Total Pageviews

My family

Embrace Today By: K. Wilhelmina Floria

Tears of happiness shall fall,
listen close for your destination call.

A river of tranquility flows through life.

Ride out the eye of the storm, pass the strife.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Meltdown day and rambiling

I was sleeping so good this morning.  My c-pap machine wasn't on my nose correctly and my mate woke me up to have me check if I had water in it.  I had waster and explained to her if air escapes it whistles.  I went back to sleep and the phone rings, her mother calls to say Access-A-Ride is outside (the bus that takes me door to door for $2.50 each ride.  It's for persons with disabilities.) I schedule an appointment for tomorrow at 6:11am.  I go upstairs to tell the driver it's the wrong day.  Man you know how hard it is for me to sleep.  I went to bed after midnight, I was having a good snooze.  I didn't even get up to go to the bathroom until I got up to tell the bus to go. Of course at 7 am I can't get back to sleep and the tossing and turning starts.

No headache, maybe cause I had one last night.  I took my Claritan and Nasonex.  I had a thumping headache, I guess it's because I was sleep, until my mate came in and she woke me up.  She doesn't care, she has no problem sleeping.  I tip toe around in the morning so I won't wake her.  I wait to brush my teeth and wash my face, unless I have to go out. But her, she turns on lights, and makes noise.  I think I said it before, it's her world and I'm just a guest.  Well anyway, I took an Aleve.  I think that help me have that good sleep.  I only wish I could of gotten 8 hours out of it.

My back is hurting in the chest area and I also had a pain in the front of my chest on my left side. They are dull pains and hopefully will pass.

My oldest daughter called last night.  She says she realized she hasn't spoken to me in a couple of days.  She has the kids in one of the best schools in Brooklyn, she has someone to take them to the after school program everyday except on Fridays. She asked if I could take Access-A-Ride to the school pick them up, then take a cab to her house. I really don't and told her I would think about it. I love my grand babies and would love to see them.  But I don't like having to be responsible every week.  I don't want her to have to change their schools.  I know I'm going to do it though. Well after she asked me about helping her on Fridays' her break was over.

We didn't go out yesterday. My mates' friend had a problem with her car so I was dressed and ready to go no where. Oh well. I did have a melt down yesterday.  I need a perm in my hair, usually I do it myself, but it's tiresome. Putting the perm in, let it sit, then bending over the sink to rinse it out, that's the problem.  It takes several washings to rinse out the perm.  Then add the conditioner, wait, then rinse. But still not finished, I should blow dry it, that's too much so I comb it out and wrap it wet then tie it up.  When it finally dries I grease it.  It was a lot of work when I was healthy now it's just too much. I can't afford to have it permed outside. It itches bad.  So cried because my hair is getting thick, which it has always been.  When I got sick it started thinning, so why the hell am I crying. Because it looks dead, dry and listless and there is nothing I can do about it.  I'm crying now because the Access-A-Ride situation is stressing me, my hair is stressing me, my having to go to the clinic tomorrow to get my meds is stressing me.  I'm worried about having enough meds to hold me over until I see the doctors next month.  On top of that, I had a holiday club account that matured yesterday and they were suppose to transfer my money in my checking account and they didn't. They said it was set up to mail me a check.  I counted on that money to pay for my meds, and for the medical records I ordered.  I'm stressed because I know my Fridays are going to be obligated again.  It's days like this that make me want to go crawl back to bed and sleep, But FUCK!  I can't sleep.

I remember being happy once, I just can't remember when that was.  I spent most of my life being sad and disappointed.  I put so much trust in other people to make me happy that I neglect to make myself happy.  I spend so much of my time trying to make everyone around me happy, I expect them to want to t do the same for me.  When that doesn't happen I get sad because the people I put my faith in disappointment.  When I was healthy I would go out find someone to flirt with and have an affair.  New people open doors for new opportunities for happiness.  But all it ever was, were moments of satisfaction.  Hell those encounters always just led to sex.  Good sex,  I was told my stuff would bite, but none the less it was just lustful satisfaction. I had so much sex in my life I have no idea how may people I let screw me, mentally and physically.  As tired and sick as I am I still crave sex.  Is that crazy?  I know that won't make me happy, I want more.

What the hell do I want?  I want someone to want me.  To want to make me happy.  I never learned how to make myself happy.  I don't think I deserve to be happy.  Mr. 23 years, even though he couldn't provide like I wanted and needed him to.  He spoiled me, there was no question of his love for me.  He would bring me little gifts home, flowers.  He knew I loved good chocolate and sweets, and he would surprise me with them when he was doing good.  He would fix me breakfast in bed, run me bath water.  He thought of me first, I came first when he wasn't chasing drugs that is. 

The mate I have now,  is a good person, but lacks the spoiling thing I crave.  She tells me to be thankful, which I am.  But you know how, when you first meet someone they do everything to seduce you.  Then when they have you they take you for granted and don't do those little things for you.  That's her.  She sold me dreams too.  Talking about taking me on a cruise, taking me to see plays and doing things.  I got a passport so I would be prepared.  It's just for ID I ain't been no where and I probably never will, now that I'm sick.  When we got together she gave me surprise gifts, now she buys me gifts but I pick it out and she pays for it.  I'm not worth her time to go and get me something special.  She use to say she likes flowers, the way they smell.  I never get flowers from her, she says it's a waste of money.  Just once I wish would let me know she was thinking about me with a surprise.  She'll bring home a tee shirt or jacket the guys in the bar would sell but it's not like she went out specially to get me a gift.  I guess I sound ungrateful and selfish.  Like I said I think about her, well use to when my money was better.  I took her to plays, on a boat trip and brought her gifts and surprised her.  Let me just stop, I'm not special to anyone but me so I need to just let all these thoughts go and find a way to make me happy.  I hope I get over this weepy morning of self pity and end up having a good day.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Embrace today.