The better part of the past.

Just got out the shower. Spent the day making 2 birthday cards. Are they nice?  I think I'm reevaluating making cards for a business too time consuming.  I like using glitter designing them and adding my little touches.  I just make cards for my love ones.

I just want to go to sleep now and wake up next week.  I am tired and down in the dumps again. I feel fine just that nagging headache.  

I started writing  last night but Greys' Anatomy was about to come on.

 I just got out of bed.  I had  honeydew melon juice, a lamb chop, rice, broccoli and carrots and a sandwich to eat yesterday.  I went to bed hungry, didn't want to go upstairs to fix anything to eat.  My mate wasn't home so I could do that. If she was here she would literly bash me until I eat something.  I physically feel okay this morning.  I have to go to a funeral this afternoon.  My mates nieces' mother died and they need me to help get them their on Access-A-Ride.  They're just going to view the body and return home.

Back to my life with Mr. 23 years.  We got this apartment in Jersey City, poor, run down town.  These people burned this avenue called Jackson when Martin Luther King died.  When I was there in the early 80s' they still hadn't rebuilt the street, yet they renamed to to Martin Luther King Dr.,  (the locals still called it Jackson Ave.)  There were I think 6 families living in our the building. The landlord lived under my apartment and her friend lived above my apartment.  When she had the exterminator come, she would only have them spray her apartment and the apartment upstairs. Guess where the roaches hid?  The other family upstairs had a bunch of kids, teenagers.  They use to eat out the garbage because they were so hungry. The first time I saw someone eat out the garbage was when we lived in the hotels.  This man went through the garbage in front of this restaurant and filled a tin pan with food and sat against the wall and ate it.  As I tell my story there were many nights that my children and I went to bed without anything to eat, but we were never hungry enough to go through the garbage.

Back to Jersey City, the people that lived across the hall were my friends, only her man use to beat her ass.  I spent many nights walking her to the ER.  The other family on my floor were cool, nothing special just regular people. The family next to the landlord, she was my friend too.  She had a four year old girl, a two year old son and a set of one year old twins. Her man also use to beat her. She use to litterly run out her apartment and hid in mine.  She would leave the children. This one time it was raining and he put the children out in the rain to smoke her out.  She yelled at the kids from my window and this mother fucker came running upstairs and tried to break into my apartment.  I was nine months pregnant.  When Mr. 23 years came home a few days later he confronted this, woman beater and he bitched up. A few weeks later him and his cousin raped the four year old girl. They gave her shyphlis. They took her children from the mother and locked him up. This sick woman asked me for paper and pen so she could write a "love" letter to this man. Unbelievable, but true.

I moved home with my mother in a small room with my three kids. My sister, her husband and their three kids lived there also.  Neither of them worked or supported themselves. I use to get so angry when I went shopping and see them eat up the food and drinks I brought.  I didn't say anything and my mother would tell me it's okay. Today I see things different we are family and we take care of each other, or should.

I complained about this to Mr. 23, at the same time I was annoyed with Mr. 23 years, he wasn't doing anything to get us out of this situation.  I started going to school.  I took out a loan to take a computer class.  No computers at night so I just took a clerk/typist class.  My brother was working at another school and was angry I didn't sign with his school so he could get the commission.  This school was closer to home less traveling.  This was a mistake, I created a student loan bill for a course that taught clerical work. Waste of funds that I could of used to get a degree. Well maybe not I did have the skills to carry me through out my employment career.

This was it I was going to break it off with Mr. 23 years, then he got hit with a motorcycle and broke his tibia bone.  He was told he would never walk again. First time I saw him cry, doctor asked, 'you going to cry in front of your lady,' he said, 'this shit hurts, hell yea.' I couldn't leave him then.  When he was released from the hospital he went to live with his cousin. They drove his aunt crazy, all day they would smoke reefer and free base. (Before they sold crack, they use to cook cocaine and smoke it.)  I was getting plenty of cocaine for thirty dollars.  I would give him some, I didn't know he was smoking it.

 We moved into his step fathers' basement.  Kids went to school in the area, I was active with the PTA. I was a school mother, always on site.  There was this woman who was very political and community active she offered me a job. I started working for Manpower, I was a job developer.

Mr. 23 years leg was just healing.  I got him a job, he towed rubbish from buildings that were under construction.  He met this guy there and they became good friend.  (Later this guy saved my life.) Mr. 23 became strung out on the base, now he was getting it ready made, crack. His shasty behavior just started to begin.  One night him and his brother had this guy over in the basement, when the guy left I went into the kitchen area, they had all this white powder on the table.  I was so mad that they left the baking soda all over for the kids to get at.  I brushed it off onto the floor.  It wasn't baking soda, it was a mountain of cocaine.  All Mr. 23's brother could do was smile.

 I  moved back to my mothers.  I got a job in Manhattan working for an answering service.  (I met folks like Alan Payne, Lillian Thompson, Jackie Harry and a lot of actors that were extras.  I met Danzel Washington over the phone. His bill was over due by three months.  I received his call, when he called to question the bill.  Very nice man, he wasn't famous as he is today, in fact I don't think I even knew him, only that he was the lead in the play Dream Girls.)

Life was pretty good.  I had a job I enjoyed, the kids were in school and daycare. Mr. 23 was doing his thing.   I got offered a job in the home care agency. Making twice as much as I was making with the answering service.  I would have good benefits for me and kids.  Then I got called for a project apartment in Far Rockaway.  Mr. 23 asked if I wanted him to move with me.  I let him, a mistake.  But I loved him and I really believed that we would work.  We had good times, hard but nothing compared to what crack was going to do to our lives.