Day Four- eyes of liquid

To hell with my blood pressure, temperature and all that other stuff, it's what is and will be what it is. I'm going to try and eat better but I have no will power so I'm going to fuck up. If I was rich maybe I could hire a cook to prepare better meals. It's easier to eat the wrong things because they are prepackaged. Sometimes I'm too tired to go upstairs to get real food, (steak, rice, potatoes something heavy and fattening any way) so I eat junk, chips, cake cookies and candies. Fuck it with a capital "F"



I'm tired let me explain what tired is to me. My body shuts down, I don't want to move. Do you know what it feels like when you're so tired you don't want to even turn over in bed? When you don't want to move to go the bathroom, it takes all the energy you can muster to go. And my bathroom is about 10 feet away. I slept about 8 and 1/2 hours and napped hour before bed and I'm still tired. Why am I up? Because my mind is busy. Always thinking about what I want to do, what I need to do and what I can't do.



I thought not working would have been great. I thought I would have time to write and complete my novel. Get my poetry together in a book. I want to work on my greeting cards and sell them but tiredness intrudes. I enjoy working on my family newsletter, it would be nice to have help, to have some of the family give me a call and tell me what's going on in their lives instead of me calling everyone. It's important to me and it would have been important to our parents for us to stay in touch. Some of my family, hell most of my family we haven't seen each other in over 30 years. Sad. I get to envious of families that have reunions every year. We are scattered all over, East Coast, West Coast, the south. We even have family in Alaska and New Zealand.



Everyone seems to appreciate the newsletter except my oldest daughter. She doesn't have time to read it. I guess she can't, she doesn't have time to put her own clothes away, empty her garbage or wash her dishes.



Off track again. Tired, very tired. Maybe that walk was too much for me cause I feel really drained. Maybe it was the sun out there even though I was out early it was hot; we're having a heat wave again. When I walked in the sun it was harder, one of the blocks was full of shade and it was easier to walk. So maybe that's what it is.



What's this about liquid eyes? Well sadness has come to invade my space. Everything is making me cry. I get these feelings of loneliness and the funny thing about it, is I want to be alone. I think. I use to be a real confident and a secure person. But now my whole life seems like it was a waste and my future is bleak. I was a party girl, drinking, drugging and sexing. I was responsible, working 8 hours a day even worked second jobs in the evening and on weekends.



I was a single mother even though I had a man for 23 years. He spent his time in our relationship chasing crack and heroin. Then when he gets sober he started chasing women. Alone most of the time so I started hanging out, meeting men and sleeping with them. He had a problem with one of the guys I was seeing he was following me around with a gun. He says he was going to blow me and the guys' head off. But his friend he was with talked him out of it.



So he get sober and can't help pay the bills and the house was getting ready to be lost so I sold it and moved in with the woman, yes the woman I was seeing. If he wanted me, he could have made moves to get us a home. Instead he moved on to the woman he was seeing for about 6 or 7 years of our relationship. I was really hurt when he married her. He said he had no choice that she was going to put him out if he didn't. He said he could always get a divorce. Fuck him too. I done been done. I guess I was still living in the fantasy he sold me when we first got together. I was a fool for his bull shit for 23 years always having hope. I guess I wanted us to grow old together and reminisce about the good times and enjoy our grandkids together. But that's storybook shit. My life my world is far from storybook. More of night mare meets fantasy smacked into reality. Which are many days of liquid eyes.



Sex was my answer to affection. My family wasn't into hugging and kissing. Nor talking, everything was a secret. All the women had children out of wedlock and it went on for generations. We or at least I was told what to do and not to do. Mom told me when I got my period that the boys are going to want me to go with them and not to go. Where are they going to go, for what? So I had to find out and her friend from Elemantry School showed me when I was 11. It wasn't that great so I had to learn more. Unprotected and on a quest to be grown I has sex with every man that gave me attention. I wish I wasn't so stupid. If I could turn back the hands of time.