When I was shady I was confident

I'm tired today.  Like always I over did. I woke up at 4:30am yesterday cause I couldn't get back to sleep.  When I got to my daughters' house,  I took a walk to the grocery store, shopped and walked back to my daughters.  I had my two grand babies with me and my son who was a blessing.  I brought stuff to make chili, rice and bread pudding.  They liked the chili, but didn't care for the bread pudding. My son helped, washed dishes as I worked, opened cans, fried the ground beef. When everything was done my youngest daughter came and dropped off my grandson, she fix the kids plate of food. Two of the neighborhood kids came over and I fed them too. I cleaned up the kitchen, by the time I finished their grandfather came in and put them to bed.  as usual I slept on the love seat.  I am 5'7" and as we all know over 300 pounds.  So by this time on Fridays I am drained. This is an example of lupus being unpredictable, my nose is stuffy, my right ear is clogged and my throat is itchy.  My breathing is heavy also. I don't feel sick so I don't know if it's the tiredness or a flare.

 My babies are being great today.  Only a few fights, and they are using their in door voices most of the time. I will be getting in the shower pretty soon and just relax until 8 pm when my ride is due.

While laying in the bed, I mean on the love seat this morning I was thinking about the last time I felt totally confident and that was when I was 16.  I was young and beautiful with  my future ahead of me. I learned how to balance going to classes, cutting, and playing hooky without too much negative attention.  I was a cocky kid. Knew everything, crazy when thinking about it I could of been out on the street.  I saw this show the other night about these teenage girls who got picked up by pimps and were forced to prostitute.  They were stuck and believed they weren't good for anything else.  That could of been me.

My mother was diagnosed with lupus when I was 16.  I don't know what she was going through.  All I know was that she lost her hair.  She had to be around 48 years old, and going through menopause. On night I said something to my mother and it is by the Grace of God that I am still alive to write this blog today.  My mother raised her hand to slap me in the mouth.  I backed up and her hand came down on this crystal punch bowl and shattered it in a million pieces.  I don't know what I said to my mother, but whatever it was it really pissed her off. If her hand connected with my head I would of shattered the punch bowl with my head.  Back then when your mom said, 'I brought you in this world I'll take you out' they meant it. Today I'm truly sorry.

I was so full of my self when I didn't have a damn thing, I was stealing money from my aunt and uncle and not ten, twenty dollars. I was stealing hundreds.  I figured I had enough to go away if I needed to.  What was I doing with that money? Buying my cigarettes, refeer, beer and what ever junk food I wanted.  It's crazy that the time I felt the most confident I was the most shady. I was stealing from myself, that money was for bills, despite all my thieving the lights, heat and water stayed on.  I was an idiot, in more ways then one.  When my brother called me a fuck up, I really was.

God forgive me for my ignorance of youth.

meverselupus