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My family

Embrace Today By: K. Wilhelmina Floria

Tears of happiness shall fall,
listen close for your destination call.

A river of tranquility flows through life.

Ride out the eye of the storm, pass the strife.

Monday, November 29, 2010

The continuing drama of 23 years.

Another morning, another headache with heavy dry eyes.  But I feel okay otherwise.  I'm not a misfit today. I'm alive and ready to face the world of cyberspace.  I don't have to go out all week.  My daughters' birthday is on the 7th and she's having a party with her friends on Saturday, so guess where I'll be. Yea baby sitting.  I hope I can store enough energy.  I worked on my newsletter yesterday, I designed  the front only thing is I set it up as a poster so all the work was for naught.  The cover is the hardest part because I add the graphics.  Noe I have to do it over again. What else do I have to do?  I started my sisters' birthday card, just six more to go.  To think I wanted to go into the card making business.  I need to just concentrate on my writing.  It's what I enjoy and it has no demands yet.

I went a little head of myself the last time I wrote about being in the house. My mother worked for the Parks Department, she had a high ranking position she worked with the commissioner.  As I mentioned her little church was jammed packed.  My boss was impressed with the officials that came to my mothers' funeral.

Mom had insurance that covered the funeral and she had a 401k that she left to her children.  We each received almost 80k each.  I deposited that money and that night I cried when I wrote checks to pay off all my debts.  I brought a brand new 1993 Mazda MVP, I loved that car. It was low mataince, but still a stupid move.  I should of gotten a used car, because I had still had to make the payments each month and that became difficult when Mr. 23 picked up his habit again. I had my job that I was embezzlling money from. so I was making the payments and the paying the bills on the house with my salary. 

Mr. 23 was responsible for feeding us and some nights that didn't happen. So I took a second job with McDonald's. Father was suppose to watch the kids, keep them out of trouble.  His son, who I love as my own moved in because he got arrested and needed to change his address. A place to hide. His son had lots of friends that would come and visit and hang out and smoke their weed.  It was okay because I smoked mine too. 

My son was running around drinking and smoking and behaving erratic.  He got arrested for stealing a Walkman from this kid in school. I used the last of my money to bail him out and pay for a lawyer.  The lawyer suggested I take him to the doctor which I did and they sent him to a mental hospital.  I had insurance so it was a nice place.  When I went to see him they had him strapped to the bed and said he was schizophrenic.  Were they crazy! Not my son, he's just smoking weed and drinking too much.  How could they give him medication before they tested him.  They said he beat up four orderlies.  They were lying. I went to the library to learn about mental illness.

My oldest daughter was going to school and hanging with her school friends. She was doing what she was suppose to.  My cousin who was staying with us was doing the same. They were smoking weed too. My cousin was from California and the gangs and was a bit gangster. After the cousin went back to California, one of my daughters' friends moved in because her mother didn't care and eventually moved away and abandoned her. Father and I were in the process of getting guardianship.

My youngest daughter use to run the streets.  Everyone knew her.  She worked in the store packing bags, collecting bottles, shopping for old people and taking care of other kids dogs.  She worked hard, but she hated school and she stopped going. I would take her to school and she would run out the other door.  The agency for children services investigated me. They had me put a pins warrant on my daughter and she was put in special education and she went to school some what regularly but by the time she was 16 she quit.

Father didn't pay any attention to them. I was working, I would leave at 8 am and not return home until after midnight.  On the night I was off I slept.  On the weekends I would work 16 hours to help make a 40 hour week.  I trusted Father to look out for the kids, but he was chasing crack.

The IGs' came to my job with guns drawn and all.  We had to show ID and proved that we belonged.  They sealed up our records and we were under investigation.  They called me to the State Building and questioned me.  They said I wasn 't the focus of their investigation but that didn't make it less scary.  Long story short they shut the office down.  I was kept on to assist with closing out the records and such.  I quit working at McDonald's while I was still working for the home care agency so I could collect the unemployment when it finally closed for good.

McDonalds was a fun job, I loved it.  No stress, but it was a lot of work. cleaning the store and running around to serve the customers in less then 3 minutes.  I use to have a long line because the regulars wanted me to assist them.  I use to work the drive through, both windows, I would take the order and prepare the food for them. They were going to keep me, train me to be a manager, I was already bossing the kids around even the ones that were crew mangers.  But I was afraid of getting stuck there and taking a slow trip to the top.  Any young person who needs a job, career. McDonald's is the place.  They will train you and you could advance over the years to owning your own Franchise.  The owner of the store I worked at was 34 and worked for Mc'ds since she was 14.  I was 37 too old to start at the bottom.

My son did six months in jail and came home and after a month or two was arrested again, I don't remember for what, I think it was over $10 he stole from some one. They gave him time this time I think he got 5 years.  He was in a nice prison but he got paranoid and attacked a guard and they sent him to max and he was treated badly because he attacked a Correction officer. They put him in solidarity confinement for something like 11 months.  My son caused all his tribulations, by refusing to take medication. By refusing to follow the rules and regulations.  Before he ended up locked for the five years I tried to get him in programs and he wouldn't try.  Today he's in rehab because he didn't like the rules of the building he was living in, and also because he wants to get high, and drink.  He's in rehab and still complaining about the facility.  He wants to do what he wants, when he wants, and always ends up fucking his life up more.  He's my son and I love him but I don't know what else to do or say to make him see he has to follow the program and eventually things will work out for him.  He doesn't hear, all he does is tell me how much he hates it here, there or where ever he is.  I guess he forgot he spent 12 years of his life in prison.

Now I was unemployed and looking for work. Fathers cousins' girlfriend, C and I  were hanging out a lot.  We were hitting bars, drinking and sniffing drugs. We were close.  While we were doing our thing, father and his cousin were doing theres'.  C's godfather lived on the other side of town. C told me that she saw Father coming out of the upstairs apartment. Her godfather told her this woman lived up there. I didn't pay it any mind. Until C told me she saw Father at the bus stop with the woman holding a baby.  This got my attention.  I didn't care if he was having an affair.  I mean I was doing my thing and an affair with a woman was better then the affair he was having with the crack and heroin. But having a baby with another woman. Oh no!

Especially when were struggling finaically.  We weren't eating regularly and we didn't have heat every month.  There were many nights that we went to bed in a cold house.  We would all sleep in my bedroom.  Use hot plates to cook with and heat the room.  We would sleep under tons of blankets and in our coats and hats.

 I got a sinus infection. No job meant no insurance but I got antibiotics from the city hospital emergency room.  I was given bacitratian which contains sulfa.  I was in pain, my head was pounding and I was taking 24 over the counter Tylenol pills a day for about 3 days.  I ended up laying in bed, shitting on myself.  Father would clean me up and tell me to go to the ER. I refused I told him the antibiotics needed to kick in.  Finally he said to hell with this and helped me shower and took me to the ER.  I didn't have any fight left. By the time I got to the hospital I had no white blood cell and I damaged my liver with all the Tylenol. 

While I was in the hospital father let my oldest daughter and her friend use the car.  They crashed the car. Father was going to one hospital to see my son, to another to check on my daughter and then to the next to see me.  The car was totaled and the girl whos' mother abandoned her was killed in the car. The way that car looked it's amazing anyone walked out of it alive.

Two weeks or so after I was out the hospital and the girls' funeral. Father was taking me to my follow up doctors' appointment.  I stopped in Hallmark to get some thank you cards.  He waited outside.  When I came out he was talking to this woman.  I walked up and stood next to them, this woman stepped in front of me like I had no business being there. So I walked over to Father and put my arm into his.  She cut her eyes at me and they finished their conversation. As we walked to the bus stop and he told me he was messing with her friend. I told him he could of told her who I was.  This was 13 years ago, he was with the woman he married all the way back then.

Stay tune the story will continue.

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Embrace today.