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My family

Embrace Today By: K. Wilhelmina Floria

Tears of happiness shall fall,
listen close for your destination call.

A river of tranquility flows through life.

Ride out the eye of the storm, pass the strife.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Did God make a mistake after all?

Last night I gave into temptation, I fought hard, but not hard enough because I lost and had a slice of red velvet cake, with frosting, two scoops of cherry vanilla ice cream and whip cream. Horrible, right? I got up this morning at 6 am so I could take my medication 2 hours before breakfast so I can take the rest of my medication.  I made a triple decker raisin bread sandwich with provolone cheese, American cheese and Genoa salami. I said I'll eat right for the rest of the day. 

I went to the family doctor I choose and he is fantastic.  He has a very charming personality, I was comfortable as soon as he walked into the examining room and says, "Who are you? I don't know you yet?"  I smiled from ear to ear, in return to his smile. He asked about my medications, my diagnosis, then my history.  I gave him copies of my medical records and he says, that's fine but he will do his own test.  He checked my hearing, I don't hear too well out my right ear. (That ear was damaged in 1997 when I had an sinus infection. I'll tell this story when I get back to Mr. 23 years.) He did examined me from head to toe.  I've been examined,  they listen to my lungs, check my mouth, but this doc checked everything.  He had the nurse draw blood, do an EKG, and a PFT, that a pulmonary function test.  He of course says I need to lose weight and wants me to consider lap band.  I would do it, but there are 2 things stopping that.  1One the insurance doesn't cover it, second I read somewhere you can't have it if you have lupus, or on steroids.

I left the doctors' office, Access-A-Ride was nice and early, I asked the driver to drop me off at Walgreen's to get my refills and to put in my script for Cipro, I have a UTI. (Figure it out. I get them all the time. Somethings are just personal.) I picked up two bags of chips, some of those m&m with pretzels, and a bag of my favorite Hersey Bliss white chocolate, only one bag.  I sat to wait for my medication and read the paper.  I was considering walking, but I needed to use the bathroom and exhausted myself doing going in the little bathroom in the store, so I walked the half block to the bus stop, was short a dime, driver let me go.  I walked the half block to the house. I was in a real up beat and good mood.

I checked my e-mail and FB account.  The SLE Lupus Foundation posted the video from the hospital tour.  I was excited that they used my fat ass in the footage.  I emailed to everyone and posted it on my blog.  One sweet person told me I was beautiful.  Too kind of her.  But look at myself, sitting forward, I MUST LOSE WEIGHT!!  There are no if's, ands' or buts'.  If that woman who was on Rachel Rays, was over weight her whole life can lose 215 pounds in 15 months I can too.

My mate made broccoli and lamb chops. That's all I was going to eat. But I had to eat the rice and peas, and Candie yams that were left over. You don't waste food here. I had no choice.  My mate, man, she is something. I told her that the doctor wants me to get the lab band and she says, you can't do that you eat too much.  The doc explained that they prepare you psychologically, they monitor you and train you to eat the proper foods.  But I don't know what I'm talking about because one of her friends had it done. So of course she doesn't want to hear what I have to say. Just like she tells me I'm lazy, because all the people she knew that has lupus didn't complain about being tired.  I don't know shit, it's only when someone else says what I say that she believes me.  Like when her sister was here, her sister asked how she made her bar-b-que wings.  Her sister said, so after you broil them you marinate them in the oven.  I said yes, my mate nearly took my head off saying, 'I did not!' When she explained to her sister that she bakes them in the oven her sister says, yea marinate. Did she say she was sorry for yelling at me and making me feel like shit. Nope! Well I don't plan on eating anything else tonight.

My HS friend is sending me some money.  I really can use that. My oldest friend from church is picking me up tomorrow to go to the movies.  Can you believe I'm going out somewhere other then a doctors appointment, seminar, nor to see the grand kids or to a funeral/wake.

Oh I was happy. Too damn happy, it's like I'm not suppose to be happy long.  I sent the information to The SLE Lupus Foundation yesterday, as the program director suggested to see if they would give me the money for the ad I made by  mistake on facebook.  I was denied.  I was looking forward to that money to help me with the Oxygym.  I won't be able to afford that now.  I would never had asked for money, the program director made me feel like it would happen.  I hate feeling like a fool and that's how I feel. This is why I don't ask for hand outs.  No one gives me a damn thing. I don't win raffles, door prizes, lotteries.  I'm one of those people if it wasn't for bad luck I wouldn't have any luck at all.  Anyway I was gracious and told her I knew I would I wouldn't get it and thanked her for trying to help.  I hurried off the phone to weep. So that's the way my days developed and now it's time for me to read my nook and try to get over the disappointment.

When I write again I want to write about God not making mistakes.  I want to know what my purpose is. My whole life has been one mistake after another. I want to know what my contribution to mankind is or will be.  I remember the principle of the HS I graduated from said in his speech, to our graduating class if I touch one person I did my job.  There are people reading this blog who say I've touched them and that my blog is an inspiration.  I just don't see it.  Maybe I said enough on this subject, I don't need to write more in my next blog. I am not whining, just reflecting. Sad about not getting the grant, but tomorrow I will have a good day.

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Embrace today.