My family
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Me Verse Lupus: My son is mad.
Me Verse Lupus: My son is mad.: "I went to see my son yesterday for his birthday. He's still in the hospital and they're going to send him to another 28 day rehab and ..."
My son is mad.
I went to see my son yesterday for his birthday. He's still in the hospital and they're going to send him to another 28 day rehab and then try to find him a long term rehab for mica patients. His parole officer told him that if he hadn't gone to the hospital she was going to violate him. Then he would of been locked up for 7 more years. I pray this boy... no man learns that he has to do what he's suppose to do. He's been home for a year and a half if he gets violated he's going to have to do another 7 years. He needs to love life and realize that the confines of these programs are nothing like being back in jail where he was locked down on 23/7. But he should know that better then me. He is a grown man and he has to realize mommy can't save him no more he has to save himself. I need to learn how to let go and let God. I'm his mother and I don't want him locked up. Did I mention his father has been locked up for about 27 years for murder.
When he was a baby I had so many dreams and hopes for him. When he was a teenager and going through his thing I thought it was just rebellion stage. Then he was hospitalized and I was told he was schizophrenic. I refused to believe this. They doped him up. He fought the staff and sent 3 orderlies and 2 nurses to the hospital, so they gave him even more drugs.
I went to the library and read up on mental illness. My son had all the signs. I started wondering if I did anything wrong. Even to this day. Is he my punishment for all the bull shit I did in my life. Before I knew I was pregnant I smoke cigarettes and reefer. The night before I went into labor I went with my sister and we went to this guys' house, my sister went to get high and I said what the hell and took a couple of drags from the joint. The next morning I was in labor and gave birth 36 hours later. He was consider a preemie even though he weighted 5 pounds 2 ounces. On the 19th the doctors had me sign for him to have surgery because he had a perforated abdomen. The first time my son was held was 28 days after he was born. I could touch him through the incubator but it's not the same as cradling your child. Not being held had to affect him.
\
He was a good baby, but I do remember one night he was crying and crying and I just couldn't take it any more and I shook him. I didn't know better. He stopped crying for a few seconds and started right back up. I didn't think it was a problem, but today you hear so much about shaking baby syndrome. Maybe I fucked his head up.
As a toddler he use to sit against the wall and bang his head. I would stop him and sometimes he would just sit and stare in space.
When I meet Mr. 23 years and moved into the hotels my son was 3 years old. He saw a lot, pimps beating on their women. Drug dealers, transvestites. Mr. 23 and his brother use to take my son on the roof and my son told me years later that they use to throw him back and forth between the roofs. My son said they use to be high. Now he told me this, after he was sick and had a hard time distinguishing truth from illusions. So I don't know.
I taught him how to read and write before he started kindergarten. The teacher he had loved him, said he was so bright. But we had to move and I moved back to my mothers and put him in the school around the corner. It was over crowded and the teacher was new, fresh out of school and couldn't handle the class, she couldn't recognize how smart my son was. I didn't know I could of demanded that he be taken out of that class. The kids in the class were all left back and bad. My son stopped doing well and started behaving as bad as the other kids.
We moved again and lived in Mr. 23 years step fathers' basement. The five of us in one room. I smoked reefer around my children. I should of known better, but I believed there was no harm in smoking reefer. My son was in 2nd grade and he was having problems. They sent him for an evaluation and it turned out he had above average intelligence but was hyper active. I refuse medication for him.
\
We move again to Far Rockaway. He just wouldn't behave he would get in trouble for talking, getting out his seat and not doing his homework or classwork. He started to smoke cigarettes and reefer. He was normal to me he had a girlfriend that was older then him. Then he started cutting school. He had a friend I didn't want him to hang with, this friend was robbing people, breaking in house and doing all kinds of shit. I tried to keep my son from him. This is how he ended up staying with my sister and her husband.
After my mother died he came back home and this is when shit hit the fan. He wasn't going to school, started drinking and doing drugs. More then reefer, later he told me he smoked PCP and after that he was no longer right in the head. One night Mr. 23 was playing chess with him and my son just started crying, he asked Mr. 23 if he saw those things flying around the room. My son was having audio and visual hallucinations.
He was going in and out of hospitals. I tried to get him in programs but at 16 the availability of programs were limited. He ended up doing 6 months on Rikers Island. When he came home, he was in a half way house that should have been condemned, it was just trying to get paid from medicaid. He was in out patient programs but wouldn't comply.
One night he was gone all night, he took my car. The next morning he came in and thought I called the police and was threatening me and the girls. I told the girls to go get in the car. My oldest daughter was trying to protect me, she didn't want to leave me. She was clinging to me as we walked down the stairs. We got into the car, locked the doors and I started the engine. Before I could pull off my son busted the back window with a shovel, then the drivers side window as I pulled off. This was before cellphones were the norm. I went a few blocks away to a pay phone and called the cops.
When I got back to the neighborhood, we were in the car across the street. My son was on the roof, with the stick from the shovel, the shovel part was in the car. He was smoking a cigarette and a cop was under the roof with a gun pointed up at him. One of my stepsons' friends was trying to talk him down. The cops grabbed him in the house from the window and took him to the hospital.
Shortly after that he got arrested again and did I think 2 years for robbing someone for $10. He wasn't taking his meds and ended up beating a CO and was sentenced to a 23/7 lock down for over 11 months. I wrote the head of corrections and they reduced the time. But every time he got in general population he got himself in some kind of trouble and ended back in the 23/7 lock down.
He came home for a few months and robbed this guy for his Walkman. When the police picked him up he had the Walkman on his ears and was sitting right where he robbed the guy at. He got 7 years for the crime and 7 years parole. He did most of the 7 years in 23/7 lock down again. He was in super max prisons with ruthless criminals and he was there for a Walkman theft. When he came home a year and half ago he was so skinny, he looked like a man of 60 years old. Today he looks healthy but he acts like he wants to go back to prison as I mention at the start of this story. I shared all this information because I believe I made my son the way he is. I not afraid of dying, I don't want to go anywhere yet, and today I believe I have plenty more time ahead of me. But if lupus plans to take me out sooner then later, I pray that my son is on his two feet. That he finds someone to love him and take care of him when I'm gone. So I ask God to keep me alive until that time arrives.
When he was a baby I had so many dreams and hopes for him. When he was a teenager and going through his thing I thought it was just rebellion stage. Then he was hospitalized and I was told he was schizophrenic. I refused to believe this. They doped him up. He fought the staff and sent 3 orderlies and 2 nurses to the hospital, so they gave him even more drugs.
I went to the library and read up on mental illness. My son had all the signs. I started wondering if I did anything wrong. Even to this day. Is he my punishment for all the bull shit I did in my life. Before I knew I was pregnant I smoke cigarettes and reefer. The night before I went into labor I went with my sister and we went to this guys' house, my sister went to get high and I said what the hell and took a couple of drags from the joint. The next morning I was in labor and gave birth 36 hours later. He was consider a preemie even though he weighted 5 pounds 2 ounces. On the 19th the doctors had me sign for him to have surgery because he had a perforated abdomen. The first time my son was held was 28 days after he was born. I could touch him through the incubator but it's not the same as cradling your child. Not being held had to affect him.
\
He was a good baby, but I do remember one night he was crying and crying and I just couldn't take it any more and I shook him. I didn't know better. He stopped crying for a few seconds and started right back up. I didn't think it was a problem, but today you hear so much about shaking baby syndrome. Maybe I fucked his head up.
As a toddler he use to sit against the wall and bang his head. I would stop him and sometimes he would just sit and stare in space.
When I meet Mr. 23 years and moved into the hotels my son was 3 years old. He saw a lot, pimps beating on their women. Drug dealers, transvestites. Mr. 23 and his brother use to take my son on the roof and my son told me years later that they use to throw him back and forth between the roofs. My son said they use to be high. Now he told me this, after he was sick and had a hard time distinguishing truth from illusions. So I don't know.
I taught him how to read and write before he started kindergarten. The teacher he had loved him, said he was so bright. But we had to move and I moved back to my mothers and put him in the school around the corner. It was over crowded and the teacher was new, fresh out of school and couldn't handle the class, she couldn't recognize how smart my son was. I didn't know I could of demanded that he be taken out of that class. The kids in the class were all left back and bad. My son stopped doing well and started behaving as bad as the other kids.
We moved again and lived in Mr. 23 years step fathers' basement. The five of us in one room. I smoked reefer around my children. I should of known better, but I believed there was no harm in smoking reefer. My son was in 2nd grade and he was having problems. They sent him for an evaluation and it turned out he had above average intelligence but was hyper active. I refuse medication for him.
\
We move again to Far Rockaway. He just wouldn't behave he would get in trouble for talking, getting out his seat and not doing his homework or classwork. He started to smoke cigarettes and reefer. He was normal to me he had a girlfriend that was older then him. Then he started cutting school. He had a friend I didn't want him to hang with, this friend was robbing people, breaking in house and doing all kinds of shit. I tried to keep my son from him. This is how he ended up staying with my sister and her husband.
After my mother died he came back home and this is when shit hit the fan. He wasn't going to school, started drinking and doing drugs. More then reefer, later he told me he smoked PCP and after that he was no longer right in the head. One night Mr. 23 was playing chess with him and my son just started crying, he asked Mr. 23 if he saw those things flying around the room. My son was having audio and visual hallucinations.
He was going in and out of hospitals. I tried to get him in programs but at 16 the availability of programs were limited. He ended up doing 6 months on Rikers Island. When he came home, he was in a half way house that should have been condemned, it was just trying to get paid from medicaid. He was in out patient programs but wouldn't comply.
One night he was gone all night, he took my car. The next morning he came in and thought I called the police and was threatening me and the girls. I told the girls to go get in the car. My oldest daughter was trying to protect me, she didn't want to leave me. She was clinging to me as we walked down the stairs. We got into the car, locked the doors and I started the engine. Before I could pull off my son busted the back window with a shovel, then the drivers side window as I pulled off. This was before cellphones were the norm. I went a few blocks away to a pay phone and called the cops.
When I got back to the neighborhood, we were in the car across the street. My son was on the roof, with the stick from the shovel, the shovel part was in the car. He was smoking a cigarette and a cop was under the roof with a gun pointed up at him. One of my stepsons' friends was trying to talk him down. The cops grabbed him in the house from the window and took him to the hospital.
Shortly after that he got arrested again and did I think 2 years for robbing someone for $10. He wasn't taking his meds and ended up beating a CO and was sentenced to a 23/7 lock down for over 11 months. I wrote the head of corrections and they reduced the time. But every time he got in general population he got himself in some kind of trouble and ended back in the 23/7 lock down.
He came home for a few months and robbed this guy for his Walkman. When the police picked him up he had the Walkman on his ears and was sitting right where he robbed the guy at. He got 7 years for the crime and 7 years parole. He did most of the 7 years in 23/7 lock down again. He was in super max prisons with ruthless criminals and he was there for a Walkman theft. When he came home a year and half ago he was so skinny, he looked like a man of 60 years old. Today he looks healthy but he acts like he wants to go back to prison as I mention at the start of this story. I shared all this information because I believe I made my son the way he is. I not afraid of dying, I don't want to go anywhere yet, and today I believe I have plenty more time ahead of me. But if lupus plans to take me out sooner then later, I pray that my son is on his two feet. That he finds someone to love him and take care of him when I'm gone. So I ask God to keep me alive until that time arrives.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Me Verse Lupus: Gonna tell the my whole story
Me Verse Lupus: Gonna tell the my whole story: "I am doing too much. I don't see how people get bored when they stop working. I am busy. The only thing I miss about going..."
Gonna tell my whole story
I am doing too much. I don't see how people get bored when they stop working. I am busy. The only thing I miss about going out to work is the interaction with other folks. I guess that's why I seem to babble on and on when I have someone to talk to. Well that's what my mate says. I ignore her now. I also miss feeling important and in charge of things that matter.
I've been told that my blog has touched some people. This keeps me writing. But does it matter, like the work I did for my jobs? I thought everyone was interested in the Lupus part of my life but I found that I have more readers when I share stories about my dysfunctional life. I was a real fuck up like my brother said, but writing this blog and putting my story out there for the world to read has given me a sincere peace. I wasn't a bad person, I just made bad decisions. I can't blame anyone for them. I do wish I listened when I was spoken to. I wish those who spoke to me were more clear. Mom use to say if a man wallows in mud he can get up, shower and put on clean clothes and everyone will forget. But if a woman does that, everyone will talk about her for the rest of her life. Her aunt must have told her that. You see bougiest ran in my family. They were always concerned about what people thought. When I was younger in my mind, fuck what people thought.
What I needed my mother to tell me was that life is short, make your choices wisely. I wish she told me that sex is special and I should wait until I found the right man. That what I had between my legs was special. But sex was a subject not spoken freely in the house I grew up in. I mean my mom told me when I got my period that the boys will want me to go with them, but don't go. She never told me where they would take me or what they wanted. What I learned about sex was from my friends and they were lying. They told me that they were having sex, so I was anxious to find out myself. A friend I had as a teenager was shocked when she found out I was really having sex, she thought I was lying too.
My grand mother told me I shouldn't be with a man if he couldn't give me anything. She was crazy I thought. I wasn't going to use a man, I wanted love. Every man/boy I met I imagined was love. When they touched me I melted, my family wasn't affectionate. So any physical contact was accepted and desired. I never got to know all the men I had sex with. I can't even remember most of their names, but I can remember the act, places. I probably had sex with about 100 or more me and about 6 women.
Anyway I wish someone had told me I had all the time in the world for sex and love. I was in love with love and the fantasy of true love. Now I'm cynical and I wrote about my views on love in my other blog.
What I did a few days ago is copy and paste all the stories about my past in one file and all the stories about my struggles with lupus in another file. Now I have two files that I will work on to develop into novels. One of my readers suggested I do this. This gives me three projects to work on these two and my fiction novel that's half way done. I read an article yesterday, the writer said, if I say I don't have time to write then I'm not a writer. Well I a a writer and I'm going to make time to do so. I've been writing this blog so I still have a bit of the talent I had when I was in my prime.
As I wrote this blog I didn't tell my story in chronological order and left out a lot of stuff. I have stories that can lead into the full story. I'm going to write an out line and then just write. I've been working on this blog since August. I have 85 pages of my life written up and over 130 of my lupus story. If I dedicate myself to my work I should be finished in no time.
I finished my family newsletter. I'm proud of it as I always am. I wrote everyone a Christmas letter and I made a family tree. And I've been making birthday cards, I think I'm getting really good at them. I went to see the pulmonary doctor who says my lupus is under control and that I'm a good patient. In other words I'm proactive in my care. I don't have to see him until March. Wooowho! I see the Rheumatologist on Monday. Holding my breath. I have most if not all my records from when I was first diagnosed. If he says something stupid like the other doctor, I'm getting another Rheumy. I see my medical doctor on the next day, he'll give me a suggestion. No one is making any decision on if they want me to start on cumindain. I'll speak with my medical doctor about it next week. Right now there doesn't seem to be any blood clots in my body. I had a Doppler last week and it indicated that I had some clots in my right leg but they cleared up. I didn't care for the vascular doctor. When you are over weight like me, morbidly obese, you feel the disgust from people and I felt it from the vascular doctor. But any way I feel good, I'm not going to complain about anything. No one listens anyway.
This is what I've been doing. Oh I lost ten pounds and holding steady at that loss. I've slacked up but my stomach shrunk and I'm trying not to stretch it again. I continue to stay away from the sweets but I slipped up on the starches. I'm going to continue to work at it. Not only do I see the disgust from strangers, but I see it in the mirror too.
I've been told that my blog has touched some people. This keeps me writing. But does it matter, like the work I did for my jobs? I thought everyone was interested in the Lupus part of my life but I found that I have more readers when I share stories about my dysfunctional life. I was a real fuck up like my brother said, but writing this blog and putting my story out there for the world to read has given me a sincere peace. I wasn't a bad person, I just made bad decisions. I can't blame anyone for them. I do wish I listened when I was spoken to. I wish those who spoke to me were more clear. Mom use to say if a man wallows in mud he can get up, shower and put on clean clothes and everyone will forget. But if a woman does that, everyone will talk about her for the rest of her life. Her aunt must have told her that. You see bougiest ran in my family. They were always concerned about what people thought. When I was younger in my mind, fuck what people thought.
What I needed my mother to tell me was that life is short, make your choices wisely. I wish she told me that sex is special and I should wait until I found the right man. That what I had between my legs was special. But sex was a subject not spoken freely in the house I grew up in. I mean my mom told me when I got my period that the boys will want me to go with them, but don't go. She never told me where they would take me or what they wanted. What I learned about sex was from my friends and they were lying. They told me that they were having sex, so I was anxious to find out myself. A friend I had as a teenager was shocked when she found out I was really having sex, she thought I was lying too.
My grand mother told me I shouldn't be with a man if he couldn't give me anything. She was crazy I thought. I wasn't going to use a man, I wanted love. Every man/boy I met I imagined was love. When they touched me I melted, my family wasn't affectionate. So any physical contact was accepted and desired. I never got to know all the men I had sex with. I can't even remember most of their names, but I can remember the act, places. I probably had sex with about 100 or more me and about 6 women.
Anyway I wish someone had told me I had all the time in the world for sex and love. I was in love with love and the fantasy of true love. Now I'm cynical and I wrote about my views on love in my other blog.
What I did a few days ago is copy and paste all the stories about my past in one file and all the stories about my struggles with lupus in another file. Now I have two files that I will work on to develop into novels. One of my readers suggested I do this. This gives me three projects to work on these two and my fiction novel that's half way done. I read an article yesterday, the writer said, if I say I don't have time to write then I'm not a writer. Well I a a writer and I'm going to make time to do so. I've been writing this blog so I still have a bit of the talent I had when I was in my prime.
As I wrote this blog I didn't tell my story in chronological order and left out a lot of stuff. I have stories that can lead into the full story. I'm going to write an out line and then just write. I've been working on this blog since August. I have 85 pages of my life written up and over 130 of my lupus story. If I dedicate myself to my work I should be finished in no time.
I finished my family newsletter. I'm proud of it as I always am. I wrote everyone a Christmas letter and I made a family tree. And I've been making birthday cards, I think I'm getting really good at them. I went to see the pulmonary doctor who says my lupus is under control and that I'm a good patient. In other words I'm proactive in my care. I don't have to see him until March. Wooowho! I see the Rheumatologist on Monday. Holding my breath. I have most if not all my records from when I was first diagnosed. If he says something stupid like the other doctor, I'm getting another Rheumy. I see my medical doctor on the next day, he'll give me a suggestion. No one is making any decision on if they want me to start on cumindain. I'll speak with my medical doctor about it next week. Right now there doesn't seem to be any blood clots in my body. I had a Doppler last week and it indicated that I had some clots in my right leg but they cleared up. I didn't care for the vascular doctor. When you are over weight like me, morbidly obese, you feel the disgust from people and I felt it from the vascular doctor. But any way I feel good, I'm not going to complain about anything. No one listens anyway.
This is what I've been doing. Oh I lost ten pounds and holding steady at that loss. I've slacked up but my stomach shrunk and I'm trying not to stretch it again. I continue to stay away from the sweets but I slipped up on the starches. I'm going to continue to work at it. Not only do I see the disgust from strangers, but I see it in the mirror too.
My 2Cents Not Worth A Penny: Smell the Sh----, I mean roses.
My 2Cents Not Worth A Penny: Smell the Sh----, I mean roses.: " By: K. W. FloriaMay 9. 2008 A few weeks ago an eleven-year-old child was found hanging in her bedroom closet. Could you imagine ..."
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Me Verse Lupus: I was the mother of gangsters.
Me Verse Lupus: I was the mother of gangsters.: "I've been having quite a ride through life for a few days. I rested on the 7th just didn't do too much. I woke up feeling really ..."
I was the mother of gangsters.
I've been having quite a ride through life for a few days. I rested on the 7th just didn't do too much. I woke up feeling really good yesterday. I went upstairs to plug up my oxygen to charge it for the day. I was out of breath but not extremely like usual, I didn't have to stop and catch my breath, I was able to come right back downstairs. Yesterday I went to see the cardiologist. When the doctor came into the office he asked how I felt and I said to him, ''You told me you were going to have me feeling good and I feel good today." He was pleased and said my heart is good. I spoke to him about the rheumatalogist, I asked him if my weight was the issue for all my lung problems and he said it was not. I told him that she said, she didn't think I had lupus and he asked did she say what she thought caused my lung problems. I told him she thinks its' my weight, he suggest I speak with my medical doctor to help me find a new rheumatologist.
My son is in the ER, he told them he is considering suicide so that they will admit him. All I can do about his circumstances is pray. My biggest fear has always been of him walking the streets homeless and insane.
My mate didn't come home until after 12:30am I was up reading and couldn't go to sleep because I didn't know where she was. Mr. 23 years use to do the same thing. I'm just a worrier, but anything could of happen, especially since she usually comes straight home on Wednesday nights. Anyway I was up until 2 am, had to take an Aleve to help me sleep. I had a eye appointment today but was too tired and canceled. I spent the whole day in bed sleeping. Still tired but want to write about Mr. 23 years and the house. So here's some more of my life.
Before the car crash I was hanging out a lot, with C going to clubs and what not. I went to this club on Jamaica Ave with this woman that was a bar maid. I was standing at the bar when this guy brought me a drink after we both got a bit tipsy he asked if I did coke and of course I did and I told him I had a car and we could go in there. We go sniff some then we get out the car. I had on a dress, he leaned me against the car and ate me right there on the street. The people were standing outside the club across the street. We thought the buildings were in front of were abandoned. It was exciting trust me.
So me and this guy were hot and heavy, going to hotels and under the Whitestone bridge or where ever we could to fuck. We even did a manege toi'. Mr. 23 years found out about him and use to follow us with a friend of his. When the affair was over I found out that his friend talked him out of blowing our heads off while we were having sex in a parking lot near the club we meet at. I know it was true because he had details he would only know if he was watching us.
I don't know why he had such a problem he was having an affair with that gorilla he married. I found out and where she lived and one night when he didn't come home I went to the neighborhood and parked the car and acted like I was talking to someone on a pay phone. He called me and came home that night. This woman also called my house saying Mr. 23 was her man. I guess he was he married her right. Good for her, she can take care of him and he has someone to bury him. It was then that I got sick and the car accident happened.
At home was busy, the kids had their friends in and out. It would slow down when I got home. I was hang out with C, the cousin girlfriend, by now she was the X. We were like family feeding each other, lending each other money and taking care of each others kids. Mr. 23 was getting high again and the bills were out of control. We would run out of oil and be with out heat for a few days. We learned that we could put diesel fuel in the tank, so we would buy a few gallons and warm the house and take showers. The gas was off for years, so I cooked on hot plates and I had George Foreman toaster oven. I was a hell of a cook with that shit. I mean I was cooking big dinners with them. The bathtub started leaking into the kitchen and the living and dinning room where cold, so we cooked in my bedroom. The hot plates second as heaters.
My unemployment ran out. The bills were accumulating, the house was crumbling down around us. I took the money out of my 401k. I was young still plenty of good working years in me.
I finally get a job in another home care agency, my position was Director of Human Resources, it's a private agency. I get fucked around. I had more experience then everyone there. In my previous position I my title was Personnel Specialist, what I did was hire and supervise the home attendants, this was a city agency. In the private agency this position was coordinator. I would assist the coordinators with their jobs. There was a VIP client and I helped the coordinator get an aide. The coordinator was calling the aide and client family back and forth to discuss the responsibilities, the directions and whatever else. I suggested that she set up a conference call and let them talk to each other. When Christmas came she receive a bonus for her quick thinking in making the conference call, she looked at me when she accepted the certificate and cash award. I didn't say anything, and I didn't feel guilty when I accepted a position with an agency downstairs.
While I was with this agency I was able to get a loan/mortgage to do repairs on the house. I got the electricity and plumbing updated and they tore down the walls on the first floor and the stairs going to the second floor. The bathroom and kitchen were redone. I had a new house.
The other job I took was with another private home care agency where I was a coordinator until they opened a branch in Brooklyn, where I would be promoted the office manger. The salary was good and I shined in that position, I created a lot of revenue for the company. After a year I was promoted to Assistant Administrator, I was in charge of the three NYC branches. I was a fair boss yet I was firm and took no shit.
Mr. 23 years went to rehab and things were okay. He got money from the suit when he got hit when were trying to get guardianship of the young girl. He was also in a relationship with several women. It didn't bother me because at this time I was too tired to have sex. I only had interest when I was high off cocaine. I started using the coke to help me with energy. I was always tired. I wasn't having any affairs, just working and hanging with C, we would just hang at her house or over one of her friends houses.
Mr. 23s' friend moved in, I was renting rooms. which is a joke cause they didn't pay any rent after the first month. Mr. 23 and I would talk about putting everyone out but never did. My step son was there, his friends were coming in and out. My daughter had a friend and I'm calling out his name, Sunday. Sunday was homeless at like 14, his mother didn't want him. Just like my stepson, so my stepson took him under his wing. Mr. 23 and his brother, really his friend but he was like our brother. He was close to us both. Back when I was studying the 5 percent lessons hard we use to build with each other. We both kept studying and were into the esoteric studies. So anyway everyone was looking out for Sunday. He use to do these robberies and get locked up and the next thing you know he was back on the street.
My stepson had a warrant for his arrest because of a drug sale. He and I talked and he assured me he wasn't doing any business in the house. There were telephone trucks across from the house and the street lights use to go off. We were being watched.
One night this guy, an older guy comes to the house looking for my stepson. Sunday had introduced him to my stepson. A few days later I came home, C was with me. the door was open and the police were all over the place. I ask the police whats going on and he asks who I am and I tell them I'm the owner. I go in the house and everyone is handcuffed and on the floor. They handcuff me and we all 9 of us spent the night in jail. I was arrested when I was 19, for buying alcohol for a minor. I was just given a given a date to go to court. This time I was finger printed, photographed and locked down over night. I held my pee for most of the night, unheard of for me. My youngest daughter was in the cell across from us because she was a minor. They gave us sandwiches stale bread, baloney or cheese. I didn't eat or drink. I had no idea what time it was. I took my boots off and slept on them. My step son girlfriend and I stayed close. They let us all go except my stepson, his girlfriend and my tenant that was in the attic. My tenant had guns in the attic, he had permits for them but they expired. He had a pearl handle .22 that didn't get on the rooster. We were held for 24 hours later. I went got cash and we all went home.
My oldest daughter came home from work that morning, two of my stepsons' friends stayed in the house all night because the door was broken from when the police busted in. When we got there the house was in shambles, they tore everything up. They found some cocaine residue and some heroin, Mr. 23 took the rape for it, the coke was mine of course.
We found out that Sunday made a deal with the police and he set my stepson up. some of my stepsons' friends were going to murder Sunday I was able to talking them out of it. but I couldn't stop them from kicking his ass. I was mom and they respected me, they came to me with questions and talked freely with me. If anyone said anything wrong to me or disrespected me, I called them my boys they took care of them. I took care of them too.
There's more to follow another day.
My son is in the ER, he told them he is considering suicide so that they will admit him. All I can do about his circumstances is pray. My biggest fear has always been of him walking the streets homeless and insane.
My mate didn't come home until after 12:30am I was up reading and couldn't go to sleep because I didn't know where she was. Mr. 23 years use to do the same thing. I'm just a worrier, but anything could of happen, especially since she usually comes straight home on Wednesday nights. Anyway I was up until 2 am, had to take an Aleve to help me sleep. I had a eye appointment today but was too tired and canceled. I spent the whole day in bed sleeping. Still tired but want to write about Mr. 23 years and the house. So here's some more of my life.
Before the car crash I was hanging out a lot, with C going to clubs and what not. I went to this club on Jamaica Ave with this woman that was a bar maid. I was standing at the bar when this guy brought me a drink after we both got a bit tipsy he asked if I did coke and of course I did and I told him I had a car and we could go in there. We go sniff some then we get out the car. I had on a dress, he leaned me against the car and ate me right there on the street. The people were standing outside the club across the street. We thought the buildings were in front of were abandoned. It was exciting trust me.
So me and this guy were hot and heavy, going to hotels and under the Whitestone bridge or where ever we could to fuck. We even did a manege toi'. Mr. 23 years found out about him and use to follow us with a friend of his. When the affair was over I found out that his friend talked him out of blowing our heads off while we were having sex in a parking lot near the club we meet at. I know it was true because he had details he would only know if he was watching us.
I don't know why he had such a problem he was having an affair with that gorilla he married. I found out and where she lived and one night when he didn't come home I went to the neighborhood and parked the car and acted like I was talking to someone on a pay phone. He called me and came home that night. This woman also called my house saying Mr. 23 was her man. I guess he was he married her right. Good for her, she can take care of him and he has someone to bury him. It was then that I got sick and the car accident happened.
At home was busy, the kids had their friends in and out. It would slow down when I got home. I was hang out with C, the cousin girlfriend, by now she was the X. We were like family feeding each other, lending each other money and taking care of each others kids. Mr. 23 was getting high again and the bills were out of control. We would run out of oil and be with out heat for a few days. We learned that we could put diesel fuel in the tank, so we would buy a few gallons and warm the house and take showers. The gas was off for years, so I cooked on hot plates and I had George Foreman toaster oven. I was a hell of a cook with that shit. I mean I was cooking big dinners with them. The bathtub started leaking into the kitchen and the living and dinning room where cold, so we cooked in my bedroom. The hot plates second as heaters.
My unemployment ran out. The bills were accumulating, the house was crumbling down around us. I took the money out of my 401k. I was young still plenty of good working years in me.
I finally get a job in another home care agency, my position was Director of Human Resources, it's a private agency. I get fucked around. I had more experience then everyone there. In my previous position I my title was Personnel Specialist, what I did was hire and supervise the home attendants, this was a city agency. In the private agency this position was coordinator. I would assist the coordinators with their jobs. There was a VIP client and I helped the coordinator get an aide. The coordinator was calling the aide and client family back and forth to discuss the responsibilities, the directions and whatever else. I suggested that she set up a conference call and let them talk to each other. When Christmas came she receive a bonus for her quick thinking in making the conference call, she looked at me when she accepted the certificate and cash award. I didn't say anything, and I didn't feel guilty when I accepted a position with an agency downstairs.
While I was with this agency I was able to get a loan/mortgage to do repairs on the house. I got the electricity and plumbing updated and they tore down the walls on the first floor and the stairs going to the second floor. The bathroom and kitchen were redone. I had a new house.
The other job I took was with another private home care agency where I was a coordinator until they opened a branch in Brooklyn, where I would be promoted the office manger. The salary was good and I shined in that position, I created a lot of revenue for the company. After a year I was promoted to Assistant Administrator, I was in charge of the three NYC branches. I was a fair boss yet I was firm and took no shit.
Mr. 23 years went to rehab and things were okay. He got money from the suit when he got hit when were trying to get guardianship of the young girl. He was also in a relationship with several women. It didn't bother me because at this time I was too tired to have sex. I only had interest when I was high off cocaine. I started using the coke to help me with energy. I was always tired. I wasn't having any affairs, just working and hanging with C, we would just hang at her house or over one of her friends houses.
Mr. 23s' friend moved in, I was renting rooms. which is a joke cause they didn't pay any rent after the first month. Mr. 23 and I would talk about putting everyone out but never did. My step son was there, his friends were coming in and out. My daughter had a friend and I'm calling out his name, Sunday. Sunday was homeless at like 14, his mother didn't want him. Just like my stepson, so my stepson took him under his wing. Mr. 23 and his brother, really his friend but he was like our brother. He was close to us both. Back when I was studying the 5 percent lessons hard we use to build with each other. We both kept studying and were into the esoteric studies. So anyway everyone was looking out for Sunday. He use to do these robberies and get locked up and the next thing you know he was back on the street.
My stepson had a warrant for his arrest because of a drug sale. He and I talked and he assured me he wasn't doing any business in the house. There were telephone trucks across from the house and the street lights use to go off. We were being watched.
One night this guy, an older guy comes to the house looking for my stepson. Sunday had introduced him to my stepson. A few days later I came home, C was with me. the door was open and the police were all over the place. I ask the police whats going on and he asks who I am and I tell them I'm the owner. I go in the house and everyone is handcuffed and on the floor. They handcuff me and we all 9 of us spent the night in jail. I was arrested when I was 19, for buying alcohol for a minor. I was just given a given a date to go to court. This time I was finger printed, photographed and locked down over night. I held my pee for most of the night, unheard of for me. My youngest daughter was in the cell across from us because she was a minor. They gave us sandwiches stale bread, baloney or cheese. I didn't eat or drink. I had no idea what time it was. I took my boots off and slept on them. My step son girlfriend and I stayed close. They let us all go except my stepson, his girlfriend and my tenant that was in the attic. My tenant had guns in the attic, he had permits for them but they expired. He had a pearl handle .22 that didn't get on the rooster. We were held for 24 hours later. I went got cash and we all went home.
My oldest daughter came home from work that morning, two of my stepsons' friends stayed in the house all night because the door was broken from when the police busted in. When we got there the house was in shambles, they tore everything up. They found some cocaine residue and some heroin, Mr. 23 took the rape for it, the coke was mine of course.
We found out that Sunday made a deal with the police and he set my stepson up. some of my stepsons' friends were going to murder Sunday I was able to talking them out of it. but I couldn't stop them from kicking his ass. I was mom and they respected me, they came to me with questions and talked freely with me. If anyone said anything wrong to me or disrespected me, I called them my boys they took care of them. I took care of them too.
There's more to follow another day.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Me Verse Lupus: Doctor Sensitivity Course
Me Verse Lupus: Doctor Sensitivity Course: "I came to your office to find answers for the ills that ail me. First of all I’m not a statistic, I’m a live specimen. I am scared, a..."
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Doctor Sensitivity Course
I came to your office to find answers for the ills that ail me. First of all I’m not a statistic, I’m a live specimen. I am scared, anxious and don’t know all the technical terms, not even sure how to pronounce most of them anyway. I don’t know the names of all the tests I’ve taken, you see it was another doctor who ordered them and they spoke doctor language too. Remember I didn’t go to medical school; in fact I wasn’t even that good in biology or chemistry. So speak to me in the language I speak. I am not an imbecile; I’m trying to understand my illness.
I have questions, to you they may be stupid or insignificant, but to me they are very important. So please don’t talk down to me or display loathing, I have feelings you know.
And another thing this appointment was made several weeks ago. You could have been prepared to meet me. Was it too hard to review my records from our last visit the afternoon before my appointment or this morning before your patients began to arrive? I mean this way you would be familiar with my case. My time is important, just like yours, you know.
Before you diagnosis or undiagnosed a patient, get your facts in order. Do you know how stressful is to wait for a call or worst for the next visit that may be weeks away? First the anxiety comes, that leads to depression and then I’m sick with worry. I want to know what is wrong. I want to know if it isn’t what I was originally diagnosed with, then why am I feeling the way I am. What is that I have, why am I taking all these drugs to treat something I don’t have? Worst you speculate, order test and now I have to wait to know what is wrong and to be treatment. Until you know for sure what is wrong with me, keep your mouth shut.
Do not pretend to care after you displayed your bitch personality. I know a phony. There is a whole network of doctors out there. I can drop you and find another in a minute, I can write the American Medical Association about you. I can rate you on http://www.healthgrades.com/ or http://www.healthgrades.com/ .
I want to trust you and feel comfortable enough to ask you anything about my health, progress and treatment. Keep this in mind as you practice medicine; treat your patients with respect, kindness and most of all compassion. Hear what I have to say, don’t get disgusted if I get the terminology wrong, or phrase the question incorrectly. I am not a doctor I am a sick person looking to you for answers for this frightening phase in my life.
I don’t think this is too much to ask. Does anyone else have any subjects that need to be added?
Monday, December 6, 2010
Me Verse Lupus: New Rhuemy is a QUACK!!
Me Verse Lupus: New Rhuemy is a QUACK!!: "I woke up this morning feeling good. Well actually I went to bed feeling good. I took the hair off my face. I used this Mary Kay facial stu..."
New Rhuemy is a QUACK!!
I woke up this morning feeling good. Well actually I went to bed feeling good. I took the hair off my face. I used this Mary Kay facial stuff, I curled my hair and wrapped it. I got my clothes together for today and went to bed. Despite that my son got himself kicked out of rehab, and got drunk and went to his sisters house and she was angry with me. My grandson went to the ER and was diagnosed with bronchitis, that's where the subject of my other blog came from. I heard that she got into a physical fight with her on again off again boyfriend. But despite this drama I still felt okay.
On Saturday I accompanied my mates niece to an audition for the All City Choir, they were having a rehearsal, she auditioned during a 10 minute break and got in. I really enjoyed watching them rehearse.
Today I went to see the Rhuematologist. There goes my good mood. This is the second time I saw her. First they couldn't find my chart, and when they did they only had one page of my medical history she took. She askes a few questions and talks with my actual doctor. She is doing a study of lupus. Her concern is my weight, which is mine too. She says I probaly have PH because of my weight. Now I read that weight has nothing to do with the PH. I said nothing. She said she doesn't think I have Lupus. She wants to know what kind of markers I had. I mentioned the hair loss, the false positive syhilis, allergy to sulfa drugs, photo sensitivity, the rashes. She says those aren't symptoms. My blood work is good right now. I've been on steroids for two years and about four months now. I've been taking cellcept for almost two years and I've been on plaquline off and on for I guess two years. Do you think maybe the drugs are doing what they are suppose to? She claims my weight is the but if my health problems. I was over weight before I was diagnosed with lupus. When I got sick I was losing weight anothe symptom. Oh got so pissed.
I've been home since 1:30pm at 2:30pm I pulled out all my blood work I had since I was diagnoised, I went on WebMd and looked up the laboratory tests used to diagnoise lupus and evaluate sle. Guess what, there are 17 markers, this includes test for renal function. I had 9 markers when I was first diagnoised.
I see the doctor I choose to be my Rhuematologist on the 20th., if he agrees with her. I will be looking for another Rhuematologist. I can't believe this. I'm so damn angry, if I don't have lupus why am I taking all this fucking medication. Why? That woman is a quack!!
On Saturday I accompanied my mates niece to an audition for the All City Choir, they were having a rehearsal, she auditioned during a 10 minute break and got in. I really enjoyed watching them rehearse.
Today I went to see the Rhuematologist. There goes my good mood. This is the second time I saw her. First they couldn't find my chart, and when they did they only had one page of my medical history she took. She askes a few questions and talks with my actual doctor. She is doing a study of lupus. Her concern is my weight, which is mine too. She says I probaly have PH because of my weight. Now I read that weight has nothing to do with the PH. I said nothing. She said she doesn't think I have Lupus. She wants to know what kind of markers I had. I mentioned the hair loss, the false positive syhilis, allergy to sulfa drugs, photo sensitivity, the rashes. She says those aren't symptoms. My blood work is good right now. I've been on steroids for two years and about four months now. I've been taking cellcept for almost two years and I've been on plaquline off and on for I guess two years. Do you think maybe the drugs are doing what they are suppose to? She claims my weight is the but if my health problems. I was over weight before I was diagnosed with lupus. When I got sick I was losing weight anothe symptom. Oh got so pissed.
I've been home since 1:30pm at 2:30pm I pulled out all my blood work I had since I was diagnoised, I went on WebMd and looked up the laboratory tests used to diagnoise lupus and evaluate sle. Guess what, there are 17 markers, this includes test for renal function. I had 9 markers when I was first diagnoised.
I see the doctor I choose to be my Rhuematologist on the 20th., if he agrees with her. I will be looking for another Rhuematologist. I can't believe this. I'm so damn angry, if I don't have lupus why am I taking all this fucking medication. Why? That woman is a quack!!
Friday, December 3, 2010
Me Verse Lupus: Lupus is invading my body today.
Me Verse Lupus: Lupus is invading my body today.: "My son came but his escort didn't come with him. My son said the guy probably would feel uncomfortable so he went his own way. My son had a..."
Lupus is invading my body today.
My son came but his escort didn't come with him. My son said the guy probably would feel uncomfortable so he went his own way. My son had a bowl of cereal and for lunch he had the Cornish hen with stuffing. And guess what there's still another half of hen left. I posted a vent the morning my son came and thus deleted it. Those who caught the vent know what I'm talking about. My son checked his benefit card and found that he had a couple of hundred dollars in food stamps on his card. So he took my mate to the grocery store and spent a lot of money I don't how much but my mate gave him $50 in cash. I think she got about $150 worth of food. I haven' heard from my son since, but I'm sure he's okay. The essay I wrote on my other blog My 2Cents not worth a penny, 'A Lesson to Learned' was written for my son. I really hope he hears it.
I ate some Jamaican food on Wednesday night, rice and peas and oxtail. It was so good. Yesterday I had cereal for breakfast and for dinner I had fried liver with onions, mash potatoes and peas. Yum. I ate a cup of butter pecan ice cream. And don't forget my potato chips. I eat the lightly salted chips, but still I need to leave them alone. I eat the frozen grapes but it's too cold now and that's the only way I like them. I need something non-fattening that I can eat to fill the void of not smoking. I don't want a cigarette but I still feel the void of not doing something with my hands, that's where the chips come in. Any suggestions? Please leave a comment and give me some ideas.
I'm tired, I've been tired for several days now. My mate she thinks I'm lazy. I tell her I'm tired she thinks once I sleep I shouldn't be tired any more. Yesterday we were sitting at the kitchen table and my cell phone was in the living room, about 15 feet away. I said damn I need my cell phone, I wasn't saying it to her, more like fussing to myself out loud. She says it's right there go get it. I just looked at her. She went and got it for me. I wanted to come downstairs and get undressed, check emails and such then go lay down. But I sat at the kitchen table for about an hour longer because I didn't want to move. I finally came downstairs and got on the computer and again I didn't want to move. I finally went to bed and waited up for my mates' friend. It was after 11 pm when my mate called and told me, her friend would be in after 12 am and she would be home to wait for her.
I slept all night, got up once to go to the bathroom. I was cold and got back in bed, put the covers over my head and I went back to sleep. I went into a deep sleep, when I woke up I didn't want to open my eyes, I didn't want to yawn, because that would be too exhausting. I peeked at the clock and it was 8am, the time I take my cellcept, I take it then so I can eat by 10am. I wanted to get up and take my meds but I couldn't make my body listen. I think I dozed off again because the next thing I knew it was after 9 am. I pushed myself out of bed. I have birthday cards to make, my newsletter to finish. I had to get up. I felt guilty laying in the bed.
I get up and my mate asks me how I feel. I usually tell her I'm okay, this morning I say not good and I explain that I'm tired and she asks what the doctors say. Nothing. Can I take the B12, yes but they don't do anything. When I got the B12 shots the first one made me feel more energized, but the 5 proceeding shots did nothing for my energy level. On Daily Strengthen they were talking about a drug 'Provigil' I go to the doctor Monday, I'm going to ask about it.
In addition to being tired I've been cold. But that's no problem because I like to be cold. It's just weird because I'm never cold. My temperature is at it's usual 96.7 or 97.3 never 98.6 which it's suppose to be. When I was taking the cytoxin I was told my temperature would be lower then normal, I haven't had cytoxin in over a year. Is this a flare or just a lupus norm. I mean I've been tired, but once I get out of bed the energy charges up. I feel like I ran out of gas like an old car. You can turn my key and I'll cough and spit but I'm not reeving up at all.
Today the ocean has no fish, the sky no birds, and the earth is without foot prints. The sun won't shine and the moon vanished in an abyss of darkness and me in a vacum sucked in a hollow world where energy is dead. Oh it's just a lupus day.
I ate some Jamaican food on Wednesday night, rice and peas and oxtail. It was so good. Yesterday I had cereal for breakfast and for dinner I had fried liver with onions, mash potatoes and peas. Yum. I ate a cup of butter pecan ice cream. And don't forget my potato chips. I eat the lightly salted chips, but still I need to leave them alone. I eat the frozen grapes but it's too cold now and that's the only way I like them. I need something non-fattening that I can eat to fill the void of not smoking. I don't want a cigarette but I still feel the void of not doing something with my hands, that's where the chips come in. Any suggestions? Please leave a comment and give me some ideas.
I'm tired, I've been tired for several days now. My mate she thinks I'm lazy. I tell her I'm tired she thinks once I sleep I shouldn't be tired any more. Yesterday we were sitting at the kitchen table and my cell phone was in the living room, about 15 feet away. I said damn I need my cell phone, I wasn't saying it to her, more like fussing to myself out loud. She says it's right there go get it. I just looked at her. She went and got it for me. I wanted to come downstairs and get undressed, check emails and such then go lay down. But I sat at the kitchen table for about an hour longer because I didn't want to move. I finally came downstairs and got on the computer and again I didn't want to move. I finally went to bed and waited up for my mates' friend. It was after 11 pm when my mate called and told me, her friend would be in after 12 am and she would be home to wait for her.
I slept all night, got up once to go to the bathroom. I was cold and got back in bed, put the covers over my head and I went back to sleep. I went into a deep sleep, when I woke up I didn't want to open my eyes, I didn't want to yawn, because that would be too exhausting. I peeked at the clock and it was 8am, the time I take my cellcept, I take it then so I can eat by 10am. I wanted to get up and take my meds but I couldn't make my body listen. I think I dozed off again because the next thing I knew it was after 9 am. I pushed myself out of bed. I have birthday cards to make, my newsletter to finish. I had to get up. I felt guilty laying in the bed.
I get up and my mate asks me how I feel. I usually tell her I'm okay, this morning I say not good and I explain that I'm tired and she asks what the doctors say. Nothing. Can I take the B12, yes but they don't do anything. When I got the B12 shots the first one made me feel more energized, but the 5 proceeding shots did nothing for my energy level. On Daily Strengthen they were talking about a drug 'Provigil' I go to the doctor Monday, I'm going to ask about it.
In addition to being tired I've been cold. But that's no problem because I like to be cold. It's just weird because I'm never cold. My temperature is at it's usual 96.7 or 97.3 never 98.6 which it's suppose to be. When I was taking the cytoxin I was told my temperature would be lower then normal, I haven't had cytoxin in over a year. Is this a flare or just a lupus norm. I mean I've been tired, but once I get out of bed the energy charges up. I feel like I ran out of gas like an old car. You can turn my key and I'll cough and spit but I'm not reeving up at all.
Today the ocean has no fish, the sky no birds, and the earth is without foot prints. The sun won't shine and the moon vanished in an abyss of darkness and me in a vacum sucked in a hollow world where energy is dead. Oh it's just a lupus day.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
My 2Cents Not Worth A Penny: A Lesson to Be Learned
My 2Cents Not Worth A Penny: A Lesson to Be Learned: "In the beginning there’s a sperm and an ovary. A joining takes place in the womb, an embryo develops, grows and an infant is born, innocent..."
Monday, November 29, 2010
Me Verse Lupus: The continuing drama of 23 years.
Me Verse Lupus: The continuing drama of 23 years.: "Another morning, another headache with heavy dry eyes. But I feel okay otherwise. I'm not a misfit today. I'm alive and ready to face the ..."
The continuing drama of 23 years.
Another morning, another headache with heavy dry eyes. But I feel okay otherwise. I'm not a misfit today. I'm alive and ready to face the world of cyberspace. I don't have to go out all week. My daughters' birthday is on the 7th and she's having a party with her friends on Saturday, so guess where I'll be. Yea baby sitting. I hope I can store enough energy. I worked on my newsletter yesterday, I designed the front only thing is I set it up as a poster so all the work was for naught. The cover is the hardest part because I add the graphics. Noe I have to do it over again. What else do I have to do? I started my sisters' birthday card, just six more to go. To think I wanted to go into the card making business. I need to just concentrate on my writing. It's what I enjoy and it has no demands yet.
I went a little head of myself the last time I wrote about being in the house. My mother worked for the Parks Department, she had a high ranking position she worked with the commissioner. As I mentioned her little church was jammed packed. My boss was impressed with the officials that came to my mothers' funeral.
Mom had insurance that covered the funeral and she had a 401k that she left to her children. We each received almost 80k each. I deposited that money and that night I cried when I wrote checks to pay off all my debts. I brought a brand new 1993 Mazda MVP, I loved that car. It was low mataince, but still a stupid move. I should of gotten a used car, because I had still had to make the payments each month and that became difficult when Mr. 23 picked up his habit again. I had my job that I was embezzlling money from. so I was making the payments and the paying the bills on the house with my salary.
Mr. 23 was responsible for feeding us and some nights that didn't happen. So I took a second job with McDonald's. Father was suppose to watch the kids, keep them out of trouble. His son, who I love as my own moved in because he got arrested and needed to change his address. A place to hide. His son had lots of friends that would come and visit and hang out and smoke their weed. It was okay because I smoked mine too.
My son was running around drinking and smoking and behaving erratic. He got arrested for stealing a Walkman from this kid in school. I used the last of my money to bail him out and pay for a lawyer. The lawyer suggested I take him to the doctor which I did and they sent him to a mental hospital. I had insurance so it was a nice place. When I went to see him they had him strapped to the bed and said he was schizophrenic. Were they crazy! Not my son, he's just smoking weed and drinking too much. How could they give him medication before they tested him. They said he beat up four orderlies. They were lying. I went to the library to learn about mental illness.
My oldest daughter was going to school and hanging with her school friends. She was doing what she was suppose to. My cousin who was staying with us was doing the same. They were smoking weed too. My cousin was from California and the gangs and was a bit gangster. After the cousin went back to California, one of my daughters' friends moved in because her mother didn't care and eventually moved away and abandoned her. Father and I were in the process of getting guardianship.
My youngest daughter use to run the streets. Everyone knew her. She worked in the store packing bags, collecting bottles, shopping for old people and taking care of other kids dogs. She worked hard, but she hated school and she stopped going. I would take her to school and she would run out the other door. The agency for children services investigated me. They had me put a pins warrant on my daughter and she was put in special education and she went to school some what regularly but by the time she was 16 she quit.
Father didn't pay any attention to them. I was working, I would leave at 8 am and not return home until after midnight. On the night I was off I slept. On the weekends I would work 16 hours to help make a 40 hour week. I trusted Father to look out for the kids, but he was chasing crack.
The IGs' came to my job with guns drawn and all. We had to show ID and proved that we belonged. They sealed up our records and we were under investigation. They called me to the State Building and questioned me. They said I wasn 't the focus of their investigation but that didn't make it less scary. Long story short they shut the office down. I was kept on to assist with closing out the records and such. I quit working at McDonald's while I was still working for the home care agency so I could collect the unemployment when it finally closed for good.
McDonalds was a fun job, I loved it. No stress, but it was a lot of work. cleaning the store and running around to serve the customers in less then 3 minutes. I use to have a long line because the regulars wanted me to assist them. I use to work the drive through, both windows, I would take the order and prepare the food for them. They were going to keep me, train me to be a manager, I was already bossing the kids around even the ones that were crew mangers. But I was afraid of getting stuck there and taking a slow trip to the top. Any young person who needs a job, career. McDonald's is the place. They will train you and you could advance over the years to owning your own Franchise. The owner of the store I worked at was 34 and worked for Mc'ds since she was 14. I was 37 too old to start at the bottom.
My son did six months in jail and came home and after a month or two was arrested again, I don't remember for what, I think it was over $10 he stole from some one. They gave him time this time I think he got 5 years. He was in a nice prison but he got paranoid and attacked a guard and they sent him to max and he was treated badly because he attacked a Correction officer. They put him in solidarity confinement for something like 11 months. My son caused all his tribulations, by refusing to take medication. By refusing to follow the rules and regulations. Before he ended up locked for the five years I tried to get him in programs and he wouldn't try. Today he's in rehab because he didn't like the rules of the building he was living in, and also because he wants to get high, and drink. He's in rehab and still complaining about the facility. He wants to do what he wants, when he wants, and always ends up fucking his life up more. He's my son and I love him but I don't know what else to do or say to make him see he has to follow the program and eventually things will work out for him. He doesn't hear, all he does is tell me how much he hates it here, there or where ever he is. I guess he forgot he spent 12 years of his life in prison.
Now I was unemployed and looking for work. Fathers cousins' girlfriend, C and I were hanging out a lot. We were hitting bars, drinking and sniffing drugs. We were close. While we were doing our thing, father and his cousin were doing theres'. C's godfather lived on the other side of town. C told me that she saw Father coming out of the upstairs apartment. Her godfather told her this woman lived up there. I didn't pay it any mind. Until C told me she saw Father at the bus stop with the woman holding a baby. This got my attention. I didn't care if he was having an affair. I mean I was doing my thing and an affair with a woman was better then the affair he was having with the crack and heroin. But having a baby with another woman. Oh no!
Especially when were struggling finaically. We weren't eating regularly and we didn't have heat every month. There were many nights that we went to bed in a cold house. We would all sleep in my bedroom. Use hot plates to cook with and heat the room. We would sleep under tons of blankets and in our coats and hats.
I got a sinus infection. No job meant no insurance but I got antibiotics from the city hospital emergency room. I was given bacitratian which contains sulfa. I was in pain, my head was pounding and I was taking 24 over the counter Tylenol pills a day for about 3 days. I ended up laying in bed, shitting on myself. Father would clean me up and tell me to go to the ER. I refused I told him the antibiotics needed to kick in. Finally he said to hell with this and helped me shower and took me to the ER. I didn't have any fight left. By the time I got to the hospital I had no white blood cell and I damaged my liver with all the Tylenol.
While I was in the hospital father let my oldest daughter and her friend use the car. They crashed the car. Father was going to one hospital to see my son, to another to check on my daughter and then to the next to see me. The car was totaled and the girl whos' mother abandoned her was killed in the car. The way that car looked it's amazing anyone walked out of it alive.
Two weeks or so after I was out the hospital and the girls' funeral. Father was taking me to my follow up doctors' appointment. I stopped in Hallmark to get some thank you cards. He waited outside. When I came out he was talking to this woman. I walked up and stood next to them, this woman stepped in front of me like I had no business being there. So I walked over to Father and put my arm into his. She cut her eyes at me and they finished their conversation. As we walked to the bus stop and he told me he was messing with her friend. I told him he could of told her who I was. This was 13 years ago, he was with the woman he married all the way back then.
Stay tune the story will continue.
I went a little head of myself the last time I wrote about being in the house. My mother worked for the Parks Department, she had a high ranking position she worked with the commissioner. As I mentioned her little church was jammed packed. My boss was impressed with the officials that came to my mothers' funeral.
Mom had insurance that covered the funeral and she had a 401k that she left to her children. We each received almost 80k each. I deposited that money and that night I cried when I wrote checks to pay off all my debts. I brought a brand new 1993 Mazda MVP, I loved that car. It was low mataince, but still a stupid move. I should of gotten a used car, because I had still had to make the payments each month and that became difficult when Mr. 23 picked up his habit again. I had my job that I was embezzlling money from. so I was making the payments and the paying the bills on the house with my salary.
Mr. 23 was responsible for feeding us and some nights that didn't happen. So I took a second job with McDonald's. Father was suppose to watch the kids, keep them out of trouble. His son, who I love as my own moved in because he got arrested and needed to change his address. A place to hide. His son had lots of friends that would come and visit and hang out and smoke their weed. It was okay because I smoked mine too.
My son was running around drinking and smoking and behaving erratic. He got arrested for stealing a Walkman from this kid in school. I used the last of my money to bail him out and pay for a lawyer. The lawyer suggested I take him to the doctor which I did and they sent him to a mental hospital. I had insurance so it was a nice place. When I went to see him they had him strapped to the bed and said he was schizophrenic. Were they crazy! Not my son, he's just smoking weed and drinking too much. How could they give him medication before they tested him. They said he beat up four orderlies. They were lying. I went to the library to learn about mental illness.
My oldest daughter was going to school and hanging with her school friends. She was doing what she was suppose to. My cousin who was staying with us was doing the same. They were smoking weed too. My cousin was from California and the gangs and was a bit gangster. After the cousin went back to California, one of my daughters' friends moved in because her mother didn't care and eventually moved away and abandoned her. Father and I were in the process of getting guardianship.
My youngest daughter use to run the streets. Everyone knew her. She worked in the store packing bags, collecting bottles, shopping for old people and taking care of other kids dogs. She worked hard, but she hated school and she stopped going. I would take her to school and she would run out the other door. The agency for children services investigated me. They had me put a pins warrant on my daughter and she was put in special education and she went to school some what regularly but by the time she was 16 she quit.
Father didn't pay any attention to them. I was working, I would leave at 8 am and not return home until after midnight. On the night I was off I slept. On the weekends I would work 16 hours to help make a 40 hour week. I trusted Father to look out for the kids, but he was chasing crack.
The IGs' came to my job with guns drawn and all. We had to show ID and proved that we belonged. They sealed up our records and we were under investigation. They called me to the State Building and questioned me. They said I wasn 't the focus of their investigation but that didn't make it less scary. Long story short they shut the office down. I was kept on to assist with closing out the records and such. I quit working at McDonald's while I was still working for the home care agency so I could collect the unemployment when it finally closed for good.
McDonalds was a fun job, I loved it. No stress, but it was a lot of work. cleaning the store and running around to serve the customers in less then 3 minutes. I use to have a long line because the regulars wanted me to assist them. I use to work the drive through, both windows, I would take the order and prepare the food for them. They were going to keep me, train me to be a manager, I was already bossing the kids around even the ones that were crew mangers. But I was afraid of getting stuck there and taking a slow trip to the top. Any young person who needs a job, career. McDonald's is the place. They will train you and you could advance over the years to owning your own Franchise. The owner of the store I worked at was 34 and worked for Mc'ds since she was 14. I was 37 too old to start at the bottom.
My son did six months in jail and came home and after a month or two was arrested again, I don't remember for what, I think it was over $10 he stole from some one. They gave him time this time I think he got 5 years. He was in a nice prison but he got paranoid and attacked a guard and they sent him to max and he was treated badly because he attacked a Correction officer. They put him in solidarity confinement for something like 11 months. My son caused all his tribulations, by refusing to take medication. By refusing to follow the rules and regulations. Before he ended up locked for the five years I tried to get him in programs and he wouldn't try. Today he's in rehab because he didn't like the rules of the building he was living in, and also because he wants to get high, and drink. He's in rehab and still complaining about the facility. He wants to do what he wants, when he wants, and always ends up fucking his life up more. He's my son and I love him but I don't know what else to do or say to make him see he has to follow the program and eventually things will work out for him. He doesn't hear, all he does is tell me how much he hates it here, there or where ever he is. I guess he forgot he spent 12 years of his life in prison.
Now I was unemployed and looking for work. Fathers cousins' girlfriend, C and I were hanging out a lot. We were hitting bars, drinking and sniffing drugs. We were close. While we were doing our thing, father and his cousin were doing theres'. C's godfather lived on the other side of town. C told me that she saw Father coming out of the upstairs apartment. Her godfather told her this woman lived up there. I didn't pay it any mind. Until C told me she saw Father at the bus stop with the woman holding a baby. This got my attention. I didn't care if he was having an affair. I mean I was doing my thing and an affair with a woman was better then the affair he was having with the crack and heroin. But having a baby with another woman. Oh no!
Especially when were struggling finaically. We weren't eating regularly and we didn't have heat every month. There were many nights that we went to bed in a cold house. We would all sleep in my bedroom. Use hot plates to cook with and heat the room. We would sleep under tons of blankets and in our coats and hats.
I got a sinus infection. No job meant no insurance but I got antibiotics from the city hospital emergency room. I was given bacitratian which contains sulfa. I was in pain, my head was pounding and I was taking 24 over the counter Tylenol pills a day for about 3 days. I ended up laying in bed, shitting on myself. Father would clean me up and tell me to go to the ER. I refused I told him the antibiotics needed to kick in. Finally he said to hell with this and helped me shower and took me to the ER. I didn't have any fight left. By the time I got to the hospital I had no white blood cell and I damaged my liver with all the Tylenol.
While I was in the hospital father let my oldest daughter and her friend use the car. They crashed the car. Father was going to one hospital to see my son, to another to check on my daughter and then to the next to see me. The car was totaled and the girl whos' mother abandoned her was killed in the car. The way that car looked it's amazing anyone walked out of it alive.
Two weeks or so after I was out the hospital and the girls' funeral. Father was taking me to my follow up doctors' appointment. I stopped in Hallmark to get some thank you cards. He waited outside. When I came out he was talking to this woman. I walked up and stood next to them, this woman stepped in front of me like I had no business being there. So I walked over to Father and put my arm into his. She cut her eyes at me and they finished their conversation. As we walked to the bus stop and he told me he was messing with her friend. I told him he could of told her who I was. This was 13 years ago, he was with the woman he married all the way back then.
Stay tune the story will continue.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Me Verse Lupus: I'm a misfit today
Me Verse Lupus: I'm a misfit today: "I think I have recovered from my thanksgiving. I've been feeling off I guess it's due to the new medication. My stomach gets upset in the ..."
I'm a misfit today
I think I have recovered from my thanksgiving. I've been feeling off I guess it's due to the new medication. My stomach gets upset in the morning and of course I wake up with the headaches. I've been cold most of the time, I thought I was getting a cold but I don't know. I'm not sneezing or coughing more then usual.
I took the medicare stuff over to my daughters and she does understand it and it's still mind boggling to me, so she told me to gather all the info I can and give her permission to speak on my behalf and she'll pick out the best program for me. Right now the monthly cost of my medication is over $3000 dollars. There is no way in hell I can afford that.
My grand kids are really growing up. I enjoyed seeing them and being with my children. I don't want to express what I really feel being with them over the holiday. Only that they put the funk in dysfunctional. I'm just going to say I'm thankful for them. And be happy.
My middle grandchild was going to his fathers' for the rest of the weekend. He came back to Queens with me on Access-A-Ride. His father was suppose to pick him up by 8:30 pm it was after 10 when he says he didn't have carfare or a ride. So my grandson spent the night it was okay.
My mate can be really thoughtful at times. She unpacked and set up my c-pap machine and when she found out my grandson was spending the night she made his bed. I got up that morning and fixed him grits, eggs and bacon that he requested and he enjoyed it. He had some ice cream and then we went out in the yard where he ran around and had some fun. When he came back in he played on the computer. There was no crying or temper tantrums at all. My mate took him to his father.
I wasn't feeling too well all day yesterday and still feel a bit under the weather today. I can't really explain what I feel like. I know I'm falling into a depression. I don't know if it's the holiday coming up and I don't have money to spoil my grandchildren with. The experience I had at my daughters or the uncertainly of who I will wake up with in the morning. My mate is so moody, some days she's a sweet at my daughter sweet potato pie was and some days she's as nasty as the vomit from a drunk.
Any way I feel like a misfit from the land of misfit toys. They were really depressed people in a mental institution you know. I feel like I don't belong anywhere. I don't have my own space, my nerves are on edge all the time. But I'm not going to allow myself to fall into this. I said several weeks ago I'm going to happy for what I have. I have a place to sleep and food to eat. I have twitter, FB and my great support team on Daily Strength. I have my family that are polite to me and talk to me when I call. So all this sad feeling is all in my head.
I don't have to go out this week so I can work on the December birthday cards, my sister, two of my children and a great niece have birthdays. My 99 year old cousin will be 100 on the 22nd of this month and my brother will be celebrating his 38 year wedding anniversary. I also need to get the family newsletter done. I had it started, but the virus wiped everything out so I needed to start from scratch. I like doing it all of this but I get distracted. I feel fatigue but once I start I get on a roll, it's the same with my writing. It's all about getting focused.
I looked at my novel last week and I edited two pages. I don't have much more to write to finish it. I just need to finish it.
On Daily strength they were talking about this drug that gives energy. I'm going to ask my doctors for a prescription. I would love to have more energy. Maybe then I can get out this funk. I'll write more when I start to feel better.
I took the medicare stuff over to my daughters and she does understand it and it's still mind boggling to me, so she told me to gather all the info I can and give her permission to speak on my behalf and she'll pick out the best program for me. Right now the monthly cost of my medication is over $3000 dollars. There is no way in hell I can afford that.
My grand kids are really growing up. I enjoyed seeing them and being with my children. I don't want to express what I really feel being with them over the holiday. Only that they put the funk in dysfunctional. I'm just going to say I'm thankful for them. And be happy.
My middle grandchild was going to his fathers' for the rest of the weekend. He came back to Queens with me on Access-A-Ride. His father was suppose to pick him up by 8:30 pm it was after 10 when he says he didn't have carfare or a ride. So my grandson spent the night it was okay.
My mate can be really thoughtful at times. She unpacked and set up my c-pap machine and when she found out my grandson was spending the night she made his bed. I got up that morning and fixed him grits, eggs and bacon that he requested and he enjoyed it. He had some ice cream and then we went out in the yard where he ran around and had some fun. When he came back in he played on the computer. There was no crying or temper tantrums at all. My mate took him to his father.
I wasn't feeling too well all day yesterday and still feel a bit under the weather today. I can't really explain what I feel like. I know I'm falling into a depression. I don't know if it's the holiday coming up and I don't have money to spoil my grandchildren with. The experience I had at my daughters or the uncertainly of who I will wake up with in the morning. My mate is so moody, some days she's a sweet at my daughter sweet potato pie was and some days she's as nasty as the vomit from a drunk.
Any way I feel like a misfit from the land of misfit toys. They were really depressed people in a mental institution you know. I feel like I don't belong anywhere. I don't have my own space, my nerves are on edge all the time. But I'm not going to allow myself to fall into this. I said several weeks ago I'm going to happy for what I have. I have a place to sleep and food to eat. I have twitter, FB and my great support team on Daily Strength. I have my family that are polite to me and talk to me when I call. So all this sad feeling is all in my head.
I don't have to go out this week so I can work on the December birthday cards, my sister, two of my children and a great niece have birthdays. My 99 year old cousin will be 100 on the 22nd of this month and my brother will be celebrating his 38 year wedding anniversary. I also need to get the family newsletter done. I had it started, but the virus wiped everything out so I needed to start from scratch. I like doing it all of this but I get distracted. I feel fatigue but once I start I get on a roll, it's the same with my writing. It's all about getting focused.
I looked at my novel last week and I edited two pages. I don't have much more to write to finish it. I just need to finish it.
On Daily strength they were talking about this drug that gives energy. I'm going to ask my doctors for a prescription. I would love to have more energy. Maybe then I can get out this funk. I'll write more when I start to feel better.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
My 2Cents Not Worth A Penny: Why are you special?
My 2Cents Not Worth A Penny: Why are you special?: "There’s this joke, you’re so special, both your parents must have been retarded. Have you wonder what makes you special? Do you think you..."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)