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My family

Embrace Today By: K. Wilhelmina Floria

Tears of happiness shall fall,
listen close for your destination call.

A river of tranquility flows through life.

Ride out the eye of the storm, pass the strife.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Just a F#%* up

Feeling down this morning, so what else is new? I took 1.5 mg of Lorazapam.  I'm kind of depending on them.  I don't have anything to snack on at night so I've been taking the drug to help me sleep so I don't think about eating.  I just need to get pass the next 3 days and I will have money to do the things I need to do.  I owe my mate $44.50 and I sure want to pay her back as soon a possible.  My daughter is going to lend me $45 dollars to hold me until Wednesday.  I put my prescriptions in the pharmacy but I need $10 to get them out,  one is  blood pressure pills, I didn't take it yesterday and won't have it until Tuesday, that's 4 days.  I don't have enough potassium to last until Thursday when I see the Rheumy, so I'm taking it once a day until then.  I won't have my breathing medication Tuesday morning, but that should be okay because the prescription filled at the pharmacy. That damn mistake with FB is hurting me.  Access-A-Ride not sending my reimbursement check.  Damn if there's a way to fuck up my life, I find it.

This is what my life has always been.  I've had large sums of money many times over my life.  I worked for a city funded program under the Kochs' administration.  I got 5% raises that were retroactive for a year or more.  I took my money out of my 401k, I liquidated my life insurance policy. I stole whole paychecks on my off pay week.  I worked two full time jobs at different times.  My mother left me a large sum of money when she died.  I didn't get a lot but I got a few dollars when I sold the family house.  Where the fuck is all that money.  Burned up in bull shit.  I had plenty of time to make my millions.  I was an ass hole. 

I dreamed of writing a best seller and watching it climb up the NY Times list and then made into a motion picture and I saw myself going up to accept my my little gold man from the academy awards.  My novel is good what I have finished of it. I need an editor, I need an agent and I need someone who will think it's worth trying to sell.

Most of all I need discipline, I don't have any, not to save money, not to control my weight.  And I don't have the discipline to put the effort in to complete my novel when it's more then half way done.  There's aways something.  Working on my greeting cards, writing this blog. I spent so much time farming on FB that I could of been finished with all the time I put playing games.  When I first got sick I couldn't concentrate, it hasn't changed much but one thing writing this blog has proven to me is that I can still write, that I still have a little talent left, I just need to do it.

When me and father (Mr.23) were in the project.  I use to write all the time, poems, short stories. He use to write also when he was there.  I brought a word processor, I loved my machine.  I'd come home clean, feed the kids, put them to bed and stay up at night writing.  The kids weren't suppose to touch it.  But my oldest daughter did and got a ink spot on it.  She tried to clean it.  She put Ajax on the machine, then water to wipe it off. There was no ink spot but it didn't work either.  Water damage. Fortunately I was able to get it repaired under warranty.  I had tunnel vision, all I could see was my writing was going to make me successful.  All the writing books warned against writing for profit.  They suggest that you write for yourself.  Turns out I finished the novel when I moved back  into my mothers' house, that's another story.  Lost it when I sold the house and my good friend from high school found it and sent me a copy.  Maybe I'll work on it again. After I typed 'the end' on that novel I had enough of it.  I gave a lot of time to it and didn't want to touch it any more.

The novel I've currently been working on is good.  I like my characters and I think I have a lot of twist and turns in it and I don't think it's predictable.  I just need that drive I had when I worked on my first novel.  I can blame it on my mate. I can blame it on the lupus and medication.  But the bottom line is I don't have any discipline. I don't have the drive I use to though I'm just as hungry.

It's going to be a long week, I will write more as I have time. I guess this is my writing for myself, so it doesn't matter. This is one of the reason I write, it's where I have someone to listen to me.  Paper and pen has always been my best friend.  If only they could put their arms around me an hug me when I need it so desperately sometimes.

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