I got home about 8pm that night. I was tired and I had to go to the rehab to do a family visit with my son. My mate wasn't feeling well, she ate an old tangerine and her stomach was upset, but not only that she was having pains in her left arm. In the morning her arm was still hurting, she was up most of the night in the bathroom, so she wanted to go to the ER. Imagine going to the ER with someone and not for myself. I call the rehab and tell them I can't make it. We sit in the rehab for a few hours and everything is fine and we come back home.
Tomorrow I'm suppose to meet this woman to help me with the medicare. It's suppose to snow again, another major storm. I don't know, I think I should reschedule, I don't want to get into Manhattan and get stuck. The problem is the womans' phone only takes messages and she only comes in on Tuesdays. something so minor as this stresses me out.
I'm almost caught up to this day with my life. I mentioned though out my story how mean my mate is. Don't get me wrong, she has a kind nature about her. She is considerate of my well being. She will do what ever she can to make me comfortable, as long as it doesn't inconvenience her. She doesn't care what she says or how it hurts. She knows that I'm sensitive, but she will say things to hurt me. If I point out a flaw of hers', she will do a tic for tack thing. She gets defensive and tells me what my flaws are. Let me tell you I have hundreds. I talk too much, I don't remember to put things away. I sort my pills and sometimes they fall to the floor. Sometimes I can't find them, she tells me I don't look. She doesn't understand that I can't remember things. She tells me I'm lazy because I can sit at the computer but can't sweep the floor or something. The list can go on and on and on. I spend a lot of time crying, but that's me. To be honest the only person I expressed myself to freely and who understood me was Mr. 23 years, but he couldn't make me happy he had his negative ways. I guess I was meant to be alone like my mother. I don't know what kind of person I want in my life. Maybe it's me, like my brother said. I'm a fuck up.
My mate, when we first met she would buy me gifts, pocketbooks, jewelry and take me out to eat. She buys me clothes still but she gets me men's clothes because that's what she wears. I don't want a mens' jacket. She made promises when we met, but it ain't no different then a man who tries to woo you. She said she would take me on a cruise and it hasn't happened. She still talks about it but I won't hold my breath. She doesn't even take me out locally. I only have her winter and spring concerts to look forward. I enjoy myself but it's not like going to a play or even a movie. We use to go out to eat, but now I should be happy to get a whopper when she comes in from the bar. Where she is if she doesn't have rehearsal. I am left alone so often, but it's not like I live alone because I am really nothing more then a guest. She will tell someone quickly that I'm her lover but I have no rights in the place I live. This is what hurts me the most. Being homeless. She's mellowed out a bit but I still have to remember to put everything away. I write and I like to have my papers around me but I can't I have to put them away and I end up hiding them a losing them because I can't remember where I put them.
She will encourage me to lose weight but turn around and fix me something to eat and pile the food on my plate, no matter how much I tell her not a lot. I like that she tries to take care of me but in the next breath she'll cuss me out. I say she's bi-polar and needs medication.
She has no interest in marriage. I don't want to marry a woman, but her stand is that she doesn't believe in marriage because of the community property thing. Her philosophy is what's mine is mine and what's yours is yours. I live here and her mother and her will say that's your potatoes or juice or what ever. We share food and drink, but saying that's yours makes me think twice about eating or touching different foods or things.
I don't know, I grew up in a household where we respected each other and ;listened to each other. I raised my children in a house hold that may have been dysfunctional but we respected each other. I'm living now in a household that everyone yells when they talk and are cold and harsh and sarcastic when they speak. I try to stand on my own feet but I'm not a fighter so I get stressed and nervous. I live my life on the computer, I get lost in my television shows, books or I go to sleep and try to dream a better life. This was my story.
This blog has ended I will start another blog soon. It will deal totally with lupus. I hope to write about my trails in a way that it will educate those who are struggling through this disease and for those who have family or friends with lupus. I hope to write a piece worthy of publication.
Until them my readers God bless.
This is a picture of Mr. 23 & me.