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My family

Embrace Today By: K. Wilhelmina Floria

Tears of happiness shall fall,
listen close for your destination call.

A river of tranquility flows through life.

Ride out the eye of the storm, pass the strife.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Three physical fights three ass whoppings

I slept for 5 hours straight.  I went to sleep after midnight and didn't get up to go to the bathroom until after 5am.  We had a terrible storm last night.  They say it was a tornado, it didn't affect my area, just thunder and heavy rain.  I love that kind of weather, with all the turmoil around me it soothes me inside.  Some think I'm crazy.  I had/have even though I haven't spoken to her in months, a friend who would hide in a closet when it stormed. My mate was in Manhattan for rehearsal in a new choir.  She finished at 9:30pm and didn't get home until almost 12:30 pm.  I was up waiting. I was on FB multi-tasking, chatting with 3 people and sending messages back and forth with another and reading the wall and playing free cell all at the same time.  No brain fog last night! It made me happy that someone took the time for me. 

I have no one to talk to, or who talks to me.  My mate, she's always telling me to be quiet and telling me I don't know what I'm talking about.  She keeps me on a short lease.  I am sitting in a chair with a pillow that is so uncomfortable. If I move it she tells me to put it back. She says the chair smells like ass.  I give my opinion about something on the news, I don't know what I'm talking about. It sucks. I'm not a fighter so I just let it go it's not important. Just like I told her about the weather, she dismissed me, until she was riding around last night and couldn't get home.  I try to eat right and she tempts me with big breakfasts, and then lunch like 2 hours later and dinner.  If I'm not hungry she calls me to eat. Like eating is a major issue.  If I try to cut out meat, she says,  "you can eat meat." I try to make changes to my diet that I've heard, read or was told. But if she  hears it form someone like Dr. Oz, her mother or someone besides me say it, it's worth listening to.  She doesn't know how that makes me feel, and she doesn't care.  I mean all she has to do is listen and not dismiss me, like a someone of no value.

She has her own issues.  The second youngest of 7 children, what they say about the runt?  They grow up to be the fighters and she is.  She is a bully and I tell her that all the time.  She can be nice, sweet but it's her house, her world and I can visit in but not be apart of, my opinions are irrelevant if they don't coincide with what she thinks.  It's do as I say and there is no room for negotiations. So I have no one in my life. I am alone.  Why do you think I'm writing all my intimate thoughts and feelings.  Because I need to talk to someone that will listen and let me talk.  I'm not worried about being judge, let he without fault shoot the first bullet. Or go on Jerry Springer.  I don't think my life is that sick.  I was just stupid, misguided and with out any goals except to be a published writer.  Well this is my public writing.  I'm just not getting paid for it.

I've been saying I'm alone for years, and it's true.  I've always been the sounding board for everyone to tell their problems too, share their joys with.  But no one hears me.  I want to be heard, I want to know someone cares for real.  Telling me you love doesn't mean shit if you do things that say different.

 I'm not a fighter, I had three fights in my life and all three times I got my ass kicked.  The first fight was with this girl I grew up with.  It was over my sister. 

The next was when I went to a slumber party and the next morning I went to the store with my friend.  The guy who worked behind the counter was fine, he had a body that was cut all over.  This girl came in the store and bumped into me and told me to say excuse me, and I told her she bumped into me.  Sarcastically she said , 'oh excuse me'.  No problem so I thought, when we left the store, my ice cream sandwich broke off and fell to the ground and my friend yelled one of those, Ha-ha laughs real loud. This bitch came running back up the street lick a 18 wheeler with the two women chasing after her.  She snatched me and held me in a choke hold and kept punching me in the head. I had a knot on my head for days.  What happen was the guy in the store was her man and she wanted everyone to be aware of that.  It took three women to pull her off of me. My boyfriend, (the same one that gave me the trey bag of refeer,) I'm going to call him P, told me later that he had a fight with her and she almost kicked his ass. I've seen her as an adult and she doesn't know who I am. She married that man and they had children.

The next fight I had was in high school.  That girl I hung out with had this boyfriend, he had a brother.  So when we were over her boyfriends house, I fucked the brother.  He had a woman and they had a son.  What the hell did I care, it was sex, nothing more. My friend told everyone I was her man's brothers' new woman. The next day she came up to my school.  I had on my rabbit coat, didn't take it off either.  This bitch dug her fingers in my face and left scars, the only thing I did was bite her finger.  However, she had to get a tetanus shot and stitches.  But my face had scars. My friend, the same one and I dropped some acid later, when  I left her I went to Ps' house. I didn't want to go home cause I was tripping. He had just robbed someone and didn't want to go outside but he said I needed something to come down with. So he told me to wait in his room until he returned.  He had all these velvet poster that glowed in black light. The ones that looked like you were in a maze. I was bugging, I couldn't stay in there so I left.

The reason I mention P is because he was cute, yellow boy with light brown eyes. That boy was something.  He had all these girlfriends. Thinking about him today he wasn't all that. Well this group of girls used him as an excuse to jump me. I was with him in the park with my brother and his wife, my nephew and my brothers' friend. These girls came up and threatened me.  My brother and sister-in-law protected me.  They argued with the girls and my brother was about to kick some ass when one of them said something about my mother.  Nothing happen but I saw my brother in a different light.  I always knew my sister-in-law was a hell raiser even though she was quiet around the family.

Later I saw the girl who was suppose to be messing with P in the movie theater. She told me those girls wanting to jump me had nothing to do with her.  They wanted to jump me because I was a pretty and light skin and the fine guys wanted me.  I didn't know any of them. 
I started believing my looks were a curse and wanted to be ugly. I washed my ass, combed my hair but didn't care how I looked.   I was exotic people use to say.  Bed room eyes, what they called good hair. Vanilla wafer complexion that was clear, free of any acne.  Thin nose, perfect lips, high cheek bones.    I was called stuck up, conceited.  When I was befriend I was usually used or set up.  So I ended up with very few friends.  My sister-in-laws' sister didn't like me until one day we went to Rockaway Play land and went off to smoke a joint together.  We left my sister-in-law with her son, little sister, little brother, her niece and my sister.  We didn't think we were gone that long,  when we came back we were fucked up, three of us on one joint, some guy gave me. Sister-In-Law was piss with us because we left her with the kids.  But now I had a friend that I could really talk to.   I had my friend from church but she lived further away.  I had my school friends but I couldn't hang out with them, they didn't live on my block. Remember I couldn't go anywhere, probably why I played hooky from school. With my sister-in-law sister I could leave the block and hang out with her. I love her so much. We talked about everything and did everything together.  When I had my son I lived with her and her man. We sat up drank beer and smoked refeer.  That's where I meet my daughters' father. One night she wanted to test her man and me and sent him to get in bed with me. It was crazy we do anything.  She didn't want to be my friend, after a few months, I went to her house and extended the olive branch and we kinda made up but it was never the same.  Her little sister was always trying to throw daggers.  Once when a friend from elementary school came up to visit me we were talking.  We were like 19 and I read and article about working, it said that what ever field you start working in that's the field you would always working in.  I had mention to my school friend that my in-law would probably always work in a factory, she had already worked there for about 2 years.  Her sister misinterpreted and my in-law questioned me like I was her enemy. 

Once she baby sat my son and when I came home from work one day, he was drunk. She was drinking beer and didn't pay any attention to him when he was following behind her drinking the beer she put down. We remained friends but I was caution about what I said around her.

I gave birth, my sister-in-law had a baby a month before and her sister had a baby a month after. We all had girls, my sister-in-laws baby died.  I told her her sister I wouldn't take the babies clothes if she offered. I was 19 I didn't know anything about losing a child, I didn't know anything about some one close dying.  The little sister of course  misinterpreted  and told my sister-in-law who understood what I was saying.

One night we were at my apartment and my friend suggested we put on bath robes and go in the living room and take them off in front of our men and we did. And we had a foursome.  Later her man couldn't handle it and beat her, she ran to my house half naked.  He followed her the next day and came to the house and broke the glass.  I called the police and my man told him, so he left. She went home behind him.  Our relationship was strain since then.  Years later she married him. I talk to her now and then but we are from two different worlds like I am with everyone in my life.  From that incident I learned that women who are beaten by their men will stay in the relationship no matter what you say or do.  I've been around many men that beat their women.

Mr. 23 use to beat women.  He told me some horror stories of how he use to be before me.  His family told me I calmed him down.  His friends all hated me because he change. He didn't want to hit me but he did.  He throw a dictionary at me once, hit me in the head with it.  When he was smoking that PCP soaked in cigarettes he came home had me strip naked and beat my ass with a paddle, I couldn't sit comfortable and my ass was black and blue for days.  He left and went to the gorrillas' house, who is now his wife. He said he didn't trust himself around me.  I was hurt and after a night or two I called that womens' house to see if he was okay. (Oh she use to call my house and I had caller ID). When I met the women I'm with he was so pissed that he hit me in the eye and gave me the first black eye I ever had, (oh and last.)  Those were the only physical abuse I had.  He use to wrestle me and force me to have sex, but causing physical harm what I mention was all. I was verbally abused like I am now. I guess I'm so sensitive and emotional all you go to say is boo to make me cry.

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Embrace today.