I'm being selfish

I not going to let myself drown anymore.  I've been swimming in this deep ocean of despair for months maybe even years.  I've been blaming it on lupus, my lungs and everyone else.

It was me who jumped in this murky water and refused to wear a life jacket or to climb into the rescue boat that was offered.  I had enough of this bitter salty sea, that runs deep and fierce with my tears. 

I caught a nasty virus called unhappiness, it spread like a plague. Infecting healthy untroubled souls with a fever of misery.  There were illusinonal cures, spirits in glasses, prescriptions promising to heal the sadness.  Even being folded under the cover and sleeping wouldn't restore the damage that ugly, nasty virus contaminated my enviorment with. 

I found a cure though and it's just a simple, "Fuck you and the pale horse you rode in on." In order to live you must have a life to live and I'm going to live. Day after day I am berated with pick that up, move that, don't you know that goes there even when I'm sleeping, don't let the covers fall on the floor.  I am so tense and nervous I don't know if I should sit, stand or walk. What was acceptable yesterday is no longer acceptable today. I'm called lazy because my fatigue must be in my head, because I can sit at the computer.

Many years ago my brother called me a fuck up and it stays with me to this day.  As I live to this day the words still haunt me. But no more! I'm not going to be stressed. No more! I said! That's how I feel right now but like Mr. 23 years use to tell me, 'feelings come and go.' the most honest thing he's ever said. Cause tomorrow I my be sick with this nasty poison.

So yesterday I went to the pulmonary rehab. Meet the staff including the doctors who examined me to see if I was a candidate for their program.  After the examination the doctor declared me healthy to participate in their gym. I go back next week for a stress test and I guess then I'll start exercising.  They say I will learn to breath better and have more energy. They expect me to lose 20 pounds in a year. FUCK THAT!  I gained a 100 pounds in two years.  If we go by years I expect to lose 50 pounds a year. If I could get off the steroids for a  month or two I could lose that more rapidly.

They had me walk up and down this hall for 6 minutes.  I did it very well, I believe, I only stopped once for rest.  My oxygen level dropped down to 85.  The nurse said I walked 8 meters. I know my legs were hurting and I'm still tired today.

After I finished at the gym, Access-A-Ride took me over to see the cardiologist.  He said that my echo looked good.  There was no indication of my right artery being in large, no CHF and he thinks it's unlikely that I have Pulmonary Hypertention.  He's still wants me to do a full heart catheraztion because he believes there's a lot of fluid in my lungs and heart. He says my S.O.B is probally due to my weight.  So my insperation is to lose weight and drop this other person I've been toting around. Then I should feel better.  I'll still  have lupus, which at the moment is only causing minum discomfort.  I still have the headaches in the morning, but Monday I go for an MRI and MRA, which will probally show nothing. The swelling and achiness in my hands and knees have been a part of my life forever. So if I lose the weight, the COPD and IDL is minumum, then I may be able to come off the ozygen and have a life again.  With the weight loss my blood pressure should be regulated so I'll need less meds and maybe I can go in remission and stop taking the cellcept, plaquline and steroids.  Then I can start living agian.  My lips to Gods' ears. Sounds like I'll have another chance at life.  Maybe I'll be able to go out and shake my stiff ass on a dance floor and maybe have some hot, freaky sex again.  Don't pinch me if I'm dreaming just leave me alone.

The highlight of my day out yesterday was while waiting for the Access-A-Ride home I had a turkey burger with cheddar cheese, fired onions, lettus, tomatoes on a toasted bun. I had french fries and a nice kosher pickle. Shhh! I know I just spoke about losing weight, but a least it wasn't beef.  I did drink a coke soda.  It has been a  long time since I had a turkey burger, let me tell you it was hevenly, I savored every bite.  I think I even had and orgasm, I think cause I forgot what they felt like.  I'm planning on having another one when I go back to see the cardio doc again.  The turksy burer that is. Let me ask you, the onions I asked for were fried but they call them sautated.  Aren't sautated onions just heated enough to soft and fried onions are dark brown and crunchy.  Why? Why do waitress and short order cooks want to call them sautated, does it make them sound more classy.  I like them both ways but I prefer fried.

They are having family day at the rehab my son is in this.  He wants me to come.  First of all it cost $54 round trip, not too bad if I had the extra money to go.  Second it's a two hour ride to the place and two hours back home, on a bus.  You know the ones with a little stinky closet with chemical smelling tolites. Am I being selfish to not want make that trip?  I support him trying to get clean and sobber.  But he's a grown man, 32 years old.  He spent most of his life in prision.  He came home and got himself in a program with a studio apartment, things were going slow but they were working out for him.  He was the one who choose to drink alchol and failed the piss test.  He was fortuanate that his parol officer didn't violate him and lock him back up. I told him I didn't think I could make it and he beg, please try.  I told him my money was short, yet he still askes me to send him some money.  Is he selfish, does all he care about is his needs and wants?  He's 32 I was 33 when my mother died.  I no longer had her to pick me up when I fell.  I had to lick my own wounds and heal myself.  Why can't he do that? Did I cripple him?

So I call up to speak with a councelor.  I tell the person on the phone all that I just described and this man tells me. Your son really needs you to come and see him. It would help him.  I should really try. He fed me this heavy guilt trip like, it shouldn't be a problem taking a 2 hour bus trip with oxygen and a closet bathroom to pee in every 20 minutes or so, even if I don't drink anything. And then turn around and do it to get back home.  Comes to find out the person I was talking to was a patient.  So I wrote my son a letter and told him how difficult it would be for me to come and that I'm sorry, love him but I can't make it up there to see him. Am I being selfish?