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My family

Embrace Today By: K. Wilhelmina Floria

Tears of happiness shall fall,
listen close for your destination call.

A river of tranquility flows through life.

Ride out the eye of the storm, pass the strife.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Another lupus day-tears and turning belly

It's 7:21 am.  I didn't go to bed last night, er this morning until almost 1 am.  I am tired, but insomnia is lurking around. I don't have Benadryl, I purposely didn't get any because I know it effects the brain. I don't need anything else fucking with my memory. I woke up and felt like I had to vomit, I sat on the tub and stuck my head in the bowl.  I guess you would call it dry heaving, because I have nothing to bring up.  I even put my fingers down my throat but nothing. I'm sitting here and I feel my stomach turning.  Looking at my Cellcept but afraid to take them, but I got to, I can't eat for two hours before or after and the longer I wait to take them the later it will be before I eat. Also the headache subsides after I take them. I have a lot of phlegm in my throat and lungs too.  I'm still not going to the emergency room.  I don't want to sit in there all day, I don't think it's anything serious. It's probably  my sinus or allergies.  I'll take some Claritian tonight. Two weeks and I'll be seeing new doctors I can hold out.

I realize I'm writing this blog so I can talk to someone.  Well no one is answering me, but I need to let shit go.

There are still things I haven't revealed, things that I'm ashamed of one is I had this dog.  My youngest daughter use to bring home every stray.  Well this particular dog was a female, she got pregnant.  I left her in the back yard, in the hot sun for days and didn't have the energy to feed her or give her water.  I let this dog starve to death, her and her babies.  This was some 20 years ago but it still haunts me. I can't believe I let something like that happen. My daughter also had a hamster that she stopped taking care of.  I don't like them and won't touch them.  But it had a water tube that I could pull out the tank, so I would give it water and I would throw the food in the tank until I made her give it away.  So maybe I wasn't that heartless.  But I know the dog will cost me when God judges me.  I don't even remember the dogs' name.

She brought another puppy, he was full of mange.  I treated the mange with over the counter meds from the pet store.  My step son and his friends use to kick him around and treat him like shit.  But I took good care of him.  His name was Shaquan.  He grew to be a beautiful dog, he was big.  I kept him in the basement away from everyone who treated him bad.  Only me and my daughters fed him and showed him love.  He was one of the best dogs I had.  He wouldn't let anyone near me or my daughters, that included my man and step son. If they moved too fast he'd growl at them and snap.  He was an excellent guard dog.  I came home one day and he was gone.  Someone gave him away.

I was living in the projects when my mother died.  I had just got my bills caught up, I didn't owe rent.  On April 29th it was Mr. 23 years birthday.  I had a car my brother gave me that didn't go any faster then 35mph.  I had got into a habit of talking to my mother every night. Finally getting close after 33 years.  We talked about what we were having for dinner, what I did at work and what she did that day.  On the 29th she said she was having pains in her chest, but said the doctor told her she had gallstones that morning and that's what it was.  I vowed I would go stop by on the way to work. But I was running late so I went straight to work.  Before I sat at my desk I got a call, the receptionist told me it was my mothers' neighbor. That was odd. I rushed to my mothers' as fast as I could.  Why didn't I get someone to take me?  Why didn't I just go to work late?

When I got here the paramedics were working on her and wouldn't let me go upstairs. When they came down I told them that last night she was having chest pains and assumed it was her gallstone. Why didn't I go to her house that night. Damn!! She died, they said it was a heart attack.

My aunt called and asked me if I was going to move in the house.  I told her I would. I didn't think about it.  My grandmother was living in the house.  She had osteoporosis and need someone to be with her. I never wanted a house, I knew how much work it was.  I knew I couldn't afford a house. I moved in that old house that was falling apart. I tried to take care of Gran, but it wasn't easy.  Mr. 23 years started getting high again, so it was a struggle keeping food on the table.  I did the best I could but I believe I could have taken better care of my grandmother.  One morning I went to the bathroom after her, she soiled the toilet.  When I came out the bathroom she was laying on the side of the bed, I called her and she didn't answer. I called 911 and they told us to put her on the floor and do CPR, Mr. 23 years did this.  She was alive when they carried her out.  I followed the ambulance to the hospital, by the time I got there and found parking she died. If you think the dog that died in the backyard haunts me. 

I'm a terrible person.  I guess that's why I get no respect, one reason I miss work.  I was respected there and I made decisions that were valued.  Today my mate treats me like I'm stupid.  I can tell her something and she will disagree with me until someone else tells her the same thing.  I brought a cork board. She originally wanted to put it on the wall by the steps.  Good place in my opinion, you can see it as you walk upstairs and the notes we would put on it.  Great reminder. But now she wants to put it on the closet door, where the calender is.  I won't use it, the calender is usually 2 months behind because neither of us looks at it.  When she wanted to get a cork board I was great, it'll help me with memory.  Now it will be in a place I would have to remember to look.  My opinion ain't shit, and I'm not one to argue.  So I do what I always do in my relationships.  I back down and keep my opinions to myself.  Well now I express it on this blog. She won't read anyway.  If it's not important to her it's irrelevant..

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