My Baby Boy

Another day that the Lord has blessed me with.  I woke up about 5 am it took a while before I was able to fall back to sleep but only until 8am.  which is good because I will be able to have breakfast early.  I have to wait 2 hours after I take my cellcept.  Doc says it works best on an empty stomach.  I had my morning headache and my eyes are acting funny but I feel pretty good.  Except a bit guilty about the bread pudding. It is delicious, but well I'm over 300 pounds, I'm not going to lose any weight like that.

I hope to start on my family newsletter.  First I need to see if I can find any info on our ancestors.  I think I'm hitting a brick wall with that. 

My son is going to be 33 years old in December.  He was born a month early, yet he weighted 5 pounds 2 ounces.  You see I probably caused his early birth.  My sister and I went for a walk, we went to this guys' apartment. They were smoking reefer.  I took a drag, the next day I was in labor. It took 36 hours for him to be born.  He had a perforated abdomen and need surgery to close a hole in his belly. He was born on the 17th and cut on the 19th.  He was my heart, I loved that baby so much. His father was in jail of course, and we wrote to each other and I promised to take care of his baby.  When they opened him the hole had sealed it self. He had an IV in his ankle that tore his skin so it had to be put in his head, he still has the scars.  It was about two weeks before I got to hold my baby, I could touch him through the incerbator but it wasn't the same.  The nurses said he melted when you held him when he was finaly  able to be held.

He was a good baby, smart, helpful.  I meet Mr. 23 years and I moved into a hotels with him, another story I only mention it to say that I exposed my 4 year old son to pimps, transvesties, hookers and drug dealers.  I don't know what he saw or heard.  I did teach him, his colors, his alphabets, shapes and sizes.  He even knew some words.  We moved to Jersey City, poor ass city, well it was when I was there.  The apartment we had was full of roaches and mice and no heat except a week before and after the welfare checks came on the 1st. 

My son started school, the teacher loved him.  She was impressed how smart he was.  But I couldn't stay there with a new baby so I moved home to moms'.  I put him in the neighborhood school.  They didn't have room so they squeezed him in the 1st grade with the kids that got left back and were bad.  My son picked up bad habits and I didn't know I had the right to have him taken out of that class.  This is why teenagers shouldn't become mothers, no matter how mature you think you are.

In the second grade we were living in the basement of my man's father's house.  It was unfinished, only one room and the bathroom was down the other end where the boiler room was and the room was unfinished.
His step father use to peek at us having sex.  We had my son and two daughters in the room with us.  I was a stupid woman, no girl I was just  24. My son was sick.  I took him to er and they said he had a virus, it was right after Christmas and they had a bunch of kids in the er.  My man noticed that my son was in a lot of pain so I called mom and she took us back to the er.  I carried my 7 year old son into the hospital and they knew something was wrong when they saw me carring a child almost as big as me.  I was skinny then.  It turned out he had an appendixitis and it erupted.  Another hospital stay.  Oh he was in the hospital when he was about 2 years old.  He had a stich left from when he had surgery as a baby.

My son started having problems in school and it was mandated that I take him to therapy.  He was deemed intellegent and there were no issues.  We moved into the projects.  Finally a real family life.  My man was on crack and herion but still we had an apartment and a somewhat normal life.  I smoked my refeer around my kids, I drank and smoked cigarettes on the weekends.  I didn't see anything wrong with it. On New Years Eve I would let them toast the year in with a glass of liqour.

My son was getting in trouble, stealing and what not.  My sister and her husband offered to take him and get him out of the city.  They had a child that had cancer and my son was really an added burden.  My mother died and we moved into her house.  My man had been clean and sobber for several months.  But those people, places, and things. Anyway my son came back home and was getting in trouble. He was arrested twice in like a few days, for shoplifting, then for robbing a kid in school.  One night he was playing chest with my man and he started crying.  He told my man he was seeing these things flying around..  I don't remember how we ended up taking him to the doctor but they had him admited to a psysic ward.  He was diagnoised mentally ill.

He was 16 and from that point he went in and out of the hospital then in and out of jail.  He spent two years in jail for stealing $10 and 7 years in jail for stealing a walkman.  He's been home for a year now and I pray he finds some peace and happiness.  He's what's called a MICA patient.  Mentally Ill Chemical Abuser.  He's an addict and falls off the wagon. His parole officer violated him a bout 6 weeks ago and he's going to be going away for 45 days to rehab.  Thank God not back upstate.

You see I'm all he has.  I ask his sisters to keep in touch with him but they have their own lives.  He's met women since he's been home but so far he hasn't found someone special.  The other night he went out and had a good time, the woman he says, is just a friend he met in the hospital.  You see not only does he have his mental health issues, he suffers from loniliness like me.  I want my baby boy to find happiness and have a real chance at life.  He is one of the reasons I'm not ready to leave this earth. I don't want him to be alone, if I die he will be.