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My family

Embrace Today By: K. Wilhelmina Floria

Tears of happiness shall fall,
listen close for your destination call.

A river of tranquility flows through life.

Ride out the eye of the storm, pass the strife.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

No more spoons today

I'm up and dressed ready to go to my appointment, another test a Venous Doppler. They're going to take a sonogram of my leg to see if there are any blood clots. Hopefully I can get some of those compression socks on my insurance free. Those suckers cost $42 dollars from the medical supply store, but I found them at Amazon for $26 dollars same thing, no prescription needed. Tuesday I got a prescription for a portable nebulizer, insurance covers it, but not for the battery. It's a lithium, long life battery that cost  $130 well there goes my extra money for next month.

I had a dream last night, or was it this morning. I'm not sure I was sleeping.  I dreamt that my son and I were at Mr. 23 years house, he wasn't there. My son and I were laying around watching TV and on the other side of the room was a former job of mine. I went to my old desk and there were old cards, some old grapes that no one took out the draw.  One of my mates nieces was there and she was helping me clean the area.  Then I went to lay back and down to watch TV with my son. Mr. 23 years came in and we sat around talking, he  wanted to touch me and I kept pushing him away.  His wife came down the steps and I told her to come sit down. (Mind it was her house.) I tell her I don't want Mr. 23 years and I don't have a problem with her, that I'm glad she will be taking care of him for the rest of his life and that she is young enough to be there for him. Weird right?

I have weird dreams all the time.  I like them, I guess since I don't have a social life I live in my dreams. Can anyone interpret this dream? I would love to hear some feed back on this.  Barnes and Noble has a book on interpreting dreams in the metaphysical section, for my nook, of course it wasn't a free book or an under $5 book. And they updated the nook, now they have color and it's more like an ipad.

I'm shaking my head, companies are always trying to make money. What am I talking about, that's the American way.  Greed dictates this world, this way we have young boys killing and being killed during wars, right?

When we buried my mother we were at the grave site.  I purchased a flower pillow for inside the casket and wanted to take them home to Gran.  I had on heels and tried to bend into the grave to get it, I was afraid I was going to fall and knock the casket down.  My brother got for me.  They slowly started to lower mommys' casket.  Mommy is gone, I'm really grown now, were my thought. There's no one else who will love me unconditionally any more.  It's just me and my children.  Yea I I had and have my brother and sister. At that time we weren't close, I had Mr. 23 years all and all we've always had each other.  I turned and fell into his arms, and he held me. It felt so good, I felt safe, he was going to be there for me forever.  The women on my job, my surrogate mothers came over. They knew how I was struggling because of his drug habit.  He use to come up to the job, he was in the neighborhoods and people saw him.  These mothers grabbed me from him and held me. My new world was about to begin.

Got back home about two hours ago.  Boy am I tired.  I was suppose to have two test today, a Venous Doppler and an Artery something, to check for PAD, someone screwed up. I was scheduled for only one test. I have to go back for the Doppler and they are going to x-ray the arteries in my neck.  I don't know about all these x-rays' and radiation. This can't be good, I go tomorrow for another one, this of my chest with contrast to see if there are any blood clots in my lungs.

Anyway today I was finished at 10 am and Access-A-Ride  was scheduled to pick me up at 12:22 pm. Two hours, I didn't eat breakfast, hence, I didn't take my medication.  The closest store was 3 blocks away and there were stairs up to the shopping center or walk another block and through a parking lot.  I took the stairs.  The deli was actually a bagel shop.  Yea, yea, yea I passed the fruit and I passed the salads and  had a toasted onion bagel with a pinch of vegetable cream cheese.  I also had a 1/4 pound of chopped liver.  I drank my water. I sat there and ate my breakfast then walked the 3 blocks back.  I think the walking burned up most of the food I ate this morning.  Lets hope it burned the whopper with cheese my darling mate brought in last night.  I wasn't hungry, I ate it because it was there, and as if that wasn't enough I got full after eating half of it. Did I wrap it up and put it away?  Of course not.

My Access-A-Ride driver was one of my good friends' brothers'. Both will get a cameo later in my story of Mr. 23 year.  The driver and I did the nasty once or twice. Anyway he dropped me off at the supermarket.  I got some spinach, carrots, and apples to juice tomorrow night.  I got some grapes to freeze and snack on at night instead of potato chips.  I got some strawberries, I cut them up and put sugar on them to have with the cottage cheese I brought.  I got some tangerines and a few pears.  Okay this should help me drop some pounds quicker. I already lost 6 pounds.  Even though I might stray a bit I haven't had any cake, cookies or ice cream. I eat the chips but they are lightly salted and today I don't have any down here.

I made a toss salad and I put the rest of the chicken breast in it. Tomorrow when I get in I'll eat the rest of the salad with tuna.  I'm having a bagel tomorrow morning. I'm being picked up at 5:25 am, I'll eat a cup of fruit too.  Tonight I'm eating nothing but fruit.  I'm tired and don't plan on going back upstairs.  My mate has three cookies on the counter, chocolate chip. Boy do they smell good, but I won't eat them. I'll let you know if I was able to resist.

I will start telling my story in 2 days.  I'm tired now and tomorrow I will probably be really drained so I'm going to rest for the rest of the day. Did I mention it's 3 pm and I'm in my PJs' ready to sleep! As a spoonie, if anyone took the time to read that theory, I used up all my spoons today, and this morning I had a lot.

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Embrace today.