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My family

Embrace Today By: K. Wilhelmina Floria

Tears of happiness shall fall,
listen close for your destination call.

A river of tranquility flows through life.

Ride out the eye of the storm, pass the strife.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

I wasn't a mean person but I was that night.

4:45 am, I went to bed about 11:30 pm, I woke up to go to the bathroom for the first time at 1:45am then about every hour and a half.  At 4:45 am my mind started it's busy thoughts. I try to clear my head with the meditation technique of emptying your head of thoughts, trying to make my mind blank.  It's hard to do when you have on the c-pap machine, you know, inhaling through your nose and exhaling through your mouth.  I'm suppose to keep my mouth close. I got out the bed at 5:30am,  Another headache, my pressure is not too bad 142/77 temperature 96.8. I don't know the last time it was 98.6. I wonder if that's because my body is dying. your body is cold when you die.

I got the bill for the insurance yesterday, I sent the money order right back. I should have coverage by October 1st.  I hope I find good doctors, one who can treat my breathing issues.  I'm so anxious to find out about the Pulmonary Hypertension.  I don't know if it's in my head, but I think my breathing is getting worst.  I litterly feel myself struggling to catch my breath. I can't walk across the room without getting winded.  I keep sucking air in and pushing it out, like I can't get enough air in my lungs.  My back hurts where my left lung is, it's been hurting off and on since I broke my leg 1/09.  I fell down the steps and I hit my back which was bruised, I assumed that's what it was. Now it's always hurting, sometimes it's a sharp pain. My chest hurts also, feels tight but is lets up. It's not unbearable, it may just be heartburn.  I'm not going to the ER, they'll either find a reason to admit me or find nothing wrong.  So I'll wait and see if it passes.

I hope to find a Rheumatologist who will reduce my steroids and help me feel normal.  I don't know the person living in this body.  I am a foreigner to myself. My head is always foggy first of all and second it's hard to accept being chronically ill.  I'm always wishing I wasn't sick.  Wishing that instead of getting up in the morning because I can't sleep, instead I wish, I could sleep but have to get up and go to work. Right now I feel that my life has no meaning. That I'm existing not living.  I hope I find a doctor who can give me a life that's some kind of normal.

My oldest daughter called me twice yesterday. My phone hardly ever rings.  The week before last my son brought his stuff to my daughters for her to hold until he gets out of rehab.  His TV is bigger and clearer. Her TV has these lines on the top distorting the picture.  So I told my son to switch the TVs'. My daughter wasn't happy because she couldn't turn his TV down because there is no button.  You have to use a thin stick to push the button in the hole, too much trouble.  So this past week I had my son switch the TVs' back.  My daughter has an invitation for a city job interview, she says the letter was on the TV, and we lost it.  I feel so bad, I mean she should have put her papers away, especially since I told her I would get her brother to move the TVs' back. But I swear I didn't see her letter.  I'll leave her alone for a while, she's too busy for me anyway. I annoy her anyway.

I was thinking about when one of my girlfriends had her 15th birthday party.  I was 14, it wouldn't be a party without some liquor and reefer.  I brought three bottles of  'Wild Irish Rose', ninety-eight cents a bottle. I also brought a trey bag of reefer.  I drank one bottle by myself, one bottle I shared with a few people on the back steps in my girlfriends building.  The last bottle I poured in the punch.  I was fucked up!! I got sick and threw up in the bathroom.  The party took me out side to get some air. I don't remember much but after walking some I started getting it together.  This guy that worked in the grocery store, who liked me joined us as we were walking.  I remember him dressed in all white, he was very dark.  He had a walking stick with a ball on top.  It was the 70's, Superfly, the Mack, era, he was steppin', as we use to say.  He came over to me to help me and I started laughing and said, "aw, look at wart." He had bad acne, I was the only person that didn't call him that.  he backed away from me and I never saw him after that.  I was never a cruel person, well not to people I knew personnaly.  To this day I still feel bad and wish I had a chance to tell him how sorry I was.  It was the liquor talking.  But trust me I was able to hold my liquor from that day on.

Except in the year I was getting sick.  That year I got sick I was drinking like I had a unsatisfied thirst, I found this guy who sold some good cocaine, weight was good and the quality was superb, I could add more cut to it. I was making good money so I could afford the rich man drugs, I wasn't smoking crack.

I'm shaking my head cause I hurt myself.  I deserve what life had given me.

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