Trying to gather enough spoons for the day

I was laying in the bed this morning trying to accumulate enough spoons to help me get through this day.  The phone rang early, while I was in a good sleep.  My mates' family gets up early and thinks the whole world is up too. I remember when I was a teenager my family and friends knew not to wake me in the morning because I was evil.  I always hated to be waken up when I didn't have to go out or do anything that day.  When I was raising my children I got better because I had to get up and take care of my kids, but now I'm back to feeling evil as hell when I'm awaken when I don't need to get up.  My mate gets up puts on the TV, turns on lights, talks to me as I'm laying in that twilight zone, she'll start cleaning, washing clothes.  I have no choice but to get up and just deal with it.  Now when she's sleep and I get up and turn the TV on she has a fit turn off the TV or if I'm on the computer she tells me to turn it off and get in the bed.  I can't just lay down and go to sleep like her, some nights I will toss and turn for hours and when I finally do get to sleep I'm awakened.  Hence my evilness but I keep it to my self, until now when I can let it out in this blog.

Yesterday I went to see my son at the 21 day rehab.  It took all the energy I had to get there but I did. They had a meeting with the family for a half hour.  All these family members were asking, will they get high when they get out, what can they do to keep them from getting high, can they take some drug, can't remember the name, that will take away their urge to drink, or what about methadone.  It got on my nerve that I said, 2 and a half years ago I was drinking, sniffing coke and smoking cigarettes and had I not gotten sick I would still be getting high.  I told them that I still have urges. I told them that I had stopped using because I want to live.  I had to be ready to stop mentally and that their love ones won't stop no matter how many rehabs, counselors, programs that they go to, they are not going to stop until they are mentally ready.  After I finished my piece, the counselor asked if anyone had any more questions. No one did and the useless meeting was over.  Well it was useless to me.

I love my son and I know I'm the only one he has and I want to support him. But he's draining me.  He left his clothes and stuff at my daughters' house. Between today and next Friday he wants me to get to my daughters and get some of his clothes, shoes and his papers and bring to him for the next visit.  I am so tired, I don't want to do nothing. But like I said I'm the only one he has, so some how or another I will do this for him.

I'm down to 301 pounds!! That's 16 pounds lost.  I found this machine called the Health Master.  I want this machine so bad.  It's a blender that liquidfies vegetables and fruit, pulp and all.  My juicer extracts the juice and wastes the pulp and to clean after you have to take the machine apart.  With this it just a pitcher to clean.  The machine costs $200 I asked my girls if they would buy it. They both should be getting income tax returns. I they don't hopefully I'll get a refund check and get it myself.  I like juices and if it's easy to prepare I will juice often.  I will lose this weight quickly and hopefully have more energy. Best of all it my push my body into remission.  I use to juice years ago and I felt good.  I'm excited and anxious.

I only have a little more of my life to tell and I will but I need to get rest and build the energy to stay focused. My head is in a fog, I'm stressed about the medicare, I called the SLE Lupus foundation to see if I can get help.  I had a problem with my bank account and that had me stressed for the past five days. Not to mention all the above on my mind.  I just need to do some meditation, praying and resting and hopefully in a few days I can write the finally pages of my story.