Broken inside

I've been feeling a bit depressed since the year has come in. I'm trying to get out the funk but it's just lingering on. My feelings on that is fuck it. I've always had me and I shouldn't care how lonely I feel because I have God and me always and that's all that matters. With that said, I lost a total of 15 pounds!  I hope that by the time I go to the doctor next month I will be under 300 pounds, that's just 5 pounds away. 

Yesterday I received a call from the SLE Lupus Foundation asking about the health insurance I have with the Health Care Reform Act.  They gave my number to an international news station, online newspaper.  They are coming to interview me today to find out how the health insurance impacted my life.  The House is trying to repeal the Health Care Act. They meet on January 12th I believe.  Anyway the site is Aljazeera English. I'll post the article or video if they use me.

I started working on my novel yesterday.  It's hard for me to stay focused.  I remember I use to have no problem writing.  I use to write poems and short stories in like one, two, three.  It sadness me because writing is my love and it is difficult today.

I feel so isolated and alone and the funny thing I have always felt this way. Even when I was in a room full of people.  Just before I became sick I wrote the following poem. I was having difficulty breathing. I was tired all the time and I was just sad.

 

Broken Inside

 I’m so sad,

 mad.

Because?

I don’t know why,

the blues make me cry.

I am a nut without a squirrel,

alone in this world.

I need comfort and peace.

Where are the joy police?

My heart should be cold,

now that I’m old.

I know.

Love and devotion,

are  false emotions.

With every breath,

there’s a longing for death.

Once I could spread my legs,

and make strong men beg.

Lust was a game,

my juice made some insane.

Now I need a pill,

not for a common thrill,

but to capture, my lost sanity

and gain some mentality.

Confused and self abused.

I’m broken inside,

At this moment, I want to die.

7/3/08

I want to tell the rest of my life story, especially since I'm almost up to date but give me a few more day.