My Lifes' Not So Lonely Today.

I couldn't stay away.  I was overwhelmed when I saw how many people viewed my blog yesterday. And the comments, I am really touched.  I am happy that someone is listening and that my writing feelings and experience is helping others to feel less alone.

I went to bed last night about 7:30pm, watched Wheel of Forutant and tired to watch this new show that came on, Lupus fog can't remember the name of it. It was pretty good what I saw of it, I kept dozing off.  Law and Order came on next, always a law and Order on, but this was a new one, a 2 hour premiere.  I don't remember seeing the beginning, but I do remember we had a rain storm and it knocked the satellite out.  the next time I woke up my mate came in. I think I mumbled something to her and didn't wake up again until 2 am to go to the bathroom. That was some good sleeping, I didn't wake up again until about 6 am.   I got out the bed at 7 am but didn't take my cellcept until 7:30 I take all my pills at one time (200mg) doc told me it works best on an empty stomach, I don't do too well when I have to stop eating for 4 hours, 2 before and 2 after taking it so I take them at one time.  I'm not consistent because if I can sleep I'm going to sleep, I'm not waking up to take medication. These drugs rule my life as it is. I'm thinking about reducing my Medrol down to 10mg.  I was doing good when I got down to 6mg, I flared at 4mg so I'm considering.  My last doc, wonderful lady, pushed me back up to this damn 12 mg and the starvation returned. I won't see the Rheumy until 10/14, and he probably won't reduce the medrol until he gets the results of bed works. Maybe the pulmonary or medical doctor can share the results of their lab works.  I'll ask if I remember.

I felt good this morning.  I had the headache, it didn't linger too long.  I checked my email, blog, FB and did some work on my family news letter.  I want to finish before October.  It doesn't take long, and my family does appreciates it.  I started calling my cousins to get information from them after breakfast.  I had egg salad and sausages.  I need to get to the store for some Kashi Go Lean, love that stuff.  It's filling, full of fiber and I don't feel guilty after I eat it.

I was going to pull out the laptop and write my blog, but my mate put a Netflix in the DVD player.  I took the opportunity to spend time with her since she rarely has time for me. My life is lonely, anytime anybody gives me attention, I stop what I'm doing quick fast and in a hurry in case they change their mind.  I worked on my hospital blanket, hope I won't need it anytime soon.  You see last year I was hospitalized with pneumonia and they didn't have any blankets, they gave me an extra sheet. I was cold, can you imagine.  I didn't have insurance, so I guess those with insurance got the blankets. I really don't believe that, but it could be true.  I had my big robe but I couldn't get comfortable with it. It didn't cover me all up.  So I made a hospital blanket just in case.  It's all different shades of pinks and purples, I can't wait to use it but I don't want to go in the hospital. Anyway it's almost finished, I'm adding the last spool of pink and I'm going to put on row of black on it as a border.

Tonight I plan to take a shower around 7:30 pm and be in bed by 8pm.  Greys' Anatomy is coming on.  I love this show.  Crazy right?  Why would I enjoy a show with people having surgeries.  I like the camaraderie of the cast.  It helps me believe the doctors are human, these interns and residents are running around learning, unsure of themselves, yet confident in their medical knowledge.  They have relationship issues, I mean I know these people personally.  This past summer I rented the dvds' from beginning to end, because I only just started watching at the end of 2008. So I can't wait to see the premiere tonight.

I watched an episode of Greys' this afternoon and this young woman was dying of cancer and she was tired of the pain and suffering and asked the doctors to assist with suicide.  One doctor and her husband couldn't understand.  Sometimes I do feel like dying, but I don't want to die.  I'm lonely a lot, sad, depressed if you must, and mad. Mad because I had plans when I reached my middle age.  (I was doing pretty good financially, I still had to work. But I could buy clothes for me, not for my children, but nice stuff for myself, designer clothes and not Payless shoes.) I was hanging out with my mate at a bar, socializing, flirting with the men that wanted me. I was having fun.  I was about to live for me, doing what I want when I wanted to. Then this fucking lupus came and stole my future.  I'm mad, so steaming mad.  But that doesn't make me want to throw the towel in and take all the potassium and larazopam I have in here and go to sleep for ever.

I believed my brother killed himself. hew as 39 when he died. He had MS and was a Vietam vet, he was a mans' man. The MS was taking over his body and he knew he would need someone to take care of him. Not something he would want. I think he stopped taking his blood pressure medication and stroked. His BP was so high EMS couldn't read it. His brain hemorrhaged he bled from him eyes, nose, and mouth. He went into a coma and died a week later. My mother, she had lupus, I didn't know what she was going through at the time, God I wish I knew.  She died in 1993 before all the information that we have available was out there.  I was a member of the American Lupus Foundation but they just solicited for money, they didn't tell us what lupus was or what my mother was feeling.  Her bad heart forced the doctors to retire her.  She was unmarried, no boyfriend.  She had friends, she was active in her church, but it wasn't enough.  She attempted suicide when I was a teenager. I believe this time she had succeeded, she had a heart attack before, she had nitroglycerin. She had to know she was having a heart attack.

These thoughts are always in the back of my mind when those thoughts of suicide come to mind.  I read books that aren't that great but I continue to the end because I want to know how it ends.  I want to know how my children turn out.  I want to know what's going to happen next.  Right now the only pain, and trust me it's enough, is in my chest.  And the vanity pain of being over 300 hundred pounds.  But I'm not ready to meet God up close and personally.   I'll keep living this life no matter how bad it gets.  There is always tomorrow, and that's when I'll write some more. Stay well.