thing that's got my mind racing is waiting to find out if my daughter is going to need me to help her on Friday. I told her I would pick the kids up. I knew I would do it the minute she asked.  I was going to try and be selfish and think about myself.  But it'll be good for me to get out and the kids will be happy to see gramma, I just love to hear them call me gramma.  I melt, especially with that granddaughter of mine, she is a character.  The last time I was over there, I over did and was so tired I lost all patience.  She was jumping on a friend of daughters' futon, (my daughter was holding it like it was in her apartment as storage). So I called my granddaughter to the kitchen, she knew why I was calling her.  She came to the kitchen, I'm ready to yell and she say, "yes sweet gramme, is there something I can help you with?" Come on what am I suppose to do?

In any instance what can I do at 2:46 am.  Nothing. I will have to push myself all day.  Give cause for my mate to call me lazy, because I surely won't be of any good. In fact if she hears me up she'll call me back to bed and I will toss and turn. Remember I'm a guest and have no rights.  I'll be okay after I take a shower.

Another thing that's going threw my mind is the holiday club money.  It didn't come in the mail yesterday, I was hoping it would so I could stop at the bank and deposit it.  It'll probably be here this afternoon. I'm also waiting for the bill for my medical records, probably get here today also.  So this means another trip out.  if the check comes today I'll go back out to deposit it.

I think I'm going to share a happier time this morning.  My mother sent me to live with my aunt and uncle in New Jersey, since I didn't go to school while in NY.  The second year I was there I met my sons' father. I was 16.  Back then I had an afro, red of course.  I use to go to my uncles' barber shop to get it shaped up.  I was walking home and this guy from the basketball team was walking toward me. I don't remember what he asked but he came to see me and on the first visit I preformed oral sex on him in the backyard in the screen house.  We were drinking and smoking refeer. When he left he went somewhere else and continued to drink. He passed out somewhere and I found out that he was in the hospital.  My uncle took me to visit him.  My sons' father was impressed that I hardly knew him but came to visit him when no one else did.  He told me he had planned to have sex with me and forget about me.  But that visit to the hospital change his mind.  He said I was a caring person and wanted to get to know me better. So started our relationship.  We use to sit in my aunts house in the living room watching TV every night.  His friends were mad at him because he didn't hang out with them anymore.  We had sex all over, usually in the shed in the back yard with me bent over the washing machine. Once on the back steps going to the roof of the high school.  We had to pass these kids sitting on the steps getting high.  I wonder if they peaked.  We use to go to his mothers' house and have sex in his bedroom.  He use to sneak her car and come pick me up. 

Now this is crazy and shows that I didn't care. One night he knocked on the window, I let him in and we had sex in my room that I shared with my sister and little cousin. Sick right, well we would be under the cover.  My uncle knew this but could never catch us.  He use to move the ladder around so my boyfriend had a hard time finding it in the dark. My uncle couldn't say anything, because not only were we getting high together, but I knew about his girlfriend he was seeing. I kept quiet. Before his girl friend he use to take me to the movies and feel all over me.  I even had sex with him.  He was cool, I thought back then. He was my uncle by marriage.  I didn't think anything was wrong with it.  I didn't like it and I wasn't happy what he was doing to my aunt but the means justified the end.  I wanted his back up when I went to my boyfriends house.  He even covered when I would say I was spending the night at my girlfriends' to be with him. He supported my refeer habit.  Even though my aunt didn't mind me smoking refeer or drinking.  In fact she would buy me beer and wine. I didn't have a problem with him at all. He was the closest thing I had to a father and I loved him till he died.  I'm sorry to his daughters who are reading this.

I remember having sex with my boyfriend in the woods on this off white blanket, with red roses.  Now he was going in and out of jail.  But I paid no attention to that.  I got pregnant and I'm sure it happened when we were in the woods.  I went back home to  my mothers' for the summer.  Her friends' son came to see me and I told him I was pregnant I was less then 3 months.  He offered to pay for me to have an abortion.  I refused, I was in love with my babys' daddy.  I was so stupid, I had a crash on this boy since I first met him.  He was the first to touch me. It was my chance to have him. I didn't know that man was going places.  At the time he wasn't any different then anyone else on the streets he was selling drugs, not even real drugs. 

My son's father came to NY to visit me for a week.  My mother wouldn't let him near my room and when we went to my brothers to spend the night he wouldn't let us sleep together.  Little did they know I was already pregnant.  After he left we had that  black out in the summer of 1977.  I was reading Alex Haley's Roots by candle light.   By the end of the summer my mother realized I was pregnant. My wanted me to have an abortion, I told the father and he told me to do it and to come on back to Jersey. I was almost 4 months pregnant and they were going to have to induce the labor.  On the morning of the abortion I saw my sons' hand move across my stomach.  I  couldn't do it, when my mother saw me laying across the bed she told me to hurry up.  I told her I couldn't do it and as if on clue my son moved his hand across my bell. She told me to get out.  I called the father and he said he was coming to get me.  I waited in the Port Authority all that day.  Having no place to go I, when he didn't show up, I  went back home. I didn't know if my mom was going to let me in or not.  But she did and fed me a plate of beef stew over rice.  3 months later I gave birth to my son he was premature and had surgery.  His father was in jail. My son became my mothers heart.

My sons' father said his sister told him not to come because my mother might put him in jail. I was calling him and he wasn't answering my calls.  When he finally called he was in jail.  I didn't know he was doing heroin.
When I took his son to meet his mother, she screamed he was the spitting image of her son.  She pulled out a blanket for my son to lay on.  It so happen to be off white with red roses. That was an omen to me. The blanket we used he left in the woods.

 When he got out I had my daughter and we made plans to get together and live as a family.  We spent the night in a motel and the next a night at his mothers' house.  This was the last time I saw him.

I guess this really wasn't too much of a happy story.  I told what happen to our relationship.  I didn't tell how we were inseparable in school. How we walked home hand in hand in a flash raining storm and got home soaking wet. One night we hitched hiked from his house with this couple that was a bit crazy, and after they dropped us off a pack of dogs were barking at us.  he put me behind him and was ready to fight these dogs, do you believe these dogs back off. He beat this poor kid up so bad for touching me.  I feel bad about that today. I didn't tell about the movies we went to, the Steel Pier in Atlantic City. We were going to go to the prom but he didn't think I wanted to go, yet didn't ask.  he found out the day of the prom and said his mother would of paid for us to go.

He went to jail for 25 to life. I think he's up for parole soon.  He was the love of my life and I use to wonder what our life would of been like.  But that's that shoulda', woulda' coulda' shit.  My life is what it was. I do remember the time we spent hugged up watching TV together, when dreams could come true. I can't help but think no one ever loved me as much as I loved them.  I keep singing that song.


  1. Waiting on the Lord, Hoping in the Lord
    I will wait on the LORD…and I will hope in Him…strong>Wait on the LORD; Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the LORD!…Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart, All you who hope in the LORD. (Isaiah 8:17; Psalm 27:14; and 31:24)

    Living by waiting on the Lord offers a helpful perspective on living by grace. Waiting on the Lord is the same spiritual reality as hoping in the Lord. "I will wait on the LORD…and I will hope in Him." Waiting on the Lord is not merely about waiting (that is, allowing time to pass).

    Rather, it is about humbly placing our hope and expectations in the Lord God as time is passing. This is what living by grace comprises (looking to the Lord to work on our behalf and within our hearts).

    Waiting on the Lord (hoping in the Lord) is appropriate for every area of our lives.

    Furthermore, wondrous consequences result from hoping in our God. "Wait on the LORD; Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the LORD!…Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart, All you who hope in the LORD." When we place our hope in the Lord (waiting for Him to work in our lives and circumstances), He brings us spiritual courage and spiritual strength within our inner man.

    Those who wait on the Lord have a distinctively different destiny than the wicked, than the evildoers. "For evildoers shall be cut off; But those who wait on the LORD, They shall inherit the earth…Wait on the LORD, And keep His way, And He shall exalt you to inherit the land; When the wicked are cut off, you shall see it" (Psalm 37:9, 34). Evildoers (the wicked, who have no interest in the way of salvation) end up "cut off." In attempting to develop their personal earthly kingdoms, they lose everything. They think they can take over a portion of this world, which belongs to our Creator God. Instead, they lose it all. They are cut off forever from their achievements, as well as from the God who made them. On the other hand, those who hope in the Lord inherit all of creation, as well as an eternal relationship with their Creator Redeemer.

    Truly, "The LORD is good to those who wait for Him" (Lamentations 3:25). Therefore, let us "hope in the LORD; For with the LORD there is mercy, and with Him is abundant redemption" (Psalm 130:7). Yes, let us "hope in the LORD from this time forth and forever" (Psalm 131:3).

    My Creator Redeemer, I want to live all my days waiting on You, hoping in You. What growing expectations You give me as I hope in You. I anticipate courage, inner strength, Your abundant goodness, an eternal inheritance, and (above all) an everlasting relationship with You. Praise Your name!

  2. You are do have a happy ending to this story! You are a survivor and here to write your blog!

  3. Kudos to you for opening up to share with us. I felt I was right there with you.
    God Bless you Lupus Sister!


Embrace today.