I got my back

I feel like I've been sleeping for weeks.

It was a chilly morning Tuesday, even chiller at 5:44 am when Access-A-Ride arrived to take me and my mate to North Shore Hospital in Manhasset.  I was ready for this test but like all surgical procedures there are risk, knowing this causes fear and anxiety to develop.

We reached our transfer point by 6:30am and waited inside LIJ until 7am.  The next bus was on time and we were at the hospital at 7:30 am. I was not due until 10 am. But given the history of dealing with AAR and Able I scheduled my appointment time to 9 am.  So we were there much too early.  The doctor was working on the cardiology floor and wouldn't be down until 12 pm.

The doctor arrived around 12 and I was in the procedure room shortly after.  I was not put to sleep.  They took tape and pulled my belly up so the doc would have easy access to my groin.  They stuck a tube in my groin and led it to my heart.  It hurt and I was given several shots of pain killers.  The arteries in my heart look good the doc says.  I don't have any cholesterol problems so there are no blockages.  I do however have the pulmonary hypertension, no surprise there.  My pressures are in the 50's he said.  My echo pressure is 38 this is why the my cardio doctor told me I probably don't have PH.  The normal pressure I found out is 30.  So they caught it at the beginning stages. WooHoo!  So now I have to wait until next Wednesday to see the Cardio doctor and until November 16 to see the pulmonary doctor.  I see a medical doctor tomorrow, new doctor.  The Rheumy, Pulmonary and Cardio suggest I have a medical doc.  Monday is my appointment with the Rheumy and I meet one of the doctors who was on the hospital tour.

Yesterday I was sore and tired. I was instructed to take it easy, no lifting, no walking up and down stairs.  I went upstairs to eat breakfast.  After breakfast I came back down stairs, got in bed and stayed there all day.  I did get up to make my cousin a birthday card that I hope to mail tonight or tomorrow, it's late and I feel real bad that I didn't mail it on time.  I ate potato chips and candy because I didn't want to walk up those stairs again.  Today I can take a shower, thank goodness.  I had to use a bed pain after the procedure because they didn't want me to move my leg or get out the bed.  I made a mess.  I washed my ass, okay but ain't nothing like getting in the shower and getting every nook and cranny especially when you're over 300 pounds.

While I was waiting for the doctor they had Rachel Ray on and she had this woman that weighed almost 400 pounds.  She lost 215 pounds in 15 months!  Imagine! She said she didn't eat more then what fit in the palm of her hand.  It's determination and will power.  I'm going to do it.  the food from Saturdays' dinner is just about all gone, so I have no more excuses.  I'm going to have my cantaloupe juice this morning and cereal.  I think I'll make some tuna and there's stuff to make a salad.  If I can handle eating nothing but potato chips and candy I can handle just tuna and salad.

Next week I go to the Oxygym for real and that with watching my diet should help.  It's cool enough to go walking in the morning.

I'm in a melancholy mood.  I'm just living and trying to keep living.  But if I don't I'm okay with that too.  Sometimes I get these feelings that no one will miss me if I wasn't around and that's the feeling I feel today.  I'm not depressed or sad.  I don't feel self pity, just lonely.  Maybe it's the rain or being with a mate who is into herself and I'm just a stuff doll she plays with when she's bored. I felt so bad when she was with me on Tuesday, she kept sucking her teeth and trying to rush them to let me leave.  I had to recover for 4 hours they wouldn't discharge me until 4:40pm. We had to change our Able and AAR arrangements.  We got back to our neighborhood about 7pm and we voted!  We were going to walk home but the bus came.  I apologized to my mate and thanked her.  She said I didn't have to, but action speaks louder then words and she was clearly annoyed while sitting in the hospital.

You know when I was with Mr. 23 years I felt lonely and that's because he was always gone.  We, however were a couple. We were one in our relationship. In this relationship, it's me and it's her.  We are not one and that's what I miss, not having someone who has my back.  I need a rent receipt and she doesn't feel like writing it.  But she reminds me to pay my rent.  If I need money to pay for meds, appointment or care fare, she complains when I ask her for help. I need the receipt to show proof of rent, so I can possible get the money back from that stupid FB ad I did by mistake.

As in all my relationships I give unconditionally, I've given her all kinds of gifts and I lend her money when I had it and she never pays back and I never ask.  Yet I hate to ask her for anything.  That is a problem in a relationship, isn't it? 

Forget that bull shit I am blessed.  I may be a little chronically ill but I'm able to make a life of sorts.  I refuse to let this sadness get the better of me.  It's raining but I'm going to find some sunshine in my day. I love myself and that's the only person I need to have my back.