Religion and me.

It's a new day.  I feel a bit tired as usual, head ache is gone, got out the bed at 7am.  My mate was on the computer so I had a late start. While she checked her emails, I juiced some honeydew melon, it's in the freezer waiting for 9 am for me to drink.  I'll take my meds with it and be full for about an hour and half almost 2 hours.  That's what's good about juicing, low calories and getting full.  It's just a lot of work. cutting and cleaning the veggies and after the juicer.  If I had the energy and the money to juice all day I would.  I love the way veggies taste juiced with apples.  I use to juice about 20 years ago, I lost a lot of weight and I lost fast.  I also felt good. My head was clear, more energy.  In fact I was pretty health conscious 30 years ago, I use to stop eating meat. My kids hated it.  After awhile I craved my meat and had to have some beef.  I guess I could have handled it if I ate chicken and turkey, you See when I gave up meat I was what they call a vegan today. No milk, eggs or cheese. I even drank wheat grass, it taste good to me a little like liquorice. I wanted to get an extractor and buy the wheat grass, but expensive.


Yesterday I started making 6 greeting cards.  I designed them and worded them.  I put glitter and stickers on two and have 4 more to go. I have a nephew, a cousin and his wife, a nephews wife a step nephew and my brother birthdays all from the 17 to the 20th. I'm going to try and do cards on Monday and Tuesday to sell. Another one of my projects that's not taking off.  I need help in setting up a website and getting the information for receiving money through my pay pal account.  Then of course, I think they look nice and I get compliments for them, but there's that nagging bitch in my head that says, anyone can make cards, they aren't going to pay me $5 to do what they can do for themselves.

Damn that lupus, I just had an anxiety attack and right after my stomach got nausea and I throw up nothing but phlem. I still have a half hour before I can drink my juice.

Well my laying in bed thought this morning was religion.  I believe in God and the higher power, is his name Allah, Jah, Jehovah, Elohim, or I Am, I don't know.  But I do believe there is one God, but I don't believe in  religion.  I had a problem with religion from when I was a little girl. I went to catholic school and church.  In fact I was baptised on 2/4/1960 the day after I was born.  I had jaundice and they didn't expect me to live, I had a blood transfusion and was in the hospital for a month or so after I was born.  I started out sickly, it's only fitting I end my days sick.

Back on track, I had my holy communion, conformation and went to confession, I think this is why I'm revealing all this, it's my confession.  Yea to an open forum because I don't believe in religion but still haunted by the practices of the religion I grew up on. 

I became disenchanted with the Catholic religion when I realized the nuns and priest were teaching us not to lie and they were liars.  They taught God was love, and not to fear God, but would tell us God sees all and will punish us if we were bad, but if we were bad and we confess our sins, we would be forgiven.  If we were bad in school then we were threaten with the spanking machine. Which later I learned was the mimmograph machine making noise behind a closed door.  So I was searching and growing up hearing King and Malcom on TV, speaking abput racism, even though I didn't experience, black white racism.  I did however feel racism from dark skin black.  Another story.

There's a group called the 5 percenters. Elijah Muhammad recieved his teachings, from Wallace D. Muhammad, Elijah taught the black folk a religion from the East with lessons relevant for the decendants of slaves.  It gave us pride and told us we were the orginal people of this earth and called the white man the devil.  The teaching had, lost for a better word, haters, and one who disagreed with Elijah. He taught a group called the 5 percenters, he was the father, Clarence X.  He added an alphapbet to the teachings and he recruited and taught the young.  We were like soldiers, faithful to the words and cause, but still able to drink, smoke and drug.  The women wore long dresses and covered their heads.  The women were earths' and the men gods.  I was introduced when I was 14.  I met me 23 years and he was in the nation and taught me the lessons.  It was a language that we spoke to each other and we were teaching the children.  I was submissive and true to the teachings.  I could quote the lessons with out a second thought. But for me 23 years, drugs became his god and I drifted.  I wanted to celebrate Christmas, I wanted  to wear tight jeans and fix my hair.  So I stopped studing.

I was with the first homecare agency when  the women I worked with, wanted to save me, they would take me to their churches. We use to gather in the nurses office and say morning prays.  I believed in God that never ever changed but I had a problem with religion.  The 5 percent wasn't a religion it's a way of life and the lessons are good if you are dicipline.  Mr. 23 years wasn't, oh he could quote the lessons at a drop of a dime but he didn't live the life, when he was out there stealing, lying and drugging.

I always read books, I read books about history, memory I can't think of anyone except  J. A. Rogers. I enjoyed reading about Egypt and the pharohs.  I enjoy the old testment, the Koran is difficult but I've read it. I 've read the haddith, the Torah.  I found Quballa and loved the mystsicms to it. I believe I am spiritual and I know God but I follow no mans' religion.  God speaks in my heart and he knows what's in my heart.  I am thankful for the life he has given me, for the things he has shown me and I believe I have a purpose and reason for this exsistance in this world.

I believe I'm a good person, I try to help people when I can.  I try ont to speak negative to, or about any one.  I don't use the Lords' name in vain and cringe any time someone says G** damn. I try to see the good in people instead of the bad. But as I've said I am human and we are flawed and I make mistakes and pray for forgiveness.