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My family

Embrace Today By: K. Wilhelmina Floria

Tears of happiness shall fall,
listen close for your destination call.

A river of tranquility flows through life.

Ride out the eye of the storm, pass the strife.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Day Four and half- Dry eyes

That’s what my life is singing the blues one day and singing about happy days the next. I’m not writing this for people to feel sorry for me. I do want people to read it, hear me and understand me. Then maybe explain to me what this life I lived was all about.

I’m not delusional; I know my life is what it is because I made the choices to get where I am today. I know all the wrong choices I made. And to clear up a few things, so there is no misunderstanding, my mate is a good person. She cares about me and at times can be over protective and at other times when I’m feeling down or out of sorts she can be the mean bully bitch. She has her own issues, she doesn’t trust anyone, less of all me. She will do for you if it doesn’t in connivance her.

I just want more. I always want more. Prince sang. “She’s never satisfied”, I want attention, want someone to go with me to the doctors sometimes. To bring me flowers gifts. Keep promises. Take me out to eat, to a play, hell a movie. But hey this area is brining the liquid eyes and I don’t want that any more to night. I got to get it together before Thursday when I go to see the grandkids.

I had some good times. I mean my childhood was the best even though I didn’t think so because I want to have my mother and father and my brothers in our own home like a nice TV family. But I had my grandmother, who raised us. She was mean so I thought. She use to tell me when I thought I was slick, ‘you know I’m smarter then you’. She was my conscious and I find myself always quoting her. She use to tell me to find a man that has money, I ignored her of course because I wanted love. I was in love with love and had this vision of what love was. She was once like me, wild but of course at the time I didn’t know that. As far as I was concern she was crazy. Ha! I guess what goes around comes around like they say, my grandkids, 9, 7 and 6 think I’m crazy, they love me to death but still think I’m crazy and they can get over on me. Boy do they try and play me.

Anyway, I had my aunt and uncle who live in the house. My mother and aunt paid the bills and that made it possible for me to go to Catholic school and piss that good education away. I had two brothers, the oldest I more like, was in Vietnam when I was little and when he came home I was almost a teenager. He was another one of my conscious. He was not my father and I was damn if he was going to tell me what to do. Eventually we got along and I became his runner, going out to buy his nickel bags of reefer. Growing up I never had to worry about food, heat, electricity or hot water. I was sheltered from the ugliness that so many people faced in their youth.

I got pregnant a 15 had an abortion. I was living with my Aunt in NJ every morning she would fix me breakfast and next to my plate was my birth control pill. That I didn’t take. Mistake!!! Stupid!! I got pregnant at 17. The guy that was my mothers’ friend son offered to pay for me to have an abortion. He said, he never done that before and that there were plenty of girls that said they were pregnant by him and he wouldn’t pay for the abortion. I didn’t comprehend that he liked me, for more than a booty call. This guy today is a billionaire. Super stupid mistake!!! When I was almost 5 months pregnant mom set up for me to have an abortion. They were going to induce labor and I was going to give birth to a fetus. On the morning of the appointment, my son moved. I couldn’t do it. His father I didn’t know was doing dope and went to jail. When he came home I had another child and we were supposed to get back together. Then he robbed this house and killed the home owner. He’s been in jail for almost 25 years.

I finished high school second in my class and was accepted at St. Johns’ university. I didn’t have the registration fee and didn’t want to ask mom for it. Another stupid mistake and I was still 18. I went up state to live with my friend and met a man and played house. I have all intentions of going to school up there. But I got pregnant, had this baby by another man. And moved back home and broke up with her father in that order.

I meet my last baby’s’ father but that’ a story for later.

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Embrace today.