My family
Monday, January 10, 2011
Me Verse Lupus: Considering Suicide or not
Me Verse Lupus: Considering Suicide or not: "It was a little rough this weekend. I was feeling down again. I'm not complaining because this is the fate that God saw fit to give me so I ..."
Considering Suicide or not
It was a little rough this weekend. I was feeling down again. I'm not complaining because this is the fate that God saw fit to give me so I accept it, but can't stop being human about it and occasionally cry about. I had a wonderful time with my daughters and their children, good food and a delicious cake to slip on my diet for. My son called from the rehab. Of course he has a list of things he wants. He complained that the food is jail food. I want to help him but I'm stressed because I don't have any extra money this month. I went with out medication for a few days because I couldn't afford the co pay. I have my steroids and Cellcept which are the important meds, oh and I have the Revatio. I'm a proud woman and don't like to ask for help. I'm trying to figure out which doctors I should see because I can't see all that I need to see. I have two appointments this month, or should I say before my next SSD check. I need to see the eye doctor and the Hematologist, I don't know which is more important.
My daughter told me about her selfish father not Mr. 23 years this time, the other one. He was getting paid to babysit the grand kids. My daughter changed their school because he couldn't do it anymore. They are in an after school program and my daughter picks them up. He is still getting a check for babysitting. He stays on the computer all day long and doesn't assist my daughter with the cable or electric bill. He brought a new Mac computer with a I think, a 32 inch screen. I want to say something so bad. I raised his daughter and didn't get any financial assistance from him the least he could do is help his daughter, she gave him a place to stay for 2 years now. Should I mind my business or open my mouth? I know nobody is going to make any suggestions, but I sure could use some.
I was in the bed all day Sunday. I was so tired, I slept most of the day and I was able to sleep all night. While laying in bed I was thinking about my brother and mother. My brother had MS, he was a Vietnam vet that was shot and disabled from service. He went to St. Johns' University and got a degree in sports management, but was never able to utilize it because he became totally disabled. Just before thanksgiving in 1987 he got sick, diarrhea, he wasn't eating and stayed in bed. I don't know why we didn't call the ambulance for him. I guess because my brother was good at putting on a front. I remember he had a bad tooth once and he took the pliers and pulled it out. He was blind in one eye and the MS would make him lose balance and fall often. He tried not to show any weakness to us, so we never knew how sick he was. We didn't know he had MS until he went to the ER after this ailment. My mother came home from a dinner and found him in bed bleeding from his eyes, nose, mouth and ears. His blood pressure was so high they couldn't read it on the pressure machine they had. He went into a coma and died a week later. When we cleaned his room he had tons of blood pressure medication. I believed he committed suicide.
My mother had lupus for about 12 years. Shortly after she was diagnosed she took pain killers and washed them down with vodka. My sister witnessed it and was able to call 911 and save her. Years later she had a heart attack, recovered went back to work. When she had a second heart attack she was forced to retire. She did somethings that were strange now that I look back on it. She was getting her full pay check for almost 2 years. She worked for the city of NY, she had sick time banked and annual time banked so she had to exhaust all of that. Then her Social Security and pension kicked in. She moved my grandmother out of her apartment and sold the piano my mother had since she was a kid. It was Mr. 23 years birthday, I was in the habit of talking to my mother the every night. She told me she went to the doctor that day and she wasn't feeling too well that she thought it was her gallstones. Being that it was Mr. 23s' birthday and my car only went 30 mph I decided to stop by on my way to work in the morning. In the morning I was running late. I went straight to work. I had to start on something as soon as I walked in, the receptionist called and told me my mothers' neighbor was on the phone. I went to my mothers' the ambulance was still there. They told me that my mother died. My grand mother said my mother was worried about her friend that had throat cancer and didn't mention how she was feeling at all. My mother took the garbage out that morning and told the neighbor she had no time to talk and to leave her alone she didn't feel good. That isn't my mother, she was always thoughtful of other peoples' feelings, she passed that trait on to me. My grand mother said she came back in and went to bed. My grandmother checked on my mother, her teeth were on the floor across the room and she didn't look right. Gran couldn't dial the phone so she went to the front door to see if she could find someone to help. Mom knew she was sick from the night before. She had nitroglycerin pills, she had baby aspirin, she had 2 heart attacks before this one. To further prove my point that she committed suicide she wrote a note to me, my brother and sister. Telling us everything would be alright and God bless us. When we cleaned her room there were so many bottles of empty vodka all over the place.
I tell these stories because I worry about myself. Will my illness depress me to the point where I want to give up. Will I too ignore the signs of something being seriously wrong and not seek help. I have drugs that I can take that could kill me. Will I one day decide to take all the lorazapam I have left. I have potassium chloride that I take daily, what would an over dose of that do? What about the revatio? Or maybe I can just stop taking my pressure medication. Yes I've thought about it. I wonder if anyone would really care, will it be a blessing that I'm gone. Will I be missed by anyone besides my son? Do I really want to die now? No I don't I want to see my grand kids grow up and be there to help them through life. However I want to know what my purpose is, do I have one? I want to write, I've always loved to write but I can't stay focused, I can't think of words I once used everyday. I'm worried about my getting the medication that keeps me going. I feel isolated sometimes like I'm totally alone in this world. I get on the computer and go to the social networks my support group and still I feel alone. I have no where to go except to the doctors. My girls don't have much to say to me, so I don't bother them. I call my family, a few call me but all in all I feel alone and I know it's all in my head. My mate is always going to the bar and doing her thing. She says she'll take me here or we'll do this but never do, just empty promises. I can't go anywhere because I can't afford to buy my meds, so how can I afford anything else. I know I must be rambling on and on. This blog is the only place I have to speak my my mind or thoughts. When I talk to friends and family they tell me about their lives, I know they don't want to hear the way I feel so I just say, I'm okay. I don't want to die today, but what about tomorrow? Will I become so sad that I just give up? I believe that life is like book, you don't know what adventures will happen on the next page. I'm one of those readers that will keep reading a bad book just to find out what happens. I think of my life like that, no matter how bad it is I'll keep going to see what happens the next day.
My daughter told me about her selfish father not Mr. 23 years this time, the other one. He was getting paid to babysit the grand kids. My daughter changed their school because he couldn't do it anymore. They are in an after school program and my daughter picks them up. He is still getting a check for babysitting. He stays on the computer all day long and doesn't assist my daughter with the cable or electric bill. He brought a new Mac computer with a I think, a 32 inch screen. I want to say something so bad. I raised his daughter and didn't get any financial assistance from him the least he could do is help his daughter, she gave him a place to stay for 2 years now. Should I mind my business or open my mouth? I know nobody is going to make any suggestions, but I sure could use some.
I was in the bed all day Sunday. I was so tired, I slept most of the day and I was able to sleep all night. While laying in bed I was thinking about my brother and mother. My brother had MS, he was a Vietnam vet that was shot and disabled from service. He went to St. Johns' University and got a degree in sports management, but was never able to utilize it because he became totally disabled. Just before thanksgiving in 1987 he got sick, diarrhea, he wasn't eating and stayed in bed. I don't know why we didn't call the ambulance for him. I guess because my brother was good at putting on a front. I remember he had a bad tooth once and he took the pliers and pulled it out. He was blind in one eye and the MS would make him lose balance and fall often. He tried not to show any weakness to us, so we never knew how sick he was. We didn't know he had MS until he went to the ER after this ailment. My mother came home from a dinner and found him in bed bleeding from his eyes, nose, mouth and ears. His blood pressure was so high they couldn't read it on the pressure machine they had. He went into a coma and died a week later. When we cleaned his room he had tons of blood pressure medication. I believed he committed suicide.
My mother had lupus for about 12 years. Shortly after she was diagnosed she took pain killers and washed them down with vodka. My sister witnessed it and was able to call 911 and save her. Years later she had a heart attack, recovered went back to work. When she had a second heart attack she was forced to retire. She did somethings that were strange now that I look back on it. She was getting her full pay check for almost 2 years. She worked for the city of NY, she had sick time banked and annual time banked so she had to exhaust all of that. Then her Social Security and pension kicked in. She moved my grandmother out of her apartment and sold the piano my mother had since she was a kid. It was Mr. 23 years birthday, I was in the habit of talking to my mother the every night. She told me she went to the doctor that day and she wasn't feeling too well that she thought it was her gallstones. Being that it was Mr. 23s' birthday and my car only went 30 mph I decided to stop by on my way to work in the morning. In the morning I was running late. I went straight to work. I had to start on something as soon as I walked in, the receptionist called and told me my mothers' neighbor was on the phone. I went to my mothers' the ambulance was still there. They told me that my mother died. My grand mother said my mother was worried about her friend that had throat cancer and didn't mention how she was feeling at all. My mother took the garbage out that morning and told the neighbor she had no time to talk and to leave her alone she didn't feel good. That isn't my mother, she was always thoughtful of other peoples' feelings, she passed that trait on to me. My grand mother said she came back in and went to bed. My grandmother checked on my mother, her teeth were on the floor across the room and she didn't look right. Gran couldn't dial the phone so she went to the front door to see if she could find someone to help. Mom knew she was sick from the night before. She had nitroglycerin pills, she had baby aspirin, she had 2 heart attacks before this one. To further prove my point that she committed suicide she wrote a note to me, my brother and sister. Telling us everything would be alright and God bless us. When we cleaned her room there were so many bottles of empty vodka all over the place.
I tell these stories because I worry about myself. Will my illness depress me to the point where I want to give up. Will I too ignore the signs of something being seriously wrong and not seek help. I have drugs that I can take that could kill me. Will I one day decide to take all the lorazapam I have left. I have potassium chloride that I take daily, what would an over dose of that do? What about the revatio? Or maybe I can just stop taking my pressure medication. Yes I've thought about it. I wonder if anyone would really care, will it be a blessing that I'm gone. Will I be missed by anyone besides my son? Do I really want to die now? No I don't I want to see my grand kids grow up and be there to help them through life. However I want to know what my purpose is, do I have one? I want to write, I've always loved to write but I can't stay focused, I can't think of words I once used everyday. I'm worried about my getting the medication that keeps me going. I feel isolated sometimes like I'm totally alone in this world. I get on the computer and go to the social networks my support group and still I feel alone. I have no where to go except to the doctors. My girls don't have much to say to me, so I don't bother them. I call my family, a few call me but all in all I feel alone and I know it's all in my head. My mate is always going to the bar and doing her thing. She says she'll take me here or we'll do this but never do, just empty promises. I can't go anywhere because I can't afford to buy my meds, so how can I afford anything else. I know I must be rambling on and on. This blog is the only place I have to speak my my mind or thoughts. When I talk to friends and family they tell me about their lives, I know they don't want to hear the way I feel so I just say, I'm okay. I don't want to die today, but what about tomorrow? Will I become so sad that I just give up? I believe that life is like book, you don't know what adventures will happen on the next page. I'm one of those readers that will keep reading a bad book just to find out what happens. I think of my life like that, no matter how bad it is I'll keep going to see what happens the next day.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Me Verse Lupus: Telling more of my story
Me Verse Lupus: Telling more of my story: "Today I'm not broken. Well at this moment I'm not, my moods are subject to change. One of the things I hate about this damn lupus is I don't..."
Me Verse Lupus: Telling more of my story
Me Verse Lupus: Telling more of my story: "Today I'm not broken. Well at this moment I'm not, my moods are subject to change. One of the things I hate about this damn lupus is I don't..."
Telling more of my story
Today I'm not broken. Well at this moment I'm not, my moods are subject to change. One of the things I hate about this damn lupus is I don't know who I'll be from day to day. I read somewhere that the steroids can make you phsycotic, maybe I'm becoming bipolar. I'm not hearing voices but the mood swings are crazy, no pun indented. I won't take any mood altering drugs though, unless they give me cocaine in a pill. The last time I took Cymbalta I was happy, so happy I didn't know how to handle it, it felt uncomfortable because I really don't know what true happiness feels like. But today I'm good.
The last thing I spoke about was the raid on the house. My stepson got seven years. His girlfriend got probation. He brought her a engagement ring, and he had $900 on a gold chain, the receipt was lost. How fucked up is that, they could spend money on jewelry but not pay rent to me. I tell you I won't help anyone any more, I was taken advantage of.
His girlfriend moved out. I still had a house full of people. My oldest daughter was working for me in my home care agency. She had a live-in case and was home only on the weekends. She had a boyfriend that was a drug dealer, gang banger. That thing about telling your children you disapprove of their relationships, could and will result in pushing them together. It's true. Neither me or Mr. 23 years like this man. He was grimy, he had no respect for anyone. I could say he was/ is a pshycopath. I was at work and something happen I don't know what, but the fool had a tech 9 I think, or some big ugly gun. Someone said something to him or disrespected my daughter and he came out and shot at a car. My neighbor was a Port Authority cop. He had his back and didn't say anything. My daughter cleaned the fingerprints off the gun. He had a bullet proof vest in the closet and the gun. Both illegal. They picked up the the shell castings, the police. They raided the house again. Everyone was let go, I didn't get locked up this time, but both my daughters, Mr. 23 and my daughters stinking man did. I just knew he was going away for a long time. He was released on a technicality.
While her boyfriend was locked up my daughter beat up this girl because she was suppose to have slept with her man. From what I understand three guys had to pull my daughter off the girl because she almost killed the girl. My daughter ran away and hid. When the police came to look for her, I told them where she was. It was a fight, she could press charges just like the girl. My daughter was so mad at me. She was locked up for three weeks and when she stood in front of the judge the first time, she was so disrespectfully and when she looked at me, man, if she could kill with eyes, I wouldn't be sitting here typing this now. They kept adjourning her hearing. Finally Mr. 23 spoke to a lawyer in the court room who was getting his clients released. He told Mr. 23 she'll be out in a couple of hours and he was true to his word. My daughter was never charged. But none the less she was acting real thug.
My daughter didn't understand that I was looking out for her interest. My step son was hiding from the police for 4 years and when they finally arrested him in the raid, the crime he was hiding from, they gave him hardly any time. He screwed up his life for something that could of gone away easily. I didn't want my daughter to do this. Today she has no record, almost has her BS and is working for the NYC Housing Authority. She has two kids by the ass hole but today she knows he's an ass hole.
My youngest daughter had a boyfriend that use to come and sit in the house just to watch her. My daughter wasn't interested in him, but he finally wore her down. He was possessive and use to beat her. One of the guys that lived in the house almost choked him after I told him how he was abusing my daughter.
This guy I'll call him K. He was a true gangster. He paid his rent to me, regularly. He was over protective of me and thought I was a good person. I use to sit up at night drinking and doing my coke, I would sit out on the front steps and just hang out. Mr. 23 was with the woman who became his wife or one of the many women he was seeing. I got K and another of Mr. 23 friends drunk. I went up to bed and left them out side. One of the guys kicked my dog. I loved my Sammy, he was the best pet I ever had. Well K almost killed the guy over my dog. Mr. 23 was out or passed out in bed, K and I would sit up at night sniffing and talking. He was a good man, but short tempered.
The artist, who was Mr. 23 friend like his brother, I mentioned him several time earlier. He's a gangster too, he was creating album covers for some of the known rappers. Again I didn't get any rent money. The artist liked to smoke PCP, now I've had angel dust, that's mint leaves soaked with PCP, dried then smoked. The way the Artist smoked it was to dip a cigarette in the liquid and then smoke it. Mr. 23 and I did this together and it was nice. It was like we were in a dream and we talked about a future that was going to be wonderful. We made love and it was nice. I liked that PCP but knew I was tripping and didn't want to get hooked on that. Mr. 23 got hooked and started smoking it everyday and it bugged him out. He was running around the street talking about buying foreclosed houses and reselling them. He was out in the street doing karate.
One day he came home and beat me with a paddle until I was black and blue on my ass. The artist came upstairs and got him to stop. After he packed up and move out to his now wife. Before that he was threatening and acting crazy. I called the police and he was taken to the hospital. The hospital called and said they were releasing him. I told them he just threatened to kill me and the doctor said he sounds normal now, call him and see. I called Mr. 23 and when he heard my voice he said, "you called the police on me, when I get out here I'm going to kill you!" I called the doctor back and the doc said they were going to keep him. This is when things started to change.
My mate just woke up and just commented about me being on the computer. She killed my good mood as usual. I will be telling my story about her soon.
The last thing I spoke about was the raid on the house. My stepson got seven years. His girlfriend got probation. He brought her a engagement ring, and he had $900 on a gold chain, the receipt was lost. How fucked up is that, they could spend money on jewelry but not pay rent to me. I tell you I won't help anyone any more, I was taken advantage of.
His girlfriend moved out. I still had a house full of people. My oldest daughter was working for me in my home care agency. She had a live-in case and was home only on the weekends. She had a boyfriend that was a drug dealer, gang banger. That thing about telling your children you disapprove of their relationships, could and will result in pushing them together. It's true. Neither me or Mr. 23 years like this man. He was grimy, he had no respect for anyone. I could say he was/ is a pshycopath. I was at work and something happen I don't know what, but the fool had a tech 9 I think, or some big ugly gun. Someone said something to him or disrespected my daughter and he came out and shot at a car. My neighbor was a Port Authority cop. He had his back and didn't say anything. My daughter cleaned the fingerprints off the gun. He had a bullet proof vest in the closet and the gun. Both illegal. They picked up the the shell castings, the police. They raided the house again. Everyone was let go, I didn't get locked up this time, but both my daughters, Mr. 23 and my daughters stinking man did. I just knew he was going away for a long time. He was released on a technicality.
While her boyfriend was locked up my daughter beat up this girl because she was suppose to have slept with her man. From what I understand three guys had to pull my daughter off the girl because she almost killed the girl. My daughter ran away and hid. When the police came to look for her, I told them where she was. It was a fight, she could press charges just like the girl. My daughter was so mad at me. She was locked up for three weeks and when she stood in front of the judge the first time, she was so disrespectfully and when she looked at me, man, if she could kill with eyes, I wouldn't be sitting here typing this now. They kept adjourning her hearing. Finally Mr. 23 spoke to a lawyer in the court room who was getting his clients released. He told Mr. 23 she'll be out in a couple of hours and he was true to his word. My daughter was never charged. But none the less she was acting real thug.
My daughter didn't understand that I was looking out for her interest. My step son was hiding from the police for 4 years and when they finally arrested him in the raid, the crime he was hiding from, they gave him hardly any time. He screwed up his life for something that could of gone away easily. I didn't want my daughter to do this. Today she has no record, almost has her BS and is working for the NYC Housing Authority. She has two kids by the ass hole but today she knows he's an ass hole.
My youngest daughter had a boyfriend that use to come and sit in the house just to watch her. My daughter wasn't interested in him, but he finally wore her down. He was possessive and use to beat her. One of the guys that lived in the house almost choked him after I told him how he was abusing my daughter.
This guy I'll call him K. He was a true gangster. He paid his rent to me, regularly. He was over protective of me and thought I was a good person. I use to sit up at night drinking and doing my coke, I would sit out on the front steps and just hang out. Mr. 23 was with the woman who became his wife or one of the many women he was seeing. I got K and another of Mr. 23 friends drunk. I went up to bed and left them out side. One of the guys kicked my dog. I loved my Sammy, he was the best pet I ever had. Well K almost killed the guy over my dog. Mr. 23 was out or passed out in bed, K and I would sit up at night sniffing and talking. He was a good man, but short tempered.
The artist, who was Mr. 23 friend like his brother, I mentioned him several time earlier. He's a gangster too, he was creating album covers for some of the known rappers. Again I didn't get any rent money. The artist liked to smoke PCP, now I've had angel dust, that's mint leaves soaked with PCP, dried then smoked. The way the Artist smoked it was to dip a cigarette in the liquid and then smoke it. Mr. 23 and I did this together and it was nice. It was like we were in a dream and we talked about a future that was going to be wonderful. We made love and it was nice. I liked that PCP but knew I was tripping and didn't want to get hooked on that. Mr. 23 got hooked and started smoking it everyday and it bugged him out. He was running around the street talking about buying foreclosed houses and reselling them. He was out in the street doing karate.
One day he came home and beat me with a paddle until I was black and blue on my ass. The artist came upstairs and got him to stop. After he packed up and move out to his now wife. Before that he was threatening and acting crazy. I called the police and he was taken to the hospital. The hospital called and said they were releasing him. I told them he just threatened to kill me and the doctor said he sounds normal now, call him and see. I called Mr. 23 and when he heard my voice he said, "you called the police on me, when I get out here I'm going to kill you!" I called the doctor back and the doc said they were going to keep him. This is when things started to change.
My mate just woke up and just commented about me being on the computer. She killed my good mood as usual. I will be telling my story about her soon.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Me Verse Lupus: Broken inside
Me Verse Lupus: Broken inside: "I've been feeling a bit depressed since the year has come in. I'm trying to get out the funk but it's just lingering on. My feelings on that..."
Broken inside
I've been feeling a bit depressed since the year has come in. I'm trying to get out the funk but it's just lingering on. My feelings on that is fuck it. I've always had me and I shouldn't care how lonely I feel because I have God and me always and that's all that matters. With that said, I lost a total of 15 pounds! I hope that by the time I go to the doctor next month I will be under 300 pounds, that's just 5 pounds away.
Yesterday I received a call from the SLE Lupus Foundation asking about the health insurance I have with the Health Care Reform Act. They gave my number to an international news station, online newspaper. They are coming to interview me today to find out how the health insurance impacted my life. The House is trying to repeal the Health Care Act. They meet on January 12th I believe. Anyway the site is Aljazeera English. I'll post the article or video if they use me.
I started working on my novel yesterday. It's hard for me to stay focused. I remember I use to have no problem writing. I use to write poems and short stories in like one, two, three. It sadness me because writing is my love and it is difficult today.
I feel so isolated and alone and the funny thing I have always felt this way. Even when I was in a room full of people. Just before I became sick I wrote the following poem. I was having difficulty breathing. I was tired all the time and I was just sad.
Yesterday I received a call from the SLE Lupus Foundation asking about the health insurance I have with the Health Care Reform Act. They gave my number to an international news station, online newspaper. They are coming to interview me today to find out how the health insurance impacted my life. The House is trying to repeal the Health Care Act. They meet on January 12th I believe. Anyway the site is Aljazeera English. I'll post the article or video if they use me.
I started working on my novel yesterday. It's hard for me to stay focused. I remember I use to have no problem writing. I use to write poems and short stories in like one, two, three. It sadness me because writing is my love and it is difficult today.
I feel so isolated and alone and the funny thing I have always felt this way. Even when I was in a room full of people. Just before I became sick I wrote the following poem. I was having difficulty breathing. I was tired all the time and I was just sad.
Broken Inside
I’m so sad,
mad.
Because?
I don’t know why,
the blues make me cry.
I am a nut without a squirrel,
alone in this world.
I need comfort and peace.
Where are the joy police?
My heart should be cold,
now that I’m old.
I know.
Love and devotion,
are false emotions.
With every breath,
there’s a longing for death.
Once I could spread my legs,
and make strong men beg.
Lust was a game,
my juice made some insane.
Now I need a pill,
not for a common thrill,
but to capture, my lost sanity
and gain some mentality.
Confused and self abused.
I’m broken inside,
At this moment, I want to die.
7/3/08
I want to tell the rest of my life story, especially since I'm almost up to date but give me a few more day.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Me Verse Lupus: My New year
Me Verse Lupus: My New year: "I'm back!! I'm feeling okay today. The rash is gone, the blister on my hand popped and it's healing, it no longer hurts. I'm bre..."
My New year
I'm back!! I'm feeling okay today. The rash is gone, the blister on my hand popped and it's healing, it no longer hurts. I'm breathing easier. I needed to use the oxygen a few times when I was sitting. I had a hard time breathing out there in the snow when I went out to get on the Access-A-Ride and got off. But I did okay yesterday when I got home. I came in ate, unpacked took a shower and got in the bed around 5 pm. I got up a few times to use the bathroom, take my evening meds but all and all I slept and slept and slept until this morning. I got out the bed at 7:50am, I got up because I needed to take my medication.
I had an interesting time with my online support group, there was an argument. Can you imagine? I'm not going to get into it, only to say I am disappointed in myself for feeding into the bull shit. I don't know how active I will be on the site after this. I joined the lupus, COPD and PH groups. The lupus group was the most welcoming. Now I have to just watch and see how it is from now on.
I went to my daughters', I was there from Wednesday until Saturday afternoon. It was peaceful but I was sad. Sad that my daughters don't share my family values, traditions or togetherness what ever it is, I don't know. My daughter didn't get a Christmas tree, she told me this but still the kids didn't show any evidence of Christmas at all. No candy canes, Christmas drawings. They got video games so there weren't any new toys around the place. They thanked me for the gifts I gave them, with money I spent that today leaves my bank account with a negative balance. I did what I could yet they tell me they wanted something else. I know they don't know better but it still hurt a bit.
My youngest daughters' son was with his father. I asked why she didn't tell me to bring him when I came on Wednesday. She says he would mess up her weekend, then tried to clean it up by saying he needed to spend time with his daddy.
On New Years Eve, my daughter brought us McDonald's for dinner. She got out the bed around 12pm. I asked if we were going to have rice and peas and vegetables and some meat. She said it's a waste of money. I got even sadder. When we were kids and when my kids were kids we always blew up balloons, we had hats, noise makers and there was a dinner cooking. When I was a kid my grandmother would have stinking chitterlings cooking, pig feet, spareribs, greens, potato salad and rice and peas. There were drinks and champagne for the new year. We would pop the balloons, toast the year and give everyone a hug and kiss. When my kids were little we did the same thing only we didn't have pork, we had beef ribs or steak, no pork.
My daughter brought little horns, and sparkling apple cider. It was just me and my two grandchildren, my daughters left and my other grandson wasn't there. I tried to make it feel like a big thing for my babies but it was sad to me.
I don't make resolutions, I'm still not putting demands on myself but I plan to work on my novels and finish them. I'm going to try and work at them like a job. I don't have any appointment until the end of the month so I will have time to write a lot. I'm praying that I can be discipline.
I had an interesting time with my online support group, there was an argument. Can you imagine? I'm not going to get into it, only to say I am disappointed in myself for feeding into the bull shit. I don't know how active I will be on the site after this. I joined the lupus, COPD and PH groups. The lupus group was the most welcoming. Now I have to just watch and see how it is from now on.
I went to my daughters', I was there from Wednesday until Saturday afternoon. It was peaceful but I was sad. Sad that my daughters don't share my family values, traditions or togetherness what ever it is, I don't know. My daughter didn't get a Christmas tree, she told me this but still the kids didn't show any evidence of Christmas at all. No candy canes, Christmas drawings. They got video games so there weren't any new toys around the place. They thanked me for the gifts I gave them, with money I spent that today leaves my bank account with a negative balance. I did what I could yet they tell me they wanted something else. I know they don't know better but it still hurt a bit.
My youngest daughters' son was with his father. I asked why she didn't tell me to bring him when I came on Wednesday. She says he would mess up her weekend, then tried to clean it up by saying he needed to spend time with his daddy.
On New Years Eve, my daughter brought us McDonald's for dinner. She got out the bed around 12pm. I asked if we were going to have rice and peas and vegetables and some meat. She said it's a waste of money. I got even sadder. When we were kids and when my kids were kids we always blew up balloons, we had hats, noise makers and there was a dinner cooking. When I was a kid my grandmother would have stinking chitterlings cooking, pig feet, spareribs, greens, potato salad and rice and peas. There were drinks and champagne for the new year. We would pop the balloons, toast the year and give everyone a hug and kiss. When my kids were little we did the same thing only we didn't have pork, we had beef ribs or steak, no pork.
My daughter brought little horns, and sparkling apple cider. It was just me and my two grandchildren, my daughters left and my other grandson wasn't there. I tried to make it feel like a big thing for my babies but it was sad to me.
I don't make resolutions, I'm still not putting demands on myself but I plan to work on my novels and finish them. I'm going to try and work at them like a job. I don't have any appointment until the end of the month so I will have time to write a lot. I'm praying that I can be discipline.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Me Verse Lupus: Ugly rashes
Me Verse Lupus: Ugly rashes: "I got on the scale today and I've lost a total of 12 pounds! I'm very happy 6 more and I will be under 300 pounds. I'm feeling better...."
Ugly rashes
I got on the scale today and I've lost a total of 12 pounds! I'm very happy 6 more and I will be under 300 pounds. I'm feeling better. Breathing is heavy and I have a heavy cough, a little phlem is coming up. My head is a bit foggy and my ears are poping but I am not going to the hospital. Last week the doctor reduced my steroids to 6mg. The next day my medical doctor put me on cipro from my UTI. I stopped taking the Acyclovir, which I was taking for cronich shingles. The new Rhuemy had reduced the dosage so I assumed I could stop taking it for a while. Now below are the rashes I'm having. Does anyone have a clue? Shingles hurt, these rashes don't hurt, don't itch much. Except the on on my hand, notice it has a big ugly blister, this hurts. And don't let me hit it, oh momma! I'll go to the doctor. Next week. I hope I can hold out that long.
Right hand
right foot
left foot
right arm
under chinI still didn't get to see my grand children yet. I was feeling sad last night and that's why, I think. Or it might be because I don't feel well. I don't know. I'm going to see them tomorrow and I may stay until after the New Year. My sister and her family are suppose to come to New York to watch the ball drop in Times Square. She's not sure if they are going to come to my daughters' or to my brothers'. I will try and clean my daughters' apartment the best I can and watch they won't come by. It would be nice though.
I will finish my life story after the holiday. This house is busy, all my mates' family is here. So next week when things quiet down and if I don't end up in the hospital I will write my story.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Me Verse Lupus: Not feeling myself
Me Verse Lupus: Not feeling myself: "Christmas is over and I never got the spirit at all. I didn't even want to write or look at my blog. I was, well I guess I still..."
Not feeling myself
Christmas is over and I never got the spirit at all. I didn't even want to write or look at my blog. I was, well I guess I still am, going through some crazy feelings. I feel like I'm out on a limb all by myself. If I move too much I'll fall. Sometimes it feels cold out on this limb and from this point I'm on the outside looking in. I will not allow myself to get depressed. I really don't feel that way anyway. I don't know, maybe it's this cold or sinuses that have me feeling out of it. I spent the day in bed yesterday, that was Christmas day. I had a low grade fever, a heavy dry cough and runny nose. I used the oxygen all day. My mate has a sinus infection and is on antibiotics, her mother was admitted on Christmas eve with water in the lungs. Everyone around me is sick and I refuse to go to the hospital.
I spoke to grandchildren but didn't get to see them I want to go and give them their gifts but I don't want to be so far away from the hospital. I feel a bit better today. I took Claritin last night, I squirted Nasonex. I'm taking antibiotics for my UTI. My mate has cough syrup I've been taking. My fever dropped and my cough is better. So maybe I'll feel better soon. One positive thing is that I'm eating. If I was real sick I wouldn't be eating right? I was thinking maybe I should go back up on my steroids, no, I'm not going to do that, I'm on 6mg and I'm staying at 6. I hope I didn't get sick because I dropped down. I put the humidifier on, on my c-pap machine. I think I'm going to go back to bed right now and stay there until I start feeling like myself.
I spoke to grandchildren but didn't get to see them I want to go and give them their gifts but I don't want to be so far away from the hospital. I feel a bit better today. I took Claritin last night, I squirted Nasonex. I'm taking antibiotics for my UTI. My mate has cough syrup I've been taking. My fever dropped and my cough is better. So maybe I'll feel better soon. One positive thing is that I'm eating. If I was real sick I wouldn't be eating right? I was thinking maybe I should go back up on my steroids, no, I'm not going to do that, I'm on 6mg and I'm staying at 6. I hope I didn't get sick because I dropped down. I put the humidifier on, on my c-pap machine. I think I'm going to go back to bed right now and stay there until I start feeling like myself.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Me Verse Lupus: No Christmas Spirit Here
Me Verse Lupus: No Christmas Spirit Here: "I can't wait until Christmas is over. I'm not really the spirit at all. I got my grand kids a few gifts, and trying to wrap them. I wa..."
No Christmas Spirit Here
I can't wait until Christmas is over. I'm not really the spirit at all. I got my grand kids a few gifts, and trying to wrap them. I watched 2 Christmas movies, Scrooged with Bill Murray, but I'll watch that in August. And some Hallmark movies with these 2 x friends who compete to win the best decorated house contest. It was silly. I didn't get in the mood. I think it's all the commercial shit about the holiday. My inbox is full of ads, pop ups when I'm reading the news on msn. Bah humbug! I mean there's so much crazy shit going on in the world. War, babies are getting killed over what? Is it oil? Is it 911 retaliation? Are they still looking for weapons of mass destruction? Ah come on. Is it Gods' will? People are having a hard time paying rent because they can't find jobs. Kids going to bed hungry, and going to school without coats. Sick people who have no insurance and can't get the care they need, or if they do it's just enough to keep them going. It just takes away from the joy that Christmas is suppose to be about. You got people carjacking people, robbing people in the parking lots of malls. Push in robberies and rapes. We live in a world of evil, so how can a spirit of love, peace and happiness shine on this season. Parents who can't afford to give their children things, these children become angry, even if their parents explain why they couldn't get anything. Materialist wishes unfulfilled can cause these children to do bad things. I've gone through the motions, sending cards and wishing people joy but I'm not feeling it. Okay I don't have the spirit and I'm sorry if I put a damper on yours.
I went to see the Rheumatologist on Monday. He tried to justify the other doctor. He said she was concerned about my anti-coagulation. Okay, I'll play the game, because he said there is no question about whether I have lupus or not. Still no decision on whether I should be on blood thinners or not. However he did reduce the steroids, I'm down to 6mg. Woohoo! I feel the change in my appetite.
The best part is he gave me pain killers and these patches that I can put on my body where there is pain. My back has some problems. The drug addict in me likes the pain killers, but I will behave. I don't have an addictive nature.
I saw the medical doctor yesterday. He reduced one of my blood pressure medications. At least we are all on the same page, reduce my medications. About the blood thinners he referred me to a hematologist. I'll go next month after my SSD check comes in. That's another thing. This Medicare open enrollment. My Medicare starts in March and I can't figure this stuff out. One of my medications cost over $1000 a month. I have to reach $2000 and something before they reduce it. Now I'll reach that the first month but I won't be able to pay rent. Yes I pay rent, a phone bill and other little bills like my life insurance. I'm trying not to let it stress me. I just don't know what to do. I know I need to call Medicare and talk to someone but I rather do it in person. I'm waiting for a book I ordered it like 3 weeks ago, it's suppose to explain all this Medicare stuff but there's only a week left to make a choice.
This is what is going on in my life today. After being out all day two days in a row I am tired I just want to chillax. Did I mention that on Monday I walked about five blocks home from the pharmacy. My breathing was fine; it was my back that made it difficult. I didn't try it again on Tuesday. Still ten pounds lighter not gaining or losing.
I'll get back to my life with the next writing.
I went to see the Rheumatologist on Monday. He tried to justify the other doctor. He said she was concerned about my anti-coagulation. Okay, I'll play the game, because he said there is no question about whether I have lupus or not. Still no decision on whether I should be on blood thinners or not. However he did reduce the steroids, I'm down to 6mg. Woohoo! I feel the change in my appetite.
The best part is he gave me pain killers and these patches that I can put on my body where there is pain. My back has some problems. The drug addict in me likes the pain killers, but I will behave. I don't have an addictive nature.
I saw the medical doctor yesterday. He reduced one of my blood pressure medications. At least we are all on the same page, reduce my medications. About the blood thinners he referred me to a hematologist. I'll go next month after my SSD check comes in. That's another thing. This Medicare open enrollment. My Medicare starts in March and I can't figure this stuff out. One of my medications cost over $1000 a month. I have to reach $2000 and something before they reduce it. Now I'll reach that the first month but I won't be able to pay rent. Yes I pay rent, a phone bill and other little bills like my life insurance. I'm trying not to let it stress me. I just don't know what to do. I know I need to call Medicare and talk to someone but I rather do it in person. I'm waiting for a book I ordered it like 3 weeks ago, it's suppose to explain all this Medicare stuff but there's only a week left to make a choice.
This is what is going on in my life today. After being out all day two days in a row I am tired I just want to chillax. Did I mention that on Monday I walked about five blocks home from the pharmacy. My breathing was fine; it was my back that made it difficult. I didn't try it again on Tuesday. Still ten pounds lighter not gaining or losing.
I'll get back to my life with the next writing.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Me Verse Lupus: My son is mad.
Me Verse Lupus: My son is mad.: "I went to see my son yesterday for his birthday. He's still in the hospital and they're going to send him to another 28 day rehab and ..."
My son is mad.
I went to see my son yesterday for his birthday. He's still in the hospital and they're going to send him to another 28 day rehab and then try to find him a long term rehab for mica patients. His parole officer told him that if he hadn't gone to the hospital she was going to violate him. Then he would of been locked up for 7 more years. I pray this boy... no man learns that he has to do what he's suppose to do. He's been home for a year and a half if he gets violated he's going to have to do another 7 years. He needs to love life and realize that the confines of these programs are nothing like being back in jail where he was locked down on 23/7. But he should know that better then me. He is a grown man and he has to realize mommy can't save him no more he has to save himself. I need to learn how to let go and let God. I'm his mother and I don't want him locked up. Did I mention his father has been locked up for about 27 years for murder.
When he was a baby I had so many dreams and hopes for him. When he was a teenager and going through his thing I thought it was just rebellion stage. Then he was hospitalized and I was told he was schizophrenic. I refused to believe this. They doped him up. He fought the staff and sent 3 orderlies and 2 nurses to the hospital, so they gave him even more drugs.
I went to the library and read up on mental illness. My son had all the signs. I started wondering if I did anything wrong. Even to this day. Is he my punishment for all the bull shit I did in my life. Before I knew I was pregnant I smoke cigarettes and reefer. The night before I went into labor I went with my sister and we went to this guys' house, my sister went to get high and I said what the hell and took a couple of drags from the joint. The next morning I was in labor and gave birth 36 hours later. He was consider a preemie even though he weighted 5 pounds 2 ounces. On the 19th the doctors had me sign for him to have surgery because he had a perforated abdomen. The first time my son was held was 28 days after he was born. I could touch him through the incubator but it's not the same as cradling your child. Not being held had to affect him.
\
He was a good baby, but I do remember one night he was crying and crying and I just couldn't take it any more and I shook him. I didn't know better. He stopped crying for a few seconds and started right back up. I didn't think it was a problem, but today you hear so much about shaking baby syndrome. Maybe I fucked his head up.
As a toddler he use to sit against the wall and bang his head. I would stop him and sometimes he would just sit and stare in space.
When I meet Mr. 23 years and moved into the hotels my son was 3 years old. He saw a lot, pimps beating on their women. Drug dealers, transvestites. Mr. 23 and his brother use to take my son on the roof and my son told me years later that they use to throw him back and forth between the roofs. My son said they use to be high. Now he told me this, after he was sick and had a hard time distinguishing truth from illusions. So I don't know.
I taught him how to read and write before he started kindergarten. The teacher he had loved him, said he was so bright. But we had to move and I moved back to my mothers and put him in the school around the corner. It was over crowded and the teacher was new, fresh out of school and couldn't handle the class, she couldn't recognize how smart my son was. I didn't know I could of demanded that he be taken out of that class. The kids in the class were all left back and bad. My son stopped doing well and started behaving as bad as the other kids.
We moved again and lived in Mr. 23 years step fathers' basement. The five of us in one room. I smoked reefer around my children. I should of known better, but I believed there was no harm in smoking reefer. My son was in 2nd grade and he was having problems. They sent him for an evaluation and it turned out he had above average intelligence but was hyper active. I refuse medication for him.
\
We move again to Far Rockaway. He just wouldn't behave he would get in trouble for talking, getting out his seat and not doing his homework or classwork. He started to smoke cigarettes and reefer. He was normal to me he had a girlfriend that was older then him. Then he started cutting school. He had a friend I didn't want him to hang with, this friend was robbing people, breaking in house and doing all kinds of shit. I tried to keep my son from him. This is how he ended up staying with my sister and her husband.
After my mother died he came back home and this is when shit hit the fan. He wasn't going to school, started drinking and doing drugs. More then reefer, later he told me he smoked PCP and after that he was no longer right in the head. One night Mr. 23 was playing chess with him and my son just started crying, he asked Mr. 23 if he saw those things flying around the room. My son was having audio and visual hallucinations.
He was going in and out of hospitals. I tried to get him in programs but at 16 the availability of programs were limited. He ended up doing 6 months on Rikers Island. When he came home, he was in a half way house that should have been condemned, it was just trying to get paid from medicaid. He was in out patient programs but wouldn't comply.
One night he was gone all night, he took my car. The next morning he came in and thought I called the police and was threatening me and the girls. I told the girls to go get in the car. My oldest daughter was trying to protect me, she didn't want to leave me. She was clinging to me as we walked down the stairs. We got into the car, locked the doors and I started the engine. Before I could pull off my son busted the back window with a shovel, then the drivers side window as I pulled off. This was before cellphones were the norm. I went a few blocks away to a pay phone and called the cops.
When I got back to the neighborhood, we were in the car across the street. My son was on the roof, with the stick from the shovel, the shovel part was in the car. He was smoking a cigarette and a cop was under the roof with a gun pointed up at him. One of my stepsons' friends was trying to talk him down. The cops grabbed him in the house from the window and took him to the hospital.
Shortly after that he got arrested again and did I think 2 years for robbing someone for $10. He wasn't taking his meds and ended up beating a CO and was sentenced to a 23/7 lock down for over 11 months. I wrote the head of corrections and they reduced the time. But every time he got in general population he got himself in some kind of trouble and ended back in the 23/7 lock down.
He came home for a few months and robbed this guy for his Walkman. When the police picked him up he had the Walkman on his ears and was sitting right where he robbed the guy at. He got 7 years for the crime and 7 years parole. He did most of the 7 years in 23/7 lock down again. He was in super max prisons with ruthless criminals and he was there for a Walkman theft. When he came home a year and half ago he was so skinny, he looked like a man of 60 years old. Today he looks healthy but he acts like he wants to go back to prison as I mention at the start of this story. I shared all this information because I believe I made my son the way he is. I not afraid of dying, I don't want to go anywhere yet, and today I believe I have plenty more time ahead of me. But if lupus plans to take me out sooner then later, I pray that my son is on his two feet. That he finds someone to love him and take care of him when I'm gone. So I ask God to keep me alive until that time arrives.
When he was a baby I had so many dreams and hopes for him. When he was a teenager and going through his thing I thought it was just rebellion stage. Then he was hospitalized and I was told he was schizophrenic. I refused to believe this. They doped him up. He fought the staff and sent 3 orderlies and 2 nurses to the hospital, so they gave him even more drugs.
I went to the library and read up on mental illness. My son had all the signs. I started wondering if I did anything wrong. Even to this day. Is he my punishment for all the bull shit I did in my life. Before I knew I was pregnant I smoke cigarettes and reefer. The night before I went into labor I went with my sister and we went to this guys' house, my sister went to get high and I said what the hell and took a couple of drags from the joint. The next morning I was in labor and gave birth 36 hours later. He was consider a preemie even though he weighted 5 pounds 2 ounces. On the 19th the doctors had me sign for him to have surgery because he had a perforated abdomen. The first time my son was held was 28 days after he was born. I could touch him through the incubator but it's not the same as cradling your child. Not being held had to affect him.
\
He was a good baby, but I do remember one night he was crying and crying and I just couldn't take it any more and I shook him. I didn't know better. He stopped crying for a few seconds and started right back up. I didn't think it was a problem, but today you hear so much about shaking baby syndrome. Maybe I fucked his head up.
As a toddler he use to sit against the wall and bang his head. I would stop him and sometimes he would just sit and stare in space.
When I meet Mr. 23 years and moved into the hotels my son was 3 years old. He saw a lot, pimps beating on their women. Drug dealers, transvestites. Mr. 23 and his brother use to take my son on the roof and my son told me years later that they use to throw him back and forth between the roofs. My son said they use to be high. Now he told me this, after he was sick and had a hard time distinguishing truth from illusions. So I don't know.
I taught him how to read and write before he started kindergarten. The teacher he had loved him, said he was so bright. But we had to move and I moved back to my mothers and put him in the school around the corner. It was over crowded and the teacher was new, fresh out of school and couldn't handle the class, she couldn't recognize how smart my son was. I didn't know I could of demanded that he be taken out of that class. The kids in the class were all left back and bad. My son stopped doing well and started behaving as bad as the other kids.
We moved again and lived in Mr. 23 years step fathers' basement. The five of us in one room. I smoked reefer around my children. I should of known better, but I believed there was no harm in smoking reefer. My son was in 2nd grade and he was having problems. They sent him for an evaluation and it turned out he had above average intelligence but was hyper active. I refuse medication for him.
\
We move again to Far Rockaway. He just wouldn't behave he would get in trouble for talking, getting out his seat and not doing his homework or classwork. He started to smoke cigarettes and reefer. He was normal to me he had a girlfriend that was older then him. Then he started cutting school. He had a friend I didn't want him to hang with, this friend was robbing people, breaking in house and doing all kinds of shit. I tried to keep my son from him. This is how he ended up staying with my sister and her husband.
After my mother died he came back home and this is when shit hit the fan. He wasn't going to school, started drinking and doing drugs. More then reefer, later he told me he smoked PCP and after that he was no longer right in the head. One night Mr. 23 was playing chess with him and my son just started crying, he asked Mr. 23 if he saw those things flying around the room. My son was having audio and visual hallucinations.
He was going in and out of hospitals. I tried to get him in programs but at 16 the availability of programs were limited. He ended up doing 6 months on Rikers Island. When he came home, he was in a half way house that should have been condemned, it was just trying to get paid from medicaid. He was in out patient programs but wouldn't comply.
One night he was gone all night, he took my car. The next morning he came in and thought I called the police and was threatening me and the girls. I told the girls to go get in the car. My oldest daughter was trying to protect me, she didn't want to leave me. She was clinging to me as we walked down the stairs. We got into the car, locked the doors and I started the engine. Before I could pull off my son busted the back window with a shovel, then the drivers side window as I pulled off. This was before cellphones were the norm. I went a few blocks away to a pay phone and called the cops.
When I got back to the neighborhood, we were in the car across the street. My son was on the roof, with the stick from the shovel, the shovel part was in the car. He was smoking a cigarette and a cop was under the roof with a gun pointed up at him. One of my stepsons' friends was trying to talk him down. The cops grabbed him in the house from the window and took him to the hospital.
Shortly after that he got arrested again and did I think 2 years for robbing someone for $10. He wasn't taking his meds and ended up beating a CO and was sentenced to a 23/7 lock down for over 11 months. I wrote the head of corrections and they reduced the time. But every time he got in general population he got himself in some kind of trouble and ended back in the 23/7 lock down.
He came home for a few months and robbed this guy for his Walkman. When the police picked him up he had the Walkman on his ears and was sitting right where he robbed the guy at. He got 7 years for the crime and 7 years parole. He did most of the 7 years in 23/7 lock down again. He was in super max prisons with ruthless criminals and he was there for a Walkman theft. When he came home a year and half ago he was so skinny, he looked like a man of 60 years old. Today he looks healthy but he acts like he wants to go back to prison as I mention at the start of this story. I shared all this information because I believe I made my son the way he is. I not afraid of dying, I don't want to go anywhere yet, and today I believe I have plenty more time ahead of me. But if lupus plans to take me out sooner then later, I pray that my son is on his two feet. That he finds someone to love him and take care of him when I'm gone. So I ask God to keep me alive until that time arrives.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Me Verse Lupus: Gonna tell the my whole story
Me Verse Lupus: Gonna tell the my whole story: "I am doing too much. I don't see how people get bored when they stop working. I am busy. The only thing I miss about going..."
Gonna tell my whole story
I am doing too much. I don't see how people get bored when they stop working. I am busy. The only thing I miss about going out to work is the interaction with other folks. I guess that's why I seem to babble on and on when I have someone to talk to. Well that's what my mate says. I ignore her now. I also miss feeling important and in charge of things that matter.
I've been told that my blog has touched some people. This keeps me writing. But does it matter, like the work I did for my jobs? I thought everyone was interested in the Lupus part of my life but I found that I have more readers when I share stories about my dysfunctional life. I was a real fuck up like my brother said, but writing this blog and putting my story out there for the world to read has given me a sincere peace. I wasn't a bad person, I just made bad decisions. I can't blame anyone for them. I do wish I listened when I was spoken to. I wish those who spoke to me were more clear. Mom use to say if a man wallows in mud he can get up, shower and put on clean clothes and everyone will forget. But if a woman does that, everyone will talk about her for the rest of her life. Her aunt must have told her that. You see bougiest ran in my family. They were always concerned about what people thought. When I was younger in my mind, fuck what people thought.
What I needed my mother to tell me was that life is short, make your choices wisely. I wish she told me that sex is special and I should wait until I found the right man. That what I had between my legs was special. But sex was a subject not spoken freely in the house I grew up in. I mean my mom told me when I got my period that the boys will want me to go with them, but don't go. She never told me where they would take me or what they wanted. What I learned about sex was from my friends and they were lying. They told me that they were having sex, so I was anxious to find out myself. A friend I had as a teenager was shocked when she found out I was really having sex, she thought I was lying too.
My grand mother told me I shouldn't be with a man if he couldn't give me anything. She was crazy I thought. I wasn't going to use a man, I wanted love. Every man/boy I met I imagined was love. When they touched me I melted, my family wasn't affectionate. So any physical contact was accepted and desired. I never got to know all the men I had sex with. I can't even remember most of their names, but I can remember the act, places. I probably had sex with about 100 or more me and about 6 women.
Anyway I wish someone had told me I had all the time in the world for sex and love. I was in love with love and the fantasy of true love. Now I'm cynical and I wrote about my views on love in my other blog.
What I did a few days ago is copy and paste all the stories about my past in one file and all the stories about my struggles with lupus in another file. Now I have two files that I will work on to develop into novels. One of my readers suggested I do this. This gives me three projects to work on these two and my fiction novel that's half way done. I read an article yesterday, the writer said, if I say I don't have time to write then I'm not a writer. Well I a a writer and I'm going to make time to do so. I've been writing this blog so I still have a bit of the talent I had when I was in my prime.
As I wrote this blog I didn't tell my story in chronological order and left out a lot of stuff. I have stories that can lead into the full story. I'm going to write an out line and then just write. I've been working on this blog since August. I have 85 pages of my life written up and over 130 of my lupus story. If I dedicate myself to my work I should be finished in no time.
I finished my family newsletter. I'm proud of it as I always am. I wrote everyone a Christmas letter and I made a family tree. And I've been making birthday cards, I think I'm getting really good at them. I went to see the pulmonary doctor who says my lupus is under control and that I'm a good patient. In other words I'm proactive in my care. I don't have to see him until March. Wooowho! I see the Rheumatologist on Monday. Holding my breath. I have most if not all my records from when I was first diagnosed. If he says something stupid like the other doctor, I'm getting another Rheumy. I see my medical doctor on the next day, he'll give me a suggestion. No one is making any decision on if they want me to start on cumindain. I'll speak with my medical doctor about it next week. Right now there doesn't seem to be any blood clots in my body. I had a Doppler last week and it indicated that I had some clots in my right leg but they cleared up. I didn't care for the vascular doctor. When you are over weight like me, morbidly obese, you feel the disgust from people and I felt it from the vascular doctor. But any way I feel good, I'm not going to complain about anything. No one listens anyway.
This is what I've been doing. Oh I lost ten pounds and holding steady at that loss. I've slacked up but my stomach shrunk and I'm trying not to stretch it again. I continue to stay away from the sweets but I slipped up on the starches. I'm going to continue to work at it. Not only do I see the disgust from strangers, but I see it in the mirror too.
I've been told that my blog has touched some people. This keeps me writing. But does it matter, like the work I did for my jobs? I thought everyone was interested in the Lupus part of my life but I found that I have more readers when I share stories about my dysfunctional life. I was a real fuck up like my brother said, but writing this blog and putting my story out there for the world to read has given me a sincere peace. I wasn't a bad person, I just made bad decisions. I can't blame anyone for them. I do wish I listened when I was spoken to. I wish those who spoke to me were more clear. Mom use to say if a man wallows in mud he can get up, shower and put on clean clothes and everyone will forget. But if a woman does that, everyone will talk about her for the rest of her life. Her aunt must have told her that. You see bougiest ran in my family. They were always concerned about what people thought. When I was younger in my mind, fuck what people thought.
What I needed my mother to tell me was that life is short, make your choices wisely. I wish she told me that sex is special and I should wait until I found the right man. That what I had between my legs was special. But sex was a subject not spoken freely in the house I grew up in. I mean my mom told me when I got my period that the boys will want me to go with them, but don't go. She never told me where they would take me or what they wanted. What I learned about sex was from my friends and they were lying. They told me that they were having sex, so I was anxious to find out myself. A friend I had as a teenager was shocked when she found out I was really having sex, she thought I was lying too.
My grand mother told me I shouldn't be with a man if he couldn't give me anything. She was crazy I thought. I wasn't going to use a man, I wanted love. Every man/boy I met I imagined was love. When they touched me I melted, my family wasn't affectionate. So any physical contact was accepted and desired. I never got to know all the men I had sex with. I can't even remember most of their names, but I can remember the act, places. I probably had sex with about 100 or more me and about 6 women.
Anyway I wish someone had told me I had all the time in the world for sex and love. I was in love with love and the fantasy of true love. Now I'm cynical and I wrote about my views on love in my other blog.
What I did a few days ago is copy and paste all the stories about my past in one file and all the stories about my struggles with lupus in another file. Now I have two files that I will work on to develop into novels. One of my readers suggested I do this. This gives me three projects to work on these two and my fiction novel that's half way done. I read an article yesterday, the writer said, if I say I don't have time to write then I'm not a writer. Well I a a writer and I'm going to make time to do so. I've been writing this blog so I still have a bit of the talent I had when I was in my prime.
As I wrote this blog I didn't tell my story in chronological order and left out a lot of stuff. I have stories that can lead into the full story. I'm going to write an out line and then just write. I've been working on this blog since August. I have 85 pages of my life written up and over 130 of my lupus story. If I dedicate myself to my work I should be finished in no time.
I finished my family newsletter. I'm proud of it as I always am. I wrote everyone a Christmas letter and I made a family tree. And I've been making birthday cards, I think I'm getting really good at them. I went to see the pulmonary doctor who says my lupus is under control and that I'm a good patient. In other words I'm proactive in my care. I don't have to see him until March. Wooowho! I see the Rheumatologist on Monday. Holding my breath. I have most if not all my records from when I was first diagnosed. If he says something stupid like the other doctor, I'm getting another Rheumy. I see my medical doctor on the next day, he'll give me a suggestion. No one is making any decision on if they want me to start on cumindain. I'll speak with my medical doctor about it next week. Right now there doesn't seem to be any blood clots in my body. I had a Doppler last week and it indicated that I had some clots in my right leg but they cleared up. I didn't care for the vascular doctor. When you are over weight like me, morbidly obese, you feel the disgust from people and I felt it from the vascular doctor. But any way I feel good, I'm not going to complain about anything. No one listens anyway.
This is what I've been doing. Oh I lost ten pounds and holding steady at that loss. I've slacked up but my stomach shrunk and I'm trying not to stretch it again. I continue to stay away from the sweets but I slipped up on the starches. I'm going to continue to work at it. Not only do I see the disgust from strangers, but I see it in the mirror too.
My 2Cents Not Worth A Penny: Smell the Sh----, I mean roses.
My 2Cents Not Worth A Penny: Smell the Sh----, I mean roses.: " By: K. W. FloriaMay 9. 2008 A few weeks ago an eleven-year-old child was found hanging in her bedroom closet. Could you imagine ..."
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