Day Three- A Lupus Day

My pressure this morning at 5:28am was 139/84. I didn’t excise. But I plan to walk to the bank which is 3 blocks, I may try to walk back or take the bus. I plan to go to Barnes and noble. Hummm! I’ll keep what I have to do there to myself. I didn’t eat my cereal yesterday. I did have blueberries and cottage cheese. I ate some frozen grapes, had a few jelled candies, some tuna salad and crackers. Then came the evening I had potatoes salad, stewed lamb chops and string beans and a slice of German pound cake, okay a chunk of cake. A bit more blueberries and cottage cheese, and some crumbs of pretzels. No it may seem like I really fucked up but I tell you the extras that I ate is nothing. I usually would have eaten the whole cake over the course of the day. Instead of cottage cheese it would have been ice cream and the pretzels would have been a bag of chips. So I’m proud that I didn’t binge as I usually do.

When I go to Barnes and Noble I will have me a Flappachino with extra whip and caramel. I will use all my will power today not to eat anything else in the sugar department.

Change of plan. I walked! Four blocks to the bank. I stopped, turned up the oxygen but did it! The perspiration, no sweat was pouring down my face, causing the sunscreen to get into my eyes. I didn’t take any paper towels, nor water. I had my parasol and my iPod was playing Herbie Hancock. In another time it would have been so relaxing. In this case the music kept me going, I wanted to walk back but knew I wouldn’t make it so I sat and waited for the bus. I got home and was done. I called access-a-ride and canceled Barnes and Noble.

I’m having a Lupus day. Tired but can’t sleep because my mind is busy. I have so much to do, and unable to focus to do it. I’m worried about everything, worried that I’m going to die and I’m not ready. Well who is ready I guess? There are so many things I wish I could do but right now I don’t think it could happen for me. I want a real true love. Someone who would considers my feelings, and not treat me like an inmate, or possession. I’ll never have a wedding. I may never go on a cruise or visit anyplace outside New York.



I’m worried about my children if something should happen to me. My son is so alone in this world. He’s struggling to find happiness, he suffers not only with his mental health issues but with the same sadness I suffer with. My youngest daughter is like her father, wanting the easy way out. She’s spoiled and wants her way and if she doesn’t get it she has a tantrum. She is so self centered she always trying to leave her son with someone. My middle daughter she wants to succeed so bad that she doesn’t know that time and building memories for her children are important.

I want to see them become the persons I know they can be, but I may not be here and I’m frustrated because I can’t even help them. I don’t have my own home. I’m a guess where I live so I can’t have my children visiting me when I or they want. So there’s another thing I may never have my own place, a chance to live alone.

When I go through these feelings I feel like saying fuck it and try to be uncaring and detached like so many people in my life. But I can’t and I think about suicide but I would never do that because I want to find out what happens.

So I’m back to the beginning, I’m having a lupus day and want to sleep but can’t cause my mind is busy.