Total Pageviews

My family

Embrace Today By: K. Wilhelmina Floria

Tears of happiness shall fall,
listen close for your destination call.

A river of tranquility flows through life.

Ride out the eye of the storm, pass the strife.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Gonna tell my whole story

I am doing too much.  I don't see how people get bored when they stop working.  I am busy.  The only thing I miss about going out to work is the interaction with other folks.  I guess that's why I seem to babble on and on when I have someone to talk to.  Well that's what my mate says.  I ignore her now. I also miss feeling important and in charge of things that matter.

I've been told that my blog has touched some people. This keeps me writing.  But does it matter, like the work I did for my jobs? I thought everyone was interested in the Lupus part of my life but I found that I have more readers when I share stories about my dysfunctional life.  I was a real fuck up like my brother said, but writing this blog and putting my story out there for the world to read has given me a sincere peace.  I wasn't a bad person, I just made bad decisions.  I can't blame anyone for them.  I do wish I listened when I was spoken to.   I wish those who spoke to me were more clear.  Mom use to say if a man wallows in mud he can get up, shower and put on clean clothes and everyone will forget.  But if a woman does that, everyone will talk about her for the rest of her life.  Her aunt must have told her that.  You see bougiest ran in my family.  They were always concerned about what people thought.  When I was younger in my mind, fuck what people thought.

What I needed my mother to tell me was that life is short, make your choices wisely.  I wish she told me that sex is special and I should wait until I found the right man.  That what I had between my legs was special. But sex was a subject not spoken freely in the house I grew up in.  I mean my mom told me when I got my period that the boys will want me to go with them, but don't go.  She never told me where they would take me or what they wanted.  What I learned about sex was from my friends and they were lying.  They told me that they were having sex, so I was anxious to find out myself.  A friend I had as a teenager was shocked when she found out I was really having sex, she thought I was lying too.

My grand mother told me I shouldn't be with a man if he couldn't give me anything.  She was crazy I thought.  I wasn't going to use a man, I wanted love.  Every man/boy I met I imagined was love.  When they touched me I melted, my family wasn't affectionate.  So any physical contact was accepted and desired.  I never got to know all the men I had sex with.  I can't even remember most of their names, but I can remember the act, places. I probably had sex with about 100 or more me and about 6 women.

Anyway I wish someone had told me I had all the time in the world for sex and love.  I was in love with love and the fantasy of true love.  Now I'm cynical and I wrote about my views on love in my other blog.

What I did a few days ago is copy and paste all the stories about my past in one file and all the stories about my struggles with lupus in another file.  Now I have two files that I will work on to develop into novels.  One of my readers suggested I do this.  This gives me three projects to work on these two and my fiction novel that's half way done. I read an article yesterday, the writer said, if I say I don't have time to write then I'm not a writer.  Well I a a writer and I'm going to make time to do so.  I've been writing this blog so I still have a bit of the talent I had when I was in my prime.

As I wrote this blog I didn't tell my story in chronological order and left out a lot of stuff.  I have stories that can lead into the full story. I'm going to write an out line and then just write.  I've been working on this blog since August. I have 85 pages of my life written up and over 130 of my lupus story.  If I dedicate myself to my work I should be finished in no time.

I finished my family newsletter.  I'm proud of it as I always am.  I wrote everyone a Christmas letter and I made a family tree.  And I've been making birthday cards, I think I'm getting really good at them.  I went to see the pulmonary doctor who says my lupus is under control and that I'm a good patient.  In other words I'm proactive in my care.  I don't have to see him until March. Wooowho!  I see the Rheumatologist on Monday.  Holding my breath.  I have most if not all my records from when I was first diagnosed. If he says something stupid like the other doctor, I'm getting another Rheumy. I see my medical doctor on the next day, he'll give me a suggestion.  No one is making any decision on if they want me to start on cumindain.  I'll speak with my medical doctor about it next week. Right now there doesn't seem to be any blood clots in my body.  I had a Doppler last week and it indicated that I had some clots in my right leg but they cleared up. I didn't care for the vascular doctor.  When you are over weight like me, morbidly obese, you feel the disgust from people and I felt it from the vascular doctor. But any way I feel good, I'm not going to complain about anything. No one listens anyway. 

This is what I've been doing. Oh I lost ten pounds and holding steady at that loss.  I've slacked up but my stomach shrunk and I'm trying not to stretch it again.  I continue to stay away from the sweets but I slipped up on the starches.  I'm going to continue to work at it. Not only do I see the disgust from strangers, but I see it in the mirror too.


  1. Yes, people do listen, Ms. Kim. I do :) I love the fact that you're writing and I love the fact that you're taking control of what happens to you rather than letting what happens to you take control of you. I've sensed the strength (and stubborness lol) in you from the beginning. You keep doing what you're doing if it's working! If it stops working, do something that does work. It's all thought. Thought causes emotion and emotion causes action (good or bad). That's why it's important to have positive thought, so we have positive emotions leading to positive action. You get it, I don't need to explain it lol -- force of habit.

    Keep those thoughts positive! You're awesome :)

  2. There are so many feelings, thoughts etc. that you mention and talk about that I relate to! You are not alone my friend, trust me. I just wish I could write and express myself as you do! But, no need! lol You are doing it for me!
    To one hard headed woman to another!

  3. Congrats on those 10 pounds :)


Embrace today.