I spoke to my grandchildren over the weekend and my daughters. I was feeling like they were ignoring me, but they've been busy. They said when their day’s end, they know I'm in bed so they don't want to disturb me. Awww! Bull shit! My youngest daughter is on twitter all day and I see her pop on FB so she can take a minute and send me a text. My oldest daughter can send me a text too. I don't have to get up an read it at night but at least I know they were thinking about me.
I'm down 17 pounds that puts me under the 300 pound mark!! Whoopee! I told my mate and her response, oh good you would lose a lot faster if you stop eating all the junk food. She brought ring dings and baby Ruth's in here. I tried to maintain will power but damn it ain't easy. Her mother brought cookies I ate 3. The other night I ate a cup of sherbet. That's the junk I ate. I've been eating two meals a day sometimes one. I eat my lightly salted chips and pistachios'. I'm not on a strict eating only salad, fruits and vegetables. I'm cutting down what I eat. Denying myself foods doesn't work for me, this is working, I eat what I want but in moderation. What I need to do is get back on that stationary bike and excersie every other day and then I will lose a bit faster. So I'm proud of myself and if my children get me or help me get the health master I will lose a lot faster, I like juicing, it just too much work with the juicer.
I started telling how I met C (her). Let me just tell the last bit of Mr. 23 he was smoking that PCP, he takes everything to the extreme. He was outside in front of the house doing Karate with the cars as they passed through the street. He wouldn't listen to any of us that told him to come in. No one wanted to call 911 and have him admitted. I finally did. He cursed me out when he was being taken, threaten to kill me. Shortly after he was admitted the doctor called and said he's fine and we are discharging him. I said to the doctor he threatened to kill me when he gets out. Docs said call him and see how he sounds. I called him and on the top of his lungs he started screaming, "Bitch when I get out here I'm going to kill you!" He kept on calling me all kinds of negative words and cursing the doctors, hospital, police everyone. When I called the doctor back as soon as I said my name the doctor said, 'we're keeping him'. This was the real turning point.
So C would call me and we would talk for hours. She promised to take me on a cruise and take me on trips. I was so excited, I was working I had my own money but couldn't afford to go anywhere because of that monster of a house. She said she wanted to take care of me. I told her that I was having financial troubles with the house and she suggested I refinance and introduced me to this guy who did refinancing. The guy said he couldn't help me refinance but could help me sell it. So that's what I did. While we negotiate with the buyers I was packing and cleaning the house out. That was the most touching and hurting time in my life. I was letting go of an error, my childhood and the life I had with Mr. 23. I told him I was going to live on my own. I told him if he wanted me he could get us a place to live.
I got less then 20k for the house. I put my stuff in storage, when the buyer came we had our few suitcases, I had mine, Mr. 23 had his and my daughter, her boyfriend and my grandson had theirs. We called cabs; my daughter and her family got in theirs' and went into the shelter system. Mr. 23 and I went to my daughters' house. He helped me with my bags and we hugged, I had tears in my eyes and I felt him wiping his eyes, my life with 23 years was over, all the good times, hard times and bad times.
I was staying with my daughter and her man. Her man did everything he could to make me uncomfortable so I went and stayed with C. We both would go to work in the morning and meet at the bar after. We would drink, she brought me coke and I would sniff. I was enjoying my life. After a while she retired and now she was home and I was at work during the day. I was trying to hang out with her. I was doing my job but I wasn't paying attention. I hired this woman for marketing and she wanted my position. She told my boss I was late and not doing my work. This wasn't true but I got a months' severance pay, money that was due to me as a bonus and a promise of unemployment. I was looking for a job and couldn't find one; finally I got another job in a homecare agency. It was run different than the one I was working for. I was a supervisor, now I was a coordinator, a demotion. They had an on-call system that was bad. No case could be left uncovered. The on-call pager would ring non-stop and to save money there was only one on-call person who had to cover all the cases across the city and long island that was a lot. The first week-end I did the on-call I worked almost 18 hours, that Monday I went in a gave them the on-call stuff, my letter or resignation and left. It was not for me. So I was unemployed again.
Back then the unemployment ran out in six months and when it did I worked off the books taking care of this 92 year old lady and living off the little money left from the sale of my house, which ran out quickly. C started to change; she had a part time job as security down at ground zero. When the Duercht building caught on fire she left her post and went home and got fired. Her money was short and she stopped spoiling me. I was use to paying my own way.
I was having a hard time with the storage bill. I should have asked my brother to take the pictures and some of the mementos I had like the cards I saved from my mother, my old writings and journals and Stefannie my doll I got when my sister was born. Those are the things that I still cry over losing when I missed a payment. I called and asked the manager if I could send a check in a few days late and he agreed but another manger didn't get the word and sent my check back saying they sold my stuff and wouldn't tell me to whom they sold it to.
I got a job at another home care agency; this one belonged to a friend of mine. I was always tired and I was trying to help them find a better system to do the time sheets. They were moving into the Empire State Building and I knew the rent was going to be high. I was let go. I went back to taking care of the old lady and took a bookkeeping class. Mr. 23 use to meet me by the old lady’s' house and we would talk; he would ask me for money or sometimes give me a few dollars. My friend told me he got married, I was seeing him and he didn't tell me he was going to get married. A week later he met me and I was so hurt. Over the years I wanted to get married he didn't when he changed his mind and wanted to I told him how to get his state id, he never did. He told me he got married because this woman wouldn't let him live with her unless he married her. He told me, get this a week after he got married, he could get a divorce. He told me I'm the only woman he loves and the only one that knows him. It's true we know each other better than anyone knows is. But he ended our relationship for ever. I would never go back to him at all now. It's really over.
After while I got a job with Manpower at the post office. I was making nice money, lots of over time. Things were good financially, I was able to help my children, C was happy. I was going to the bar to meet her and buying drinks again and buying my own cocaine. Then I needed a hysterectomy, I had that done in the summer of 2007, it took eight weeks for me to recover and I went back to work at the Post Office. A woman who had a hysterectomy 6 months earlier was talking about how well she felt and told me I was going to feel much better soon. But I wasn't, I was getting tired and tired. C brought a car from a friend, the car was full of mold and the driver’s side window didn't open. I was driving that car and smoking. I was happy not to have to take the bus. When the spring came again I would go out and smoke in the sun. I don't know why I wanted to get a suntan that year, but I would go stand outside smoking, I stopped using sunscreen. I could have went and smoked on the other side of the building where there was shade. But I wanted that suntan.
I would go every two weeks to have my nails done and get my eyebrows waxed. I would still go meet C after work. But I was getting too tired; I would go straight home and go to bed. Soon I stopped going to get my nails done, I was just too tired. I found myself exhausted when I went up and down the stairs I couldn't breathe. I would have to sit and catch my breath. I didn't have health insurance and didn't want to go to the ER.
It was my oldest grandsons' birthday, we went to the Brooklyn Aquarium, and we were in the sun all day, me without sunscreen. I was so exhausted, weak even. I went home and the next day I went to work. I couldn't walk down the hall without getting winded. My supervisor told me I need to get my breathing check. Everyone was telling me I didn't sound good. For the past few weeks I would sit at my desk, I was in an office in the back by myself and I would sit in front of the computer and doze off. I had no control. I never felt this tired before.
So this day everyone was telling me how bad my breathing sound I decided to go the city hospital. I was admitted and was hospitalized for five days. I had COPD and SLE lupus.